Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? every spouse is different

Usually, there's a lot of talk about how, when you truely detach from your spouse, and then "go dark" or dim on them.... THAT's when they really start getting interested in you, and try to come back.

I wanted to post that that is not always the case for everyone.

I think that it's really important to not be "needy". But that's not the same as ignoring them.

However, some of the biggest positive trends in my relationship with my (still separated for over a year) wife, have been when I chose to make a big deal over special events, and give her a gift, or a treat, etc. Birthdays, mothers day, even one time our anniversary (the first was a dud, but the second went very nicely)


Unfortunately, it hasnt lasted firmly yet
But I just wanted to share that little differing datapoint, in amoungst the "get a life, ignore them, and they'll come crawling back" type attitudes.

Every leaving spouse has similarities... yet they are also unique.

Ok so you must be living in my Living room!! I needed to hear this so much. I am SO NEEDY! You are so right every time he has come to me has been when he thinks I have stopped pursuing him.

I am not going dark but I have decided to not initiate any contact myself. When he calls me I will talk.

Hey Dom,

Like you I've been separated over a year, 9 months of it on active duty, 3 months in Iraq. What's a recap of your sitch?

"bad things" have usually happened one way or another, when I give my full story online.

i'll try for a brief summary, and see what happens, I guess.

[....]

hmmm. I had it ALL typed up... almost ready to go.... and then got interrupted just before posting. (by a call from my wife, no less!)

I've noticed a trend: when i get interrupted like that, seems like God is looking out for me, and telling me "bad idea".

So, I've "seen what happened", and it would seem to be "dont post about it" sorry.

I'll just say that I miss my wife (and children!!) and would like to be with them all every day; it's up to her whether she wants it to happen.
I'm trying to consistently show her positives, to show that it would be worth it to try.

Hey Dom, does writing about it somehow change your views about it??

Just wondering why 'bad things' would happen when you write it up. (Unless, allowing the paranoia to speak, she were reading her?)

Really appreciate the counter point, Dom. I have found this to be true of my sitch as well and for a while thought I must be doing something wrong. Nevermind that we seemed to be moving forward, it wasn't exactly the way the book said it should be so it must be wrong. Anyway, I have figured out that this is not necessarily true and I appreciate you sharing your experience on that as well.

For me, my M has made HUGE jumps when I did things like say ILY (at the right time of course), sent flowers, called just because. It's a balancing act, to know when it's OK to slip something like that in without going overboard, but it can work. I think the key for me was that when I did those things, I made sure I was really working from a place of love and concern, not one of desperation. My W can smell desperation on me from a mile off and she runs from it like from a skunk.

BS, my first go-round here (different username), I used to send him little ILY notes, call him randomly, etc. Got great results. It's not necessarily 'breaking the rules' since you're just doing what works.

Just adding my 2 cents worth here. LRT and going dark did not work for me. I am sure it probably would have had more of an effect earlier on in the sitch.

But by the time I did it, H was relieved and just happy that I "went away". It took the pressure off him, but did not make him interested or bring him around.

I was left without a clue what to do. I could not "go light". Poking my head back out and trying to be caring/supportive did not get me anywhere either . . . . .

So now I just sit here, waiting to get served papers.

In theory, I think the DB principles are great. I think some of use have spouses, or sitch's that are just too "far gone". Like her disclaimer in the book, "Some of these techniques will not work, sometimes your spouse has firmly shut the door on your marriage and walked away".

Oh well, the PMA and GAL has been very helpful for ME. And that is all that really matters, right?

Then again . . . . . he's not filed for divorce yet, right?

Darn, there goes that hope, floating up to the surface again!

heh

Sounds like all you can do, in your situation, is not initiate... but when he "has" to contact you, for whatever reason... be pleasant, rather than forcing the "go dark, business only" stuff.

Who knows... after a few months... maybe you two will actually be able to talk more naturally again.

that is perhaps when you will be able to think about doing more.

Pony, I think Dom is right that LBS may give up too soon and just start to ignore anything positive. Sometimes status quo and not filing is positive. I am glad you both have stayed patient and positive. Every sitch and spouse is different but there definitely seems to be a phychological profile and pattern here.