You're right about that. You feel better about yourself because you did set clear boundaries and stuck to them. who know why she reacted that way. Why would she think that you want to make small talk about anything? She chose to make it end. Not you. Anyway, you did absolutely the right thing.
Have had very minimun, business-like interactions with XW since I refused to be her plumber. She's quick to get off the phone, little small talk, not asking about what I'm doing. Financial interactions are now via email copying her atty. She has responded, in a fashion, to my boundary.
Last night she calls: the phones are not working (she has Vonage). Since it could be considered a kids safety issue, she says, would I help her fix them? So I help her debug the issue over the phone (she's on her mobile) and eventually we figure out one of the phones was off the hook and she couldn't dial on the other ones.
In the middle of it she asked me why I wouldn't help her fix her toilet (still broken after a week). Was I trying to punish her?
She so does not get this. I offered her my life, my time left on the planet, to be devoted to her, help her raise our children together in a healthy family, to be buried next to her forever. Her response was to kick me in the teeth, destroy our family, reject me so totally that there are court orders detailing my prescribed interactions with her, and she thinks by not fixing her toilet, my boundary setting is somehow all about her???
How about, I am doing exactly what someone with healthy boundaries does, that is moving on. I am worrying about my next moves, my life, trying to work through the anger I have with her that is so primal I can't even access it yet. I'm finishing unpacking, taking care of my kids as best I can, trying to keep a good job so I can survive, trying to keep above water financially so I don't have to ask my dad for cash, trying to stay healthy, not drink too much, making new friends and keeping old ones, spending time with my family, and trying to get my head out of my butt far enough that women I think are attractive will even notice me, let alone be attracted.
But, no, it must be about her.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
You're right. She doesn't get it. You don't want friends. You have those. You wanted her as a spouse FOREVER. It's funny, it seems like the court almost considers you a criminal. It's dememaning and humiliating. You are not punishing her, you're doing the healthy thing..trying to move on with the hope of finding love and companionship when you process this whole ordeal. The devasation that divorce wreaks on huma beings is, to me at least, unfathomable, especially when kids are concerned. It sounds like you're doing about as wewll as anyone in moving on. She expects it to be like the title of the idiotic book "The Good Divorce". Hang in there.
In a way, it is about her isn't it? You wouldn't feel this way, wouldn't have that primal anger, if she had held up her end of the bargain. I agree that she doesn't get it but I what she's not getting is that she doesn't DESERVE that kind of service from you any longer. She had your devotion and chose to walk away from it, not realizing (for whatever) reason that she was walking away from everything in the process. I don't get the mindeset but I've seen it in my W as well. The I don't know if I want to be married to you but oh can you help me with this thing. Like they don't understand that you have to treat someone with a little decency and respect before they're going to want to go out of their way to help out.
You XW doesn't seem to understand of fully accept her role in what has happened and so your boundaries seem unjustified, punitive. Classic wanting the cake and eating it to. My opinion, very immature. Not indicative of someone who has a firm grip on reality because the reality is that you can bite the hand that feeds you only so many times before it stops handing out food.
