Thanks for the update. Wow, your W is way off the deep end. So far gone. I empathize with you. We have our weak moments when we cannot help but cry. I shed some tears last night myself while listening to some music that spoke directly to my situation. I have been helped by reading Buddhist writings such as When Things Fall Apart, which encourages us to walk into the pain and fully feel it. Most of us want to run away from pain, but real growth can occur only when we face it directly and let it flow through us. So, we will have those moments but it's healthy to embrace them. This is part of our journey to wholeness.
I'm thrilled to hear that you are protecting your daughters by doing the right thing. You are a man of great character, and it takes everything you have right now but keep on keeping on that high road.
Today I signed up to help a foreign student with his English. We will spend an hour a week talking. I hope this will be fun. It's all about taking on new things and seeing where it goes. Keep on with the fun stuff! We are on our own paths. Your wife may be gone but you seem to be in a good place right now.
There's a great post somewhere on these boards about healthy detaching. Healthy detaching means recognizing you still love your WAS, but also that you know you will be fine without them. Good for you for getting to such a place!
How are things? Today I started to move to the new apartment. It's bittersweet, really. I am happy I'll be in a nicer place, though it's going to take some time to get everything settled and decorated. It's nice to break out the new comforter, the new shees, towels, etc. instead of the scraps from the house I took when I moved out in June.
On the other hand, it does hurt to think that my life has come to this. Loading up a bed in the back of a truck, loading up stuff in my car. I did it in June, now again. Back in June I never thought it would come to this. I guess I should feel thankful I'm not divorced. I thought by now I'd either be divorced or working with her to get to a new marriage. We're neither--limboland goes on and on and on....
Patience, I know. It's awfully hard some days, however. I hope you are well. I'm OK. Today is a low point in some ways, but I am determined to decorate this place the way I want it and to slowly build up to what I want. She seems still lost in depression, MLC. Spending money like crazy. I will move on this issue in a few weeks. I've spent some money lately, so I would only be cutting myself if I moved to separate money now.
I am happy to hear that you are finally moving into your new place. Think of it as a new beginning, a new chapter in life where you get to control how happy you can be. don't worry about spending a few bucks on the stuff for your apt. as long as it is not out of control - most books recommend the time of separation to be an ideal time to rejuvenate your spirit with little things that you gave up on during marriage. give yourself the permission to indulge in little things to cheer yourself up.
today I had a school conference for my DD in kindergarten. i came in to the classroom and saw the teacher with somebody and I stepped out thinking it was not our time yet. The teacher came out and asked me "couldn't you recognize your wife"? I said "no" and I think I did mean it! I feel good about how I have been lovingly detaching from her. I don't try to figure out what she is doing and and I don' get upset thinking of her anymore. she may be in MLC limbo land, but not me.
I just spotted a saying on my tea bag thing - "A love without friendship is like a castle on a sand". Isn't that so true?
Thanks for your post. Yes, that slogan on the tea bag is true! I went canoing last night with a group from work. Very fun to be on a lake at night away from the city. Stars were amazing!
I just was over at the new place, and I finally unveiled my new sheets and comforter. I had stuffed them into the corner of the old place waiting to use them when I moved, and now that they are on the bed I feel better. They look good. Will sleep on them for the first time tonight. Funny how something as simple as a new set of sheets helps at a time like this. On the way home I stopped by and picked up a couple of pieces of art at Kohl's that I liked. Felt good to do so. You are absolutely right about spending some $, within reason, to make ourselves happy. Wife is still spending like crazy, as far as I can tell. In about three weeks, after the next round of bills come in, we are going to have to deal with that. She's not going to like it, but I've had enough. I can't jeopardize my future, not to mention 11 years of financial prudence, with her going nuts for a few months. The only reason I'm waiting is that I've spent some money too. As far as I'm concerned, she can pay for "half" my concert tickets, meditation retreat in January, deposits on the apartment, etc.
Keep up your good work, and keep posting. You've helped me more than you know. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. It's critical for us not to get dragged down by our spouses. It's hard some days, because I still believe, but I'm getting better and better at detaching and at the same time empathy. I remain convinced that behind her spending is a deep depression. She also briefly mentioned on the phone a couple days ago she had taken a couple of days off and was crying during that time. So, while at times I'm furious with her I still have empathy.
Take care, and make it a good day by giving joy to yourself and others.
How's this for detachment? Last night the phone rang at 9:45. I am pretty sure there are only two people who call me at that time--my brother or my wife. I let it ring. I did check to see if there was a message, but no message left. That almost certainly rules out my brother--he always leaves a message. I resisted the temptation to *69 to see if it was the wife.
