Quoting lostlove:...so I think LL has a right to be tired and fall asleep on the couch.
Does it mean that your H also deserve that without being frustrated with?
Having said that, take care of yourself; it is indeed a full time job to play a house hold mom already, besides DB, coaching H, EMT, book clubs, etc. etc. etc....
Quote: Does it mean that your H also deserve that without being frustrated with?
yes!!! in one of my earlier threads (back before h came home) I talked about how I would just love for him to be here falling asleep on the couch..that I finally understood he was just tired and that it's ok...just because I never allowed myself the right doesn't mean he shouldn't.
I get frustrated when h falls asleep in the middle of a "talk" I get frustrated when h falls asleep and I want him..but when h falls asleep because he's tired..it's really ok with me as long as there is not a distance between us already. (does that make sense??)
Thanks so much for your post about what YOU DID RIGHT AND WRONG. It has helped me to put my own sitch in perspective. I need to live for me and be independent. If H has a problem it's his not mine.
As I've said before be careful what you wish for you just might get it. In H's case he'll maybe have his D but he'll lose an awful lot.
Sounds like your sitch is progressing in the right direction. I am so very happy for you LL.
Maybe we can get together soon for a movie or something. Also, hope to see you at Chuck's.
learn this...when a was says they are confused...let them ease their way back to you...it may be hard but don't have them come home until they are ready..
I am dealing with a man who still doesn't know what he wants..for some reason thinks we have different desires and yet can't tell me what his desires are.
says that his r with ow was a good friendship..they could laugh and talk...want to talk and want to listen.
h doesn't laugh often with me...doesn't talk often with me and doesn't want to listen to me..
h doesn't know what to do...and yet does nothing...
h is here because he loves his kids...and yet wont do what it takes to make that fun r with their mother for them.
h seems content to just be misserable...
I don't see h wanting to do anything different...it seems to me as if h's going to c to get permission to leave me...
I have told h there will come a point when I too don't have the desire to work on this r...
that if things don't change that some things may happen..
LL will go out and have fun enjoying her life...LL is too young to sit at home watching cnn everynight.
the danger in that is...someone will see LL for the fun person she is...they will pay her some attention and well then you can guess how that story goes...
or LL just gets so fed up with the status quo that h is one day faced with papers he didn't know where comming.
h doesn't know how he would feel about that.
h needs a reality check...
I need a rality check..
why am I doing this anyway???
someone please remind me???
h came home...mostly for his son...that I knew long ago...part of him wanted to be with me too...
I should not have let h come home...should not have given him the chance to try...before he was really ready too...it just seemed that he was...I should have known better...I should have realized it when he said.."I have to sacrifice my own needs for my family" ya as if that doesn't say it all..he's doing the "right" thing...yes sometimes it's fun but most of the time..he's just going with the flow..
what a crappy life for LL and her kids.
I want a new life...I want to rip off this old skin and run down the street naked (oh no it's too cold out there) I want to scream and yell and break things. I want to do something...but mostly what I want to do is have a friend and be a friend....but that seems impossible with the man I so foolishly chose to marry.
I know h is a fun person.. I know h is a caring person.. I know h is a spontaneous person I know h is alive... I know h wants to live life I know h wants to experience things I know h wants to laugh I know h wants to share..
but for some reason beyond me...h doesn't want to do these things with me.
and could someone tell me why this man chooses to go to sleep in my bed after saying such things to me??? is he not daft??
I so want to run away...to hell with walk a way wife syndrome....I want to run run run and keep running the only thing keeping me in this house are my two beautiful children whom I feel so sad for...why oh why did I bring them into this mess. if I could pick them up and run away and never come back I would. I am so tired of being a misserable depressed lonely woman....all I want is a friend...so many others want to be my friend...why has h never wanted to be my friend.
I have to go cry now...and I don't even want to go to sleep as h is in MY bed...think I'll sleep on the couch..he wont care anyway.
I don't think he is looking for permission to leave. He came back. He got nervous when you talked about meeting with the lawyer. Maybe you are right, he came back too soon. Or maybe there is just still work to be done, and it would have needed to be done no matter how soon he came back. He is going to C. Will you be going together? Maybe then he will be willing to work on those issues. I hope so. You have come so far.
You know he is not a crazy romantic. But you probably fell in love with him for his qualities - you know, the same ones that drive you crazy now!
Sorry you are feeling so sad and discouraged. To think your sit. is what I am striving to reach!
Sweet dreams, LL. I hope things look brighter tomorrow.
