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Things are getting worse and I am not in my right mind...or am I?

Tonight was our group salsa lesson and we met for dinner first.

At dinner I said that I was going to show homes this weekend and asked which day would work better. He said that he was busy Friday night and maybe Saturday, so I should do it Sunday. I said that if he was busy Saturday, shouldn't I show homes on Saturday? he started getting agitated and annoyed. He just wasn't sure what he was doing this weekend. He really wanted to work on the garage (maybe I could help him) and he just *never* got around to it because he's just so busy. To which I smartly said "then why are you planning on being 'busy' all weekend?" and he responded with a "hmm. good question." He was being a butt and I finally said "You're being a heiney" and he agreed. Said he was grumpy. Fine. Whatever.

Go to class. it was fine. probably only danced with him for 5 minutes.
After class go to my car to get his text book.
We start talking about this weekend. Then the coup de grace-- he says "I'm just jamming on Friday night and I might go out Saturday night. Then I will come by Sunday. I haven't finalized my plans." That capped it for me. I said "Have you forgotten what I said? I said that *if* you dated and courted me we could have sex. You going jamming on Friday night and then out to a bar Saturday night so some 21 year old can hit on you, is NOT courting me. This is turning into to nothing but bootycall and I'm not having it. I don't like how this is going at all!!"

He smiled and said "okay. Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Now's not a good time to talk [out in the parking lot], I'll give you a call tomorrow." And he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

F'er. I have only brushed on the highlights; but bottom line I felt that he was being dismissive and I am starting to feel used. I am ready to go and buy a house (or maybe lease to own). We're not getting anywhere. He is being cake eater. For God's sake-- how can I accept that "So far" we are dating exclusively???!

My IC said that while he may not be *actively* looking to date someone else, it is obvious that he is open to it and that I am not open to it and I am letting myself be strung along until he finds someone that he thinks he's in love with. And you know what, *that* is the reality. He has told me repeatedly that he is 'taking things one day at a time' and 'is open to new experiences/whatever the universe has for him'. And he won't commit to dating me exclusively, well duh! What do I need? An anvil to fall on my head?

God I feel so stupid. And tired of this. He was such a jerk tonight. This is how he would treat me back when he would stay out until 4am- he just didn't care.

I have a few days left to cancel the package of dance lessons and I am thinking that maybe I should. Okay, see, I am not in my right mind-- I am being reactive-- I just think that maybe the writing is on the wall that he is WAY more open to dating other people (compared to when he first came back and wanted to date me) and I am an idiot if I think we can continue this farce for another 8 weeks.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HOMER SAYS:

We Always Want More Of
Something We Can’t Have...


Women all over the United States call me and say, “The man in my life is pulling away,
because he’s afraid of commitment.” And I say, “You have been head-over-heels in love with
him for three months or three years? You haven’t looked at another man since you got
involved?” “That’s right. That’s right.” I said, “So the reason he’s pulling away is he has
low self-esteem and he’s looking down on you for being in love with him.”
“Subconsciously, he wants struggle. You think he wants reassurance. So you’re trying to give
him reassurance that you won’t hurt him and that you should be together, and so forth and so
on. And this reassurance is never working. Therefore, the remedy is wrong, because it’s
based on the wrong diagnosis. He gets afraid of commitment after he’s bored to death,
because subconsciously he wants a project. He wants a struggle. You’re taking away any
challenge to him that he wants. You say, ‘I’m all yours. I’m all yours. I love you. I want to
be with you forever and ever. I’d do anything to please you.’ So subconsciously, he thinks,
‘Oh, what an idiot.’”
I was telling this to a woman not very long ago and she started laughing. She said, “It makes
me think of Groucho Marx. Groucho said, ‘I wouldn’t be a member of a club that would have
me as a member.’ And that’s it, exactly.” So I encouraged the woman to relax, act
independent. I said, “See? The more you pursue your husband, wife, or girlfriend, the more
you pursue them, the more they subconsciously have contempt for you. They think you’re
stupid to be in love with them, because they have such a low opinion of themselves, whether
they’re aware of this or not.”
So by your acting unconquered, date others, act happy, agree with them we both need space.
We need this separateness. You’re exactly right. This is going with their energy. This is
jujitsu.

48 hour rule... wait it out and see. And please look into those books I mentioned.

You are so totally focused on him right now, and it's not healthy for EITHER of you. Why are you so focused on "getting somewhere" in the M??? I promise if you put this much pressure on ANY R it would be going downhill.

How about instead, focusing on YOU and on getting somewhere better?? If your H comes along cool, if not, well.. you'll be fine.

Please try to see how much pressure you are putting on him. You asked him to plan your weekend AGAIN. You worked your life around what he wanted A G A I N. This is so much more of the same. You're asking someone who's not even sure he wants you to court you - how does that make any sense??? Make yourself irresistable, first... be so proud and confident in yourself that you KNOW you are worth it, and see what happens.

I'm not trying to beat you up, hope you know that - I'm trying to tell you that you're not watching out for yourself, and you NEED to. Heck even your WAH is trying to tell you that.

If it were me instead of canceling the lessons I'd try this: show up next time BUT be a whole new Agent99. One who is strong, independent, whole, able to plan her own social life and free time. One who has respect for herself.

(((Agent99)))

I know how hard this is, I REALLY do.