Two months ago when a similar thing happened I did *69 and learned it was the wife.
I feel this is progress! I still love her and am keeping the door open for now, but I'm moving forward with my life on my terms. Time to get busy decorating the new place! Take care.
bruce, you have reached nirvana - detachment from all earthly things. I can only imagine how trying it was not to dial back or lift the phone. but your strength lies in the fact that you hear the rings, refusing to lift it up but at the same time telling yourself that you love her. i know how hard it is and i am delighted to see the progress in you.
have fun decorating the new place. but i am sure you will also return the call when you know its time.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm loving the new place. I even love the view--I'm on the top floor with a gorgeous view of the woods off in the distance. Not only am I in a better complex, but this particular unit (at the end of the complex, top floor) is extra special given the view. The earth tones in the tiling in the kitchen and bathroom, and the real wood cabinets, are actually nicer than the mid-1990s white vinyl flooring and white cabinets in our house! How's that for an upgrade? I love the bigger deck, the bigger closet, the wine rack above the refrigerator, the peace and quiet. In all, life is more beautiful, literally.
Today I attended a follow up workshop to build on the event I attended a month ago--run by the same organization. It felt great--more working on myself, seeing a few folks I saw a month ago, and making new friends. Didn't think about the wife once all day!
How are things with you and kids? I hope everyone is well.
Just had to say that today someone from church unexpectedly asked me to a music festival. I said yes as I am all about getting to know new people, and we had a wonderful time. Beautiful weather, great music, and good company. The universe does support us in time of need provided we are willing to keep our eyes open for those who can help us!
bruce good to hear about your new place and your GALing. looks like you are enjoying the new apt. good for you.
Me and the girls are doing great. I have stepped up GALing a notch. Going out and making friends. I had the ILs visit me last weekend. I acted 'as if' life was same as before i the way I treated them and we really had a good time together with the kids. MIL called STBX wife to join us for dinner which she quickly refused as she was busy spending quality time with her OM. I do really feel sorry for the ILs. They want their daughter to wake up worse than I do at this point I think.
I am so encouraged to hear about your continued effort to rebuild yourself. Music festival sounds great. When your heart is ready, the world opens up lots of opportunities to go out and enjoy the little things. Have fun and keep posting.
As always, great to hear from you. So glad to hear you and the kids are well. Good for you for acting that way with the IL. Yes, the world really does support us if we are willing to look for those who can or are willing to help us. We must keep our eyes open, and not be afraid to ask for help when we need it. So many people try to keep it all inside, as if to ask for help were some sort of embarrassing thing. I have really learned something about generosity through all of this, and it is something that I will take with me the rest of my life.
I'm about to start some new volunteer stuff, and I continue to find peace and friendship at my church. I LOVE the new apartment, and it's been fun to spend some money on making it look good. I have a beautiful view of some woods; it brings peace to look out the window at the trees, which are finally starting to turn. Fall is my favorite season, and it's been a long time coming.
I also got really creative this week and bought some candles, some fake apples/pears, and fake pinecones to turn into a piece for the counter. I must say it felt great to do so, and it looks great! I'm nurturing a creative, more "feminine" side, which Jung and others say is essential for men at midlife. My wife is good at this, and I've learned a thing or two over the years. Burned the candles for the first time last night and felt a great sense of accomplishment.
I'm off for a four day visit with my cousin and her husband, so I won't be posting until next week if I can't check back tonight.
What's up with Travis Henry? I drafted him for my fantasy football team, but what a bust! Literally!!!!
Finally, I did see the W for about twenty minutes earlier this week. It was unexpected, but when the alarm went off unexpectedly at our house she called me wanting to check it out. I said I'd be happy to do so, but she insisted she come home too. I told her she didn't have to take the time off, but I was fine with her coming home. Funny, no? Long story short, nothing was missing from the house, but we did talk about a few small things and I mentioned some of the stuff I'd been working on and reading. Bottom line: I felt a sense of connection, and I feel she did too. I tried to read her eyes; she didn't look like a woman who wants a divorce. She mentioned how she is feeling empowered, which is what Terrence Real writes about with women in midlife. I'm truly happy for her. I still feel we were two incomplete people on the road to greater wholeness, and that we could have a great relationship if we really want to work at it. I mentioned my greater interest in spirituality, which took her by surprise(in a good way, I think).
Of course, all this may be projection/wishful thinking on my part, so I'm not going to get too excited. I'd like to think I suprised her with some things, but I'm not going to jump to conclusions until she tells me what she is feeling.
Take care; make it a good day for others and yourself.
