Hey Cat, Some bad news... Looks like our schedules next month are not going to permit us to get to the Retro session I was planning on. W did find an alternative though. Has anyone heard of the Imago programs? Looks like the are based on the strategies developed by the author of 'Getting the Love You Want'. There is one we are planning on for mid November.
Some good news... W put her engagement and wedding rings back on this afternoon. Sent me a picture of them on her hand. Made my afternoon. Things are definitely looking up.
Nomopo has talked about Imago counseling. He thinks highly of it. The rings thing is very good news. I would think Imago is a good thing to do now, and if it doesn't get you as far along as you hope, then plan on the next Retrouvaille. Most places hold Retrouvaille quarterly. It's good that she found something. This is quite an improvement.
Just caught up on your thread. Don't know about 2 steps forward and 4 back; seems like the reverse to me.
I think I need to do what you did. Totally just give my W space. Hard thing is, I know that she's talking to the once and hopefully not present/future OM on the phone. DBing says let her go, I'm just not sure if that's going to really work. Anyway, you are doing great. You're pushing a little too much. Give her the space that she wants. She's trying.
From what I read last October/Nov about affairs, it's normal for the other person to grieve the A (as illusionary as that BS relationship is -- sorry, still a little bitter on that score, trying to let it go). It sucks to see and it sucks to know that your W has feelings for another man. She's there with you, you have the tools, you can get through it.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Dis, Just caught up on your thread. Don't know about 2 steps forward and 4 back; seems like the reverse to me.
Things have certainly been different day to day. I'm not sure when I wrote the 2 forward / 2 back, but over the past couple of days, its been almost all forward.
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I think I need to do what you did. Totally just give my W space. Hard thing is, I know that she's talking to the once and hopefully not present/future OM on the phone. DBing says let her go, I'm just not sure if that's going to really work. Anyway, you are doing great. You're pushing a little too much. Give her the space that she wants. She's trying.
As much as I tried, I had a hard time giving her as much space as I intended. I know a lot of what I did had a big impact on where we are now, but there certainly were a lot of other factors involved. I still have a lot of unanswered questions about why and how. I know the R with the OG didn't fizzle out. I would have almost preferred to know that was the reason, but who knows how long that would have taken or if it ever would have. I just know that the A is ended and I'm thankful now that she is committed to working on us and we are looking towards the future. I've been reading the "Not Just Friends" book that gives a lot of great recommendations on the healing process after the affair. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, but I'm looking forward to this part.
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From what I read last October/Nov about affairs, it's normal for the other person to grieve the A (as illusionary as that BS relationship is -- sorry, still a little bitter on that score, trying to let it go). It sucks to see and it sucks to know that your W has feelings for another man. She's there with you, you have the tools, you can get through it.
Agree. This is a tough pill to swallow. You're right though, we can get through it and hopefully with a much stronger R than before.
crud! sorry to heat that! but Imago is a great alternative! I've heard great things about it and I think it is a great idea. Do go and please tell us how it goes! I would like to find a C that does that in the future, once the probation period for my H ends and he can give our M a bit more of thought.
awww! i'm happy to hear about the rings, that' s awesome news
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It's been about a week since I've posted. I just read my last post and it looked very positive. Sad to say that this last week has been mostly crappy. Last Friday night we planned to go out for drinks and appetizers and then go to see a band. In my mind a date night. The night was okay, but my W seemed a bit uncomfortable the whole night. We had decent conversation over drinks (or so I thought) and on the walk over to the bar for the music, she mentioned that the night so far felt weird. We get the bar where the band is and eventually start dancing. Try to dance closely with her, but she's uncomfortable with that also. Now I begin to get frustrated. Night ends with us arguing on the way home.
Next night we have dinner over at a friends house. Not a bad night. Night after we rent a movie and watch after the kids go to bed. Again, W is very distant. Sitting apart on the couch. I try to sit next to her, but her body language lets me know she is uncomfortable with this also.
Tuesday night we have a discussion before bed. I've been reading the book "Not Just Friends". A recommendation in there is to have full disclosure of the affair, so I bring this up. I have a bunch of questions that she does answer honestly. Things that I pretty much knew the answer to already, but it was painful to hear some of these things actually coming from her. Don't particularly want to repeat it hear, but I'm sure you can guess. There was one thing that she didn't want to tell me that is still eating away at me. There was a previous A that I had known about, but we never really dealt with it appropriately. I found out about, she told me it was over and I dropped it. Foolish me. I think we should have really dealt with the issue then. I'm thinking we could have avoided it the second time. Anyhow, the issue is that she wouldn't tell me who the person was. Now its been eating away at me, but I think I know who it is.
Next night we went out and bought ourselves two new (used) motorcycles. I'm hoping that this will be an activity that will help to bring us back together...
Kicker of the week... I get text messages this morning from OG's cellphone. The message was 'Can you come say hell? Quick I promise'. Shocked to say the least. Showed it to my W. I'm like - What the F**k?? Turns out it was the OGs W that got a hold of his phone and found text messages from my W. She then forwarded them to me. Wife went to work. I had the day off as we had planned on riding today, but W couldn't get off. Talked to W just a few minutes ago. The OG's W showed up at her office wanting to know why my W is texting her H. This week is just going downhill real quick.
My trust at this point is nil. W is going out to a concert tonight with her sister, so I won't be able to talk to her. Not happy right now. Not liking the W very much right now. Not at all.
ah jeez, how old are the messages? maybe they are pretty old but OG's W want sto make trouble for your W.
They were from yesterday. W told me what happened. Says he called on Wed. night I believe. Not sure if he left a message, but she didn't talk to him. She texted him the next morning and wanted to talk to him to see what was up. Not sure who is pursuing who, but I'm pissed. Glad she won't be home this evening so I can stew for a little while.