I am also not sure how to just start dating casually and I will not use internet because I have issues with that. I guess group dates count, bowling, dinner parties, karaoke clubbing. Maybe a dinner or movie or concert can come out of that but I am not ready, as Nikki said, we may have to work on ourselves alone. But Oh, how I hear H's come back afterthey get wind of another man getting interested in Mama!

My girlfriend just suggested that he is upset because he hasn't figured a darn thing out (which is the whole point of the separation), that he wants me in his life more than he can admit, and that he probably does need me to not talk to him,etc for at least 3 weeks. That she can see both of our points.

She suggested that I give him the house for 3 weeks and I go to his apartment or my friends house or my mom's. And that during teh 3 weeks we have no contact whatsoever.


I think Homer's advice is spot on. Given that his first question to me when we first got (semi)back together was whether or not I had called an ex.

I got (semi)spoiled; I got (semi)comfortable; I am getting too attached. I don't know how to be detached and actually be around him.

Nikki- I know you are right about the more of the same and the too much pressure. The crux of the matter is that he is basically telling me that I am good enough, for now-until someone better comes along.

I have been 'auditioning' for my marriage for a long time (long before he left.) I am tired. This is so painful. The momentum seems to be going in the wrong direction and I feel too weak to turn the tide. I hate that he is mad at me right now-- and the words about not pressuring him or else I'll push him away are echoing on my head. SH!T!

I know Agent99.. I know. It's so hard.

I like your friend's idea. Focus on YOU for 3 weeks. Where does that happen? I dunno.. your house, his apt, I don't think it matters that much. But keep the focus 100% on you. If your H disappeared tomorrow, where would you be? What would you be doing? What are your ultimate goals in life? How would you pursue those?? Make it all about you, NONE about H... I think it'll give you at least some clarity what direction to go in.



I completely get it because I'm there too.

So.. try this...

You deserve to be loved.

You deserve to be wanted.

You deserve to feel cherished.

Does that mean he will feel that way about you? Nope. So... feel it yourself.. give those things to yourself. And if sometime some guy (H or someone else) gives that to you, great! If not, give it to yourself.

Putting pressure on him, guilting him into it, etc. are not the key... you'll never feel loved, cherished, or wanted if you "get it" that way.

Quit trying to turn the tide... jump into your own ocean, the one where the tide is going the direction you want it to go. If he jumps in too, cool. If not.. well, he's missing out on an awesome trip.

Hi. I am new to your thread (hope you don't mind), but this rang sooo true in my head. I feel like second choice, a runner up, a consolation prize that comes along with the kids. And he hasn't even PICKED me yet!!! Its so hard.

I need to read more on your situation but wanted to say hi to you.

This is all great advice, the trick I've found has been keeping it going, finding the right balance between openess and aloofness.

Things with my W were progressing nicely and then they started to slow a little. I paniced and persued because that's what I do. And, predictably, things slowed further. Then I went away for my brothers wedding last weekend, didn't talk to her for 3 days (she's used to me calling almost nightly), and sent her many wedding pics, some of which included me dancing with the bridesmaids (I was the best man so I had to, right). Past couple of days, she's said she missed me, she loves me, she can't wait to see me; the slow down is gone.

All that to say, I think you've gotten some great advice here and need to pull back a little. Find the balance again, make yourself more challenging and when he comes back around, try to slow yourself down a little on your attachment to him. It's hard cause it's exactly what you want, that attachment, but I think what you're seeing now is the direct result of not going more slowly.

You do deserve to be loved. Believe it and he will too.

Nikki, you are so right. And yet, it's so easy to go down the path of pressure.

It might not particularly matter to *me* where I lived if we took at least 3 weeks off (no contact), but I think it would matter a lot to him. I think he is becoming more convinced that what ails him is not getting to live in the house. The only part of the scenario that does matter to me is that I run two businesses out of the house and moving them would be a major PITA and not practical for a 3 week stint....

We have private dance lessons scheduled for the remainder of the month, and two more group lessons this month. November 7th I am having that procedure done that will eliminate intercourse for 4 weeks. It appears that November should be the month of no contact. He's going out of state for Thanksgiving, anyway, and it might be easier on me to not have contact with him prior to that. (ie, no contrast between him being here and then gone on the special day.)

In the meantime, I can look at houses, maybe find a lease purchase. That would be the ideal- a lease w/purchase option, then I would know that I could buy the house in the future if I wanted. Unlike most rentals where I would know I would be moving again in the near future. It would also probably have the least financial ramifications if he changed his mind.

He told me last night that he had "stuff to do" and had asked for his text book. (Kind of implying he had homework.) He was never online last night. I think he went out. I think I pushed him and blew it and now he is back in the mode of going out trolling. Yes, I could be wrong about him going out (doesn't matter) but after he had to bring up how he was recently in a bar where the 21 yo hit on him, it appears that he is back to that scene.

To answer the question of what would I do if he disappeared-- I would sell this house and all the stupid cars and get a smaller house. Get a dog and used motorhome-- and probably work WAY too much on the weekends in an effort to feel financially secure. I would continue to take classes and I would hunker down and 'nest' in my smaller house. I am not a nomadic person and this limbo land (living in a house that would never be mine alone) is very difficult on me.

If there was something that worked every time... then that's what every woman would do.

Sometimes what you say happens. And sometimes, their husband says, "oh, i'm so glad you found someone. that leaves me guilt free to go date who I want".