Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Still standing...

Last night was interesting...

Sorry another post this morning...

H here when I got home yesterday. Very good mood. Even a little flirty. (Wow! where did that come from? Been a very long time since he has talked to me like that.)

H's brothers came out to shoot bows. I played with the kids. H continued to hang out. Everyone left, H stayed (very rare). He started to put bean head on combine, I asked if he needed help, (he always says no). He said, "not really, I don't know", so, I helped some then left him alone to finish.

H's nephew and a couple friends came out to visit. Was getting the impression that H was hanging out for some alone time. But people wouldn't leave us alone!!. Well the longer they hung out the more H drank so I guess he decided he better get back to town before he got too drunk to drive. He left about 8pm. Nephew then left and there I sat, alone.

I wanted to call H sooooo bad! I wanted to go in there to his house. But I didn't. As I am trying to not pursue again. Let him ask me.

Well about 9pm H calls. He says:
H: What you doing?
M: Nothing
H: Oh, thought you were going out?
M: No, girls changed their mind, not going now?
H: Oh, okay. Well just checking uh, well what's the girls doing.
Oh, D16 is working, and N13 is at the game
M: Yea,
H: Well, okay, I was just checking on the girls
M: okay, what are you doing
H: Just sitting here watching TV, might go up to bar if I take a shower
M: Well do you want some company? (couldn't help myself)
H: I don't care you can come in and watch TV with me
M: Just that? HaHa
H: Ha Ha, yea I don't care

So I went. He was sleeping when I got there. Woke up grouchy and was kind of that way all night. But for the most part it was good. Glad I went.

I hope I am doing the right things...

Tonight I'll spend with the girls. For me and for them.

That sounds dreammy.

Had a good day with myself today. After all the upset, fear, stress of the last 36 hrs I really needed it.

ahhh....

Now took a long look at my self and what I am doing today. Looked at the alternatives. Asked myself what is it you want? What do you not want? Have gotten alot of different advice yesterday and today. Well here is my decision...

I am really really going to try and let him go. I know that there is no other way. I know that if I continue to pursue that I am going to lose him to her. So from this day forward I am going to LET HIM GO!! I will get him and what he is doing out of my head. I have to in order to save myself, my kids, and my marriage.

What ever will be is surely going to be.

A friend of mine says "everything is as it should be".
Perhaps all this is making us who we are meant to be? I'd hate to think it's all for naught.

When you mean you are letting him go, do you still want him to come back or not? Is detaching from him a step in order to have him come back someday? That is actually the bestthing to do because then he will wonder about coming back once you stop pursuing him.

mkultra,

There is nothing in this world I want more than to have my husband to come home to me. To get the chance to make up for past mistakes. To get the chance to start a new life together. To grow old with my best freind rocking right beside me...

I just know in order for any of that to happen my H and only my H has to make the choice to come home. There is nothing I can do to pursuade him or change his mind. I am driving myself unwell watching his every move. Searching 24/7 for signs that he may be returning. Or may be getting ready to make a commitment to her.

I can't do this anymore. I am an emotional wreck. Not like it was in the beginning of this but still a wreck. I want him back so bad I can't stand it. And there is so much doubt in my mind that this will ever, ever happen.

I try to keep up my faith. I try to "believe" in H, in us. But H is sooo proud, so stubborn, and I have no idea what kind of relationship he is having with OW. I do know that it will be huge deal for him to break it off with her after all she's been through with him in this, and I have no idea how long they've been together.

Everyday this continues I feel is one day closer to losing him forever.

Lately I have really "thinking" I see signs of him coming out/around. But I'm starting to think that it's all make believe in my mind because I want it so badly.

If only I had a crystal ball...

So, no I am notletting him go because I don't want him back. I'm doing this because I don't know what else to do. There is nothing I can do.

Woke up at 4 am this morning with a headache and sick to my stomach. I really want to stay home again. But I was off work Tuesday and H will probably be around here today so I am going.

Starting to wonder if H said all those things Monday night just to get a reaction out of me. Well he did, he just don't know it. To him I just listened and acted as if.

Yesterday I feel H made a huge move. I really don't know what to think of it, so I am letting it out here then letting it go.

I had picked up bean check at elevator in am. (H told me to Mon) Later on I was a post office. Came out and H's truck was in front of my office. (Okay first let me say that H did not come to my work often before as he is kind of shy type and just didn't. Now after all he has done, he knows that my boss is like a father figure to me, he knows that my boss knows what's been happening) I was totally shocked as well as everyone in my office that H actually went into the office. He talked with a couple guys there including my boss. I came back gave him check and he left. WOW! I would have expected him to just call me, ask if I had check, and have me bring it outside to him. Other BIL agrees with me that this had to be terrible hard for H and really unexpected of him.

Really don't know if it meant anything. BIL says you know H, he doesn't care what people think about him. I said yes but this is Delmar(my boss). He knows what he means to me and I to him. I really wonder if H is like testing the waters to see how much damage is done. Like would it be possible to come back?

I don't know maybe I again am reading too much into things when they mean nothing.

Anyway got to get ready for work. Thanks for listening.

It's been a better day for me today. Anytime scary thoughts of what H is doing creep in I tell myself to stop and let it go. I am really working on trying to stay positive and not worry about it.

Usually H is here on Thursday nights for a little while. Not today. Talked to him earlier and he said he was sitting in the bar with his mom (mom is working(bartender)) and he was drinking. Teenage stuff, like I'm drinking and you can't stop me! Anyways, I didn't say a word about it. But I did really wonder why he was drinking in the middle of the afternoon. Very unlike him. Especially on such a nice day. Wierd! But isn't it all.

really feel as though i have been deserted on this board

Hi toh,

Yeah, this forum is not one of the more active ones. It's easy to feel abandoned when you're feeling anxious, etc, in your personal life.

Good to hear.

It sounds like you are already having success with staying positive and letting scary thoughts go. Yay you! Recognize your baby steps and keep building on them. What does it look like when you are not worrying about what H is doing? What are you doing instead? Focus on a positive. For example, would you be..... simply caring about his well-being? Taking more action to care *for* yourself? What do YOU *want* to be doing instead?

Good for you for going to work despite another bad night of sleep. You must be tired. What can you do for yourself today and tonight to have a better night's sleep? Enjoy some chamomile tea and a warm bath, maybe? Also, good job on not saying anything to H about his drinking in the middle of the afternoon. You got it right, there's no need to be his parent. You didn't fall into that trap. Yay you!

Keep up the good work. Work on self-soothing. Do you have any interest in taking up something new like yoga, walking, some form of dance, etc, or have you already started something that I'm forgetting? New interests and physical activity are great for the mind... including anxiety.

Oh, and that is interesting about your H stopping by your work. Definitely something to notice. Sounds like you're doing a good job at not obsessing about it or trying to figure out what it meant. More will be revealed in time.

Love yourself.