Quote: You know he is not a crazy romantic. But you probably fell in love with him for his qualities - you know, the same ones that drive you crazy now!
lets see some of this we can chalk up to wooing season...h used to leave roses at my house for me with the little cards filled out with little notes like..knew you were having a bad time lately and thought these would cheer you up. or these roses needed a home and I couldn't think of a better place than in your room...and many others that made all my friends go aaawwww...and one year on my birthday (it was my job to empty the littel waist baskets throughout the house) at each litte basket I found a small present...a chain a charm and a pair of earings...it wasn't the gifts it was the thought put into them and how they were given...once on a trip to canada during my sophmore year in college I left behind my favorite boots...I was bummed the hotel didn't have them to send to me...that christmas h asked my friends to help him find me a pair like them...h wrote in my christmas card the year I was pregnant with son...([censored] I can't go get it cause h is up there) but basically how proud he was of me for all that I was doing and that he knows he husband skills leave alot to be desired and that he hoped for the best for our family, it was really sweet I'll write it here tommorow. he'd always write something in cards given to me...my birthday the first year we were married he lit candles and sang happy birthday all alone to me...when I had our son he stayed by my side (even though he let his damn mother in the room til I had the nurse kick everyone out) and after he was born gave me the biggest hug...got me roses and a doll for son that I had seen in the gift shop...called me constantly...hugged me...helped me up when I was weak...got me cards from him and son on my very first mothers day (just a week after son's birth) with flowers...made me grilled cheese sandwiches and soup when I was to big and preg and tired from working all day on my feet...brought home dinner from the resteraunt we used to go to on special occasions for valentines day when I was to big and preg to go sit in a resteraunt and even was silly enough to put on my red silk robe while I wore my white one and eat a candle light dinner with me.
we used to sit up and watch re-runs of the x-files everynight...we used to get take out and sit on the floor in the living room.
I have a picture of us wearing hawian clothes dancing in the kitchen getting ready to go to a jimmy buffett concert (oops didn't know son was comming with us)
things changed...
I was home all day with son...alone and lonely...h worked more and more and more and when he came home (his office was at home for a while) he'd stay down in his office for hours and hours working...comming up to read son a story while I nursed him to sleep and then back down to the office he went.
I don't know if we can get it back...
I don't know if I care to put in the effort with someone who is so seemingly not interested in putting for the effort too.
it is more than giving hugs and playing with the kids..it is more than having sex...
it is so much more...and it's all here for the taking...h just has to open his eyes and see..
I am so tired of this battle...I am so tired of trying to get h to be my friend...
I guess I should just settle for being his wife and be content with that....why should I want h to laugh and joke and have fun with me..really that is too much to ask of someone.
6 missdialed #'s on h's cell phone...1, 123, 12, 9...whatever you get the point...gee is this h mumble fingers dialing wrong 6 times in a row all within a min??? doubtfull this is h filling up his sent calls so that ow's # wont show up...do I care...will he be honest...at this point does any of it even make a difference....
NO!!!!
I don't give a crap anymore....I will live my life for me...I will do whatever I want to do..I will be whatever I want to be..I will talk to who ever I want to talk to....I will accept invites for coffe if I so choose....I do not have a H in this house....I have a child who wants to play games...I'm not playing anymore there is nothing in it for me...I have put effort into this r for far far far too long...longer than anyone with half my intelligence should have...take your books and your no r talk and your dbing and shove it...all it's doing is enabling h to walk all over me and for me to live a freakin lie!!!!
I will not wait and suffer in silence...I will not go about business thinking all is well and will be well...I will not wait til h is caught with ow or another ow...I will do as I please whether it pleases h or not...I will say what I want and be what I want and go where I want...h wants to live here an be with his kids...good...when you get home from work...you can be with your kids..put them to bed and then sit on the couch and chit chat with your freaking buddie...go ahead call your little trampy friend too...I don't care...I'll be off somewhere with someone who wants to talk to me and laugh with me and enjoy me!!!!
I am soooooo tired of waiting for this man....I don't need to...I don't want to....I don't care anymore!!!
I think you can get it back. It was there, so you know the potential (sadly, I'm not sure I can say the same - H did some sweet things for me a very long time ago, but could never compete with yours!).
Seems to me the kids changed everything in your sit.. So you need to reclaim as much as you can of what was different then. I know you can't change it all, but you are making a good start, taking the emt training and looking towards working. It will add more balance to your roles - although more stress too, as you won't have as much time for household chores and child care, but maybe this will mean he has to adjust what he does to compensate. And I think he has it in him. I remember you saying early on that he was already then (I don't think he was home yet) starting to help lots more around the house. And he's obviously invested in the kids. That's huge.
Don't quit now LL - think of how far you have come!
