This was an excellent post and again you are an optimist. I can directly request, confront and etc... and as Schnarch would tell you I may still not get it -
that is true. but by confronting, you improve your chances of getting what you want, from 0%, to at least 50%
PS:
Quote:
What is the worst that will happen if I get more direct and confrontational? Well, then we will be unhappy AND won't be having sex. KWIM?? We will stop being civil, otherwise engaged, happy with one another as parents...
ok, you have to stop that. right now.
That kind of thinking is the exact reason why michelle wrote the "act as if" stuff. you're undermining positive action on your own part, by focusing on negative stuff.
maybe you should go re-read the DB book
besides which... you're already not happy with him.
Learning how to resolve issues constructively, is crucial, in any marriage.
You dont have any way left, other than confronting. There is nothing wrong with confronting each other about issues! So long as you do it in a firm, yet loving and respectful way, it can bring you together, rather than separate.
Last edited by Dom R; 10/02/0709:10 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
but by confronting, you improve your chances of getting what you want, from 0%, to at least 50% That is not true Dom. Increasing the chances of getting what you want is most likely to be in the 5% range, with a 3% chance it will back-fire.
ETA So long as you do it in a firm, yet loving and respectful way, it can bring you together, rather than separate. I agree with that.
For a visual on the sneak attack 69 picture a silent hovercraft with the ability to hover at low altitudes for long periods of time. Perhaps alien in origin. What's that? I didn't hear it but there it is hovering within visual range.......Call for back up! I've been hit!............
Karen (waaaaaaaay too little sleep)
Ohhhhh man your killing me !! It's been waaaaay tooooooo long since I've had the visual of one of my wife's sneak attacks 69's. But it's that visual that keeps me pressing on
{shrug} oh, well. I still don't get it. Obviously, I haven't been watching enough (or the right type of?) porn.
Actually, I think "Imconfused" just gave a description that could qualify as a "sneak attack" scenario. AND, it also qualifies as my daily porn ration, to boot. (Whew!! ). (good thing I'm in charge of the porn-filter here at the office. I think it set off an alarm).
{I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was probably just the cough medicine. There's a reason that stuff is "prescription only" ).
I'm a bit behind on this thread, but something you said earlier is very familiar to me:
Quote:
The thing that prevents me from bringing this up tonight is one look at my H's calendar for the week. He has multiple evening meetings, many of them involving intense type issues.
One thing I see in my W is the tendency to get so involved with whatever activity is at hand that she neglects her own needs. Naturally, the relationship is not even on the radar scope during these phases, which is most of the time.
With regards to all the "he's gay theories", I wonder if your H's issues stem from:
1. Martyr syndrome, takes on too much and tries to please everyone but you. 2. Low libido 3. Performance anxiety from knowing that he isn't satisfying you. 4. Mild depression.
Rather than being gay. I could see where this could cause him to avoid S. Not that knowing the root cause helps much, you still aren't going to get much lovin IMO.
You also said one time that you were an Enneagram Type 8/2 pair, am I recalling this right? I was reading about various pairings and this one came up as a big problem, it gave details but I forget exactly which site it was. I can find it if you are interested. BTW I put a lot of stock in the Enneagram/Briggs typing, I find it very accurate in predicting behaviors at home and work.
Actually, I think "Imconfused" just gave a description that could qualify as a "sneak attack" scenario. AND, it also qualifies as my daily porn ration, to boot. (Whew!! ). (good thing I'm in charge of the porn-filter here at the office. I think it set off an alarm).
{I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was probably just the cough medicine. There's a reason that stuff is "prescription only" ).
Sorry, didn't mean to be so graphic. I was just a little awe struck by the whole thing that I had to let it out to someone But yes, a very similar version to the "sneak attack 69" only without the 6, or is it the 9?? Karen, a little help here....
Awe don't tell me it was the cough medicine....I had a similar scenario last weekend but it WAS the alcohol
Oh, speaking of Karen....real real real sorry to hear about them Gators
but by confronting, you improve your chances of getting what you want, from 0%, to at least 50% That is not true Dom. Increasing the chances of getting what you want is most likely to be in the 5% range, with a 3% chance it will back-fire.
Alright, DIY, you are now banished to the pessimist's penalty box :P
Karen's husband is spineless. He's an avoider. At the same time, he has not been described as prone to rages or retaliation.
Also, he has of his own motivation and free will, shown that he still cares about his wife a lot (unlike many other people's spouses described around these parts)
That kind of person will usually respond favourably, if their spouse stands firm and shows them, "I really mean it this time!"
Note the reference to "Honeypot's H" that someone made higher up.
Last edited by Dom R; 10/03/0705:46 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Wow - I'm thinking that Stu and Dom both seem to have a pretty good bead on my H. Although Lou's percentages are probably fairly accurate. My H is not prone to rages when confronted but he is prone to rages that relate to other things (especially stuff the kids do/don't do) - he will scream about the thing done/not done, it will usually involve obscenities not directed at the person but at the thing that is done/not done and then he's kinda over it. Things he is confronted with result in a more avoidant or sometimes downright passive-agressive scenario.
He used to be uncomfortable when making plans with my family because he is not very involved with his. He didn't understand why we needed to see them once every 6-8 weeks (they live an hour away) and that sometimes that needed to be at their house. He was so uncomfortable with it that he would want to invite the entire universe to come along when they just wanted to be with us and their grandkids every now and then. This led to some miserable situations where everyone was uncomfortable, H would resist making plans, my parents would get pissed because H would bring along a dozen people etc... It was a huge issue. Finally, I confronted his avoidance and we had a couple of arguments about it and he admitted his avoidance and why and then we slowly but surely hit upon a solution. It took a while but now everyone is much more comfortable - him and my parents.
No - he is not prone to retaliation though.
Imconfused gave a great description of what I have done for a "sneak attack" with H and he has complied. FWIW what I wish H had done is on ANY of those occasions said, "Honey, I just loved it when you sat on my face. Do it again and soon."
H does of his own free will make it sound like he actually likes me as a spouse. He is a frequent sender of flowers to my work. How is it that he is more comfortable sending flowers that publicly show his feelings than groping me in private? A mystery to me. Dom, again I appreciate your optimism. H does get pretty p*ssy when I bring up sex. It has been such an uncomfortable, ongoing issue and talking about it seems to make both of us even less comfortable with the doing part. After a long uncomfortable radically honest discussion noone's libido is humming. Ya know?
).