Yeah, that's been the goal all along. This is just a bit different strategy.
I wonder if I like it because it means I get to avoid discussing my feelings with H. Guess I'll have to keep that up with others, since it is one of the things I want to work on for me.
It seems safer to err on this side, though, than saying too much and thus driving H further away.
Nope. Don't know about you, but every book I've read (at least the one's I thought made sense) were some variation of DBing (or DBing is some variation of something else). Whichever, they're all the same.
Interestingly, I found echoes of Stephen Covey in a lot of them too (of course, he's just a distillation of stuff that Ben Franklin was saying about self-improvement way back when). Nothing new here, move along.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
In regards to Nomo's comment about the WAS waiting for us to agree with them. I think this is because they feel guilty because they are hurting us so much. They avoid talking or being direct about what they want because it just brings that all out. They DO still care about us, I mean, how can they not at least a little? They HAD planned on being with us forever, but then something inbetween happened. I know it's hard to believe after all the pain they're causing us, but they are in pain too.
So, I think her stating that she understands his feelings but does not feel the same way, but she respects any decision he makes and wants him to be happy is a good thing.
And Puddle, I think you need to stop focusing on wanting your H to understand he's doing something "TO YOU" and the kids. I really would be suprised if this was his plan all along. He's at a point where he just can't take it, maybe he's been faking something for along time...which your mentioning of his depression which I never knew about would make sense...and this is his "only hope". However, he is being torn by causing this rift in the family and if YOU felt the same way, it would be so perfect and he wouldn't feel guilty anymore.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Re whether or not this is DBing, I'm not sure. The DB coach I talked to said to tell him, "I'm just not there yet, I'm sorry," told me not to agree if I don't.
Originally Posted By: S.T._I Made It!
However, he is being torn by causing this rift in the family and if YOU felt the same way, it would be so perfect and he wouldn't feel guilty anymore.
So to clarify, ST, you're saying I'll be easing his guilt if I tell him it's okay, you're right, the M is done, it's impossible to fix, etc, and that's a bad thing?
And Nomo's saying, go ahead and ease his guilt (if it does) because it'll give you a better shot in the long run?
I think perhaps the difference between this and DBing per se is this is less aggressively honest about how I feel. I mean, I know DBing says, hey, it's not about how you feel right now, but when things get down and dirty, you speak the truth, calmly and unemotionally, and let the S deal with their own reaction.
Not sure there. Anyone?
Hey MMan! I'm not sure about brave, but I guess that's what you get when you try to let go of the fear, or maybe just move right on through it. I understand what you said to W, though. I bet we're driving them nuts with all the validation and subtle hints, though. H keeps telling me, great! That's some really good active listening you're doing there, but how about what YOU think? He better watch out or one day I might tell him.
Well, I assume H got the email, but hasn't responded. I just sent a quick text message because I wanted him to pick something up on the way from work. Then when I checked back 30 seconds later I found "What? I'm leaving" then "Okay, out." Oh well. Doesn't sound particularly friendly, does it?
Hi Puddle. On BB now, but let me try to respond to a few things in the last few posts.
1. Yes, I think the WAS feels guilty, and yes I think easing that guilt is a good thing. I mean getting their minds of the tension between you (whether that emanates from their guilt or something else) and the negative feelings they associate with the current interactions between you is a good thing. Then, perhaps, they can focus on good feelings between you, good interactions and\or your good qualities.
2. Yes this may be less aggressively honest than we would like, but what really matters. And at its core, DB is about searching for solutions, or what works. There are no wrong buttons, except the one you keep pushing over and over that doesn't work.
3. Puddle, don't sweat h's not so friendly responses. He is not going to trust any changes at first. You have to be consistent over a period of time. His initial reactin to your change (launched by your email) will be skepticism. Wouldn't yours?
Hope it helps, Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Hey puddle I gotta tell you, I hjave been reading all this all day while on the road and just know therew are a lot of us wondering why "they" don't respond more positively to us.
I am personally on the fence here; letting go that is. If you ultimately let go and it looks like giving up, it is for sure a risk that our S's will think, "finally, guilt removed, I can now validate the fact that I am screwing this all up and get on with it", on the other hand, I hear everyone on letting love in so to speak by removing the guilt. That's the one I am really on the fence about. Isn't guilt or the spectre of guilt what keeps us from doing all sorts of stupid things in life??? Yes, it absolutely is so people feeling guilt is not all bad. It the idea that it blocks them from feeling affection that I agree with.
Just food for thought, no real advice or solution, crap, I was hoping after typing all this on my BB I would have some words of advice or a revelation.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
