Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives muddled and angry: Puddle's third thread

I would re-phrase this: do you want to be right or do you want to do what will end the tension, stress, pressure, conflict between you and H, which may give you your best shot, and even if it doesn't end up saving your M will likely leave you to on the friendliest terms (unless you're bitter)?



Do you think he is still in the a-ha moment?



I hav enever heard Dr. P speak or read anything, but this comes from DR. Systematic search for solutions. Experiement and monitor results. Is it bringing you closer to your goals.



What kind of positive signs? Friendlier? More positive feelings/interactions?

I just read this in Homer - "A person says, "You know, I want a divorce." You respond: "I understand. I agree." It looks like you're moving faster toward a divorce, but you're getting at the roots of why s/he wants a divorce. s/he wants a divorce because you're always disagreeing with him/her. S/he does not want a divorce from somebody who's always pleasant and who is always seeing her side and always agreeing with him/her. That's not the person s/he's pulling away from. S/he's pulling away fromthe person who disagrees with him/her."

Hmmmmmm. Interesting.



I would say, realize you don't need this M, that you can't control H, and accept that it may be over. Be prepared to let it go. Then, stop the chase (all pressure in any form, including disagreeing), focus on you, but happoy, cheerful, etc. and as pleasant as you possibly can around him. After a while, maybe he'll come around. If not, then he never would have anyway, even if you had tried to stand you're ground and be right on whether he is doing somthing bad or not. Right?



Even Nomo needs MORE FUN!!!!!!!

Nomo

I don't think opening up is necessarily a bad thing for you, Puddle. It might open you up to some hurt, but will it hurt less or more if you keep it inside? Showing him the inner you might eventually lead to that damn "connection" he's on about.

Regarding being stubborn about saying the "marriage CAN work", maybe -- You are right, our marriage can't work with only one of us wanting it to. And leave it at that.

Also, to cover the territory of making him own his choice because this is his decision, maybe a general statement along the lines of "as much as you'd like me to be in the same place as you, I'm not. I know in my head that I'll eventually get there, but my heart hasn't caught up yet. For you to expect me to immediately agree that this is hopeless and that I shouldn't love you is cruel/mean-spirited/foolish (don't know the word I'm looking for here) and not the way that my emotions work.

BD

Trying to meet Puddle's needs or H's needs here? If it's Puddle's, do it elsewhere it it drives you and H further away.



I'd leave it at "you are right." The rest of that is a shot at him, a disagreement with him, and he'll no it, get pissed, and dig his heels in for more fighting.



Again, this sounds like we're trying to meet Puddle's needs. Do you need him to acknowledge you're not there? Put your needs aside. I'd not fight him. What can you accomplish by that?

Man, this is interesting, huh?

Nomo

Very interesting. Like you, I've finished reading the Homer book recently. Halfway through one that's almost identical to DB/DR (Royce somebody).

I posted that while watching the girls and would like to retract most of it. Boiling everything that we're all saying to it's essence (to quote nomo earlier): Let go of the rope.

No more tug of war. Go with what they want. Fighting them isn't working. Telling them how we feel isn't working. Note to self: Forehead bloody, stop ramming wall. Relax. Enjoy life. Begin to create a new one. Rediscover who the hell you really are. If in the process, they come back. Huzzah. If not, hey, Hu-freakin'-zah!

BD

VERY WELL PUT BD.

I would add, go with what they want, and be as agreeable and pleasant as you want. It may save your marriage, but if not you'll have a good R with them as friends, and you'll be less stressed yourself.

Hey all, hey Heim!



Hmmm, maybe an idea for that tattoo you've been contemplating? I like it!

Okay, Nomo, I think I get it. And in a weird sense, I think I've accepted it a lot more than H thinks---we're splitting up. It's done. I may as well go along for the ride. And I think he knows how I feel, enough, anyway, and you know, it just doesn't touch him.

How's this new email draft:

"I can accept that the marriage is over and support you in what you want to do. If and when you decide it's time to move out, I'll do whatever I can to be helpful. I want you to be happy and to be your friend.

And I can discuss time/scheduling questions, money, etc. I think it would help me to take these one by one, and specific questions would be simpler to address than larger, more amorphous ones.

Re what I want given the current reality, I want you to spend as much time with the boys as you want. I want to live in the house with them and I want you to continue to provide for us financially. I want us to work together to maintain and improve our relationship and communication. I want time to spend for myself, some of which I may ask you to provide by watching the kids.

How's that for a start?"

Looking forward to feedback. Maybe I'll get this email sent before I leave tomorrow (for a few days).

Thanks! Take care.

How's this revision?

"I accept that the marriage is over. I would have preferred to work things out for our kids, but I agree with you that's not possible. If you decide to move out, I'll do whatever I can make the transition as smooth as possible. We can discuss time/scheduling/money questions whenever you want. I want us both to be happy and friendly.

I want you to spend as much time with the boys as you want. I want to live in the house with them and I want you to continue to provide for us financially. I want us to work together to maintain and improve our relationship, as co-parents and friends, and our communication. Also, I want time to spend for myself, some of which I may ask you to provide by watching the kids.

Ok?"

Nomo

1st paragraph, second line, insert "to" after "can"

Hey Heim,

Are you editing an article? What are the HTML codes for proofreader's marks?

Thanks, Nomo, that's just lovely. And not quite as stiff as what I wrote, which H will certainly appreciate.

Okay, now that I've accepted it's over and am willing to work with H to "move forward," let's all watch and see what happens. I'll be the Homer guinea pig.

I'll let you all know what happens. Thanks, as ever, for the thoughtful advice. I certainly appreciate you all.

Take care.

Button pushed, email sent. We have liftoff.