Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy He's thinking about moving out

Hi,
Help me out. H and I had a really good couple of days. Now I'm being tortured by something.

A couple of weeks ago I heard him on the phone with OW. She is planning a trip to see her daughter. He was helping her find airfare online. I was in the same room for a few minutes when he was talking to her which is how I know. But I left as I really didn't want to hear, and told myself to act as if. I never asked about it.

Last night he told me a good friend of his who recently moved south has offered to pay his airfare to come help him with a project (working on one of his old cars). I know H has helped this guy in the past, when he still lived here.

So now my mind is going round and round. I can't help but wonder if this is just not an elaborate lie. She is planning a trip and now H has let on that he may be taking some trip. I'm guilty of fearing the worst. My mind won't stop and now I'm thinking he could be planning a trip with OW. There's something suspicious about some circumstances.

So what do I do if, in the near future, this trip to help this friend becomes a reality? Do I not say anything? I'm not sure I can do that.

I think he's been fairly open and honest to some degree with me lately. So I do ask to go along? Do I ask for proof that he is taking this trip to really help this friend? I could ask that this guy call me to confirm.

I'm a person of high integrity. If, and I realize this is a big if at this point (this could be nothing) this is an elaborate lie to go away with OW, I don't think I can take it. There is only so much I can accept.

Again, how should I proceed if this trip falls into place sometime in the near future? I keep telling myself I'm making mountains out of something that could be nothing. I keep telling myself to STOP the thoughts.

Any advice? Everyone here is so good at that!

Thanks

I think many of this H have to hit bottom (i.e. move out) in order to come back. If he moves out, OW most likely will move in, regardless of whether your H had that intention or not. I think the question to ask yourself is "If he moves out and starts living with OW, then comes back to be with you. Will you be able to forgive him (eventually) and move on? If the answer is no, may be he needs to know that. If you are willing to take this risk and let him move out to finally realize/decide that he wants to be with you, may be just let him decide for himself.
When my H moved out for a few weeks (to be alone, but of course OW moved in with him), I innocently thought he really moved out to be alone to think about hte situation. I am able to take him back and I think the moving out really let him know what is it that he wants. It may work better in the long run because now he knows the grass is not greener on the other side. He knows he wants to be with me. Looking back now, if I know OW will be there, will I let him move out? I still am not sure. This is something you will have to decide yourself.
on the trip, it's hard to say. What if you have time and suggest that you tag along? What will his response be? If he makes excuses, may be it's with OW. Not sure if you should confront. I think when H are in the fog, they are really so affected by OW that they don't know what they are doing.

Hi,
I agree with hitting rock bottom. It may come to that for me. I'm sort of in the same sitch lovelyolive is in (but not as bad). OWs marriage is in the toilet, and has been for years. She sees my H as her savior. She wants him. I'm sure she wants him to move out. I know she is putting some pressure on him. But so far he has stayed.

If he moves out, and OW moves in, if I could forgive him? I don't know. That may be the final love buster for me. I told him that. But I really think that he will find the grass is not greener, just like your H did. I really do. He would be giving up so much, and I know he knows it.

He has not mentioned taking the trip since the weekend. But I did think about asking to go along. We'll see. It may never come up.

The fog really sucks. What I hate the most is when they sacrifice time or activities with the kids to be with OW. That is one thing I can't forgive my H for. He would come home late, or not at all when I was not here (D was 13 at the time), saying he was working, but most of the time he was with OW. It will take me a long time to forgive him for that. And I hope D never finds out.

I'm not in good mood tonight thinking about this. Actually he is out of town tonight, it's probably a good thing he is!!

Hi,
I had a IC session this morning. After we talked a bit about the usual stuff, how I was doing, how H was doing, how we were doing, etc., he commented that in all his years of counseling he has never seen anyone so committed/resolved to making a R work after infidelity, especially in the face of my H's ambivalence. He actually made me feel better about everything.

I thought, well I have ... everyone here on this board. So cudos to all of us for our commitment, resolve, courage, strength ... you name it!

Cheers!

For those of you with teenage kids ... I'm beyond sad tonight because I can't help but think of how this sitch has hurt or is hurting my D14. I've never talked outright with her on what is going on but she knows her dad is at least friends with this OW. I don't know what else she knows or thinks.

She seems to be so pizzed at him lately. I don't know why. It could be OW or it could be his drinking. But what really saddens me is that H is ruining his relationship with his only D.

He had, and still has, a very deep relationship with his father and respects him very much. In fact, my FIL was my H best man at our wedding.

Sad doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I'm also so angry and full of despair. I talked about this with my IC today and he said don't count on him to be the father figure/role model. That I must take the lead in her life. I wonder if I said those same words to my H if he would even hear them.

So, for those of you with teenage kids, how do you handle it? How do your kids handle it?

For me parenting is the ultimate responsibility. I have put my heart and sole into raising this child. She is such a beautiful person. I hate to see her get hurt. I hate to see her grow up and be ashamed of her father or not even respect him. I don't want these problems to cause problems for her in her future relationships...

Joie,
I wish I had the answer to those questions. My DD19 has told me she doesn't know if she ever wants to get married...

DD16 has confronted H about his affair and told him how wrong she thought he was. All he could do was ask her who told her that. She told him we lived in a small town and word got around. She said you just answered my question because if it wasn't true then you wouldn't be so worried who told me.

The WAS just doesn't get the whole picture. It not only affects the couple it affects the children also. My H tried to say it had nothing to do with them, he would always love them. Yes, that is true I'm sure, but what is he saying to them? Is he telling them that, hey down the road, your husband my decide after 20 years that he isn't "happy" and he needs to get out. When will the WAS wake up?

Sorry to make this so long and I didn't answer your question....

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your kiddos. I know all I am concerned about these days is protecting my kids from any pain.

Wish the WAS felt that way too...Why can't they put aside their feelings and do what is best for the family? Sure it may be hard to get everything back on track, but we all know family is the most important thing in the world. We all want our children to be healthy and happy.

Well, I appreciate any input. I think there is no good answer any way. Just the fact that we have to worry about it pretty much says it all. Unfortunately, I guess that %#$@& fog affects everything in the WAS life ... and that is that.

I think my H does not really grasp how this is affecting our D either. But kids aren't deaf and dumb! I've told him he needs to talk to her, he hasn't. But he knows her attitude toward him is not great.

It is utterly unbelievable how the WAS just can't see what is right in front of their face. FOR GOD'S SAKE SOMEONE GET ME A FREAKIN' 2X4!

Thanks