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GG,

You should start your own thread on this forum so we can quit hijacking lost's, eh?



Be careful about making comments that might cause W to feel guilty (saying it was partly due to the separation) -- never good. However, that being said I think you did fine here, GG. Ask yourself this: is it better to argue about who is right about the root of this behavior, or better to work on addressing his behavior in a healthy and constructive manner? By not disagreeing, you did well. However, I think it is perfectly okay to say something about how you think the problem should be addressed with S10, his teacher, etc. Coming up with a plan together is what is best here. Were you controlling or did you give her the reigns most of the time in your R/M? If you controlled, give her more of the say on things now (don't just buckle, but let her lead). If you sat back in the past, be more proactive and decisive -- take the bull by the horns a little more (but don't force). Monitor the results of such actions for 2-3 weeks (at least), and determine whether or not there is cheese in the tunnel. If not, try doing something else. If she responds favorable (i.e. there's cheese), keep doing what is working.



I'm sorry, GG -- I'm sure that was hard to hear, but stay strong for him and reassure him that you guys will all be fine and that you've just gotta weather the storm that life has sent your way for the time being. Stay strong for him (and it sounds like you are -- good for you!).



First, where did the permission slip come from? Second, why not just discuss this issue with S10 first and find out what he thinks, and then discuss it further with W? Tell her you concerns, and somehow figure out how to slip in a question about why she thinks he wouldn't benefit from it. I guess that's what I would do.



Your last statement summed up my answer pretty well. Don't dwell on it too much, because you can't know until/unless you discuss it with her.


Just don't be needy when she comes around. Be cool, strong, happy, confident, etc. Show her that you are a strong man who can deal with anything life has to throw at him. She will admire and respect this, which certainly can't hurt you and your sitch. What can hurt you, however, is showing neediness, pursuing, weakness, etc -- not attractive qualities, and such qualities would only serve to make her feel guilty (which isn't what you want).

Good luck on the job hunt -- that should keep you busy, shouldn't it?

GD

Good Guy....good things happen to good people. I am so sorry about your job but perhaps it is a door opening, that only seems to be closing, to something bigger and better, something you otherwise would not have gone looking for.? I hope so. Laws of attraction...if you are positive you will attract positivity. (funny how easy it is to say to other people but hard to get myself) example?

Look how i screwed up today:this is his reply to an email from me




you can see form this email he is never mean...he is very kind to me. I am so frustrated because I want him back.

Here was my reply:



Stupid huh? THne he sent me a text that said not to be so hard on myself. That I am a good mother and that he is sorry for the way he feels right now...(not comfortable enought to hang out with me alone or in groups) that was what started this whole thing...and so now I have sat at my desk the last hour crying. I am so frustrated. I should have jnust 'listened' to him eh?

Okay, the last email was not good IMHO because you laid a guilt trip on him and made him feel guilty. Making a spouse feel guilty is never good, esp when it is calculated. You are telling him you've changed, but are showing him otherwise. You need to DETACH from him. Quit sending him these emails and quit trying to guilt him into feeling sorry for you. Self pity is not an attractive quality, and until he can see you strong and balanced on your own two feet, he will not want to come back. It demonstrates that you HAVEN'T grown, despite you SAYING otherwise.

That being said, I think it is obvious from his email that he still cares about you and wants to make this work. However, you're being too pushy and needy. Your last email lacked a show of growth. He KNOWS you want him back, now quit pushing him for it and SHOW him that you will be okay with or without him. However, show him that you PREFER him, not NEED him. I know you said you don't NEED him anymore, but your actions show otherwise. They show him, "I'm desperate! Come save me from this torment!" Re-read your last email and look at how transparent this message is.

You need to get control of yourself and check your actions before doing foolish things (like the email). You're torturing yourself by doing what you're doing. Detach from him and focus on YOU, okay? Please do this for YOU.

GD

Yes, and empathized and validated too.

Lost you were in such a better place when I went to work and I come home to this.

You know better. You have had someone do it to you. Stop showing him that woman that left him and start showing him the woman that wants to grow old with him.

Next time something like this comes up. Post it here first. Vent here. This is the place to do it. I really wanna lay it on thick but you said you know you screwed up. Hopefully he is still not listening to what you say.

I understand that you are lonely. Hell I am too and I live in the same house with my wife. We sleep in the same bed. You just gotta stop flip-floping where he can see it. Flip-Flop here all you want.

You can survive. You can move on if necessary. You have proved that. You wish you could take it all back. You can "Do It".

heimlich. I will email you the book tomorrow. I have it at work on my email there. Sharing useful info...fantastic idea.

Gone dancing and forrest.

Forrest I really did expect a tongue lashing from you...but it is true...i have beat myself up about it all day. And gone dancin.... I have a problem with acting before I think. I am getting much better at controlling it but sometimes...wow...it just happens.

I was over at his new house tonite Not some thing I would have picked but he is proud of it and I am proud of him. I told him as much too. He ended up brewing a pot of coffee for us and we sat on the porch and talked. I did alot of listening and told him when he was done why I was hurting so much. I told him I was hurting because I had hurt him badly enought to lose his trust. That I had forgiven myself but that it was something that would not ever be forgotten by me and again that I was sorry. I told him that I was grateful for the amicable relationship that we do have. He asked me why I could let myself go and be happy and social and funny with other people and not with him. I told him it was hard. when you are hurting to act like you arent' is hard. He undrstood that and said that he wants us to be honest wiht each other.

He asked about the changes I could see in myself and he asked about how I was feeling. We talked about facing my fears. I told him just how dependent I had been on him and that I knew it was unhealthy. I told him that I have learned to depend on ME. He knows this is true. I have only called him once when my son had an asthma attack but other than that I have not counted on him for anything.

I told him that there were positives to our situation. We have both learned so much about ourselves throught this whole process. He is big into looking for the positives. He agreed. He admitted to being an enabler and is worried taht as that is his personality that as a taker we could fall back into that old routine and we agreed that neithr of us wnat to do that.

I did not give timelines or say what I wanted to happen today. He talked about patience and how TTT. (things take time) I sort of think he is testin me to see what I am willing to do, to show, how long I am willing to wait. I think when I left we both felt a whole lot better about the situation.

Something that started today so negatively, I feel ended better. He followed me to walmart to pick up some pics, hugged me and I was on my way. I did call him when I got home about getting the e-book for heimlich and it was easy breezy and light.

So I mayh be able to put my head down tonite and truly sleep (after I get my homework done for my nightclass tomorrow!!!) Oha nd make lunch for my daughter.

I think you are right, he is testing you. Similar to how I feel with W, she has to show me she wants to work and we can go from there.
Glad the day looked up, because this morning seemed a bit blah.

only 2 more days till counselling!!!! hooray

I know what you mean about the CS. Thing is you have a counseling session right here. I have found that reading and posting has helped me cope a whole lot more. I guess that is 1 little part of getting a life.

Why can't you be like this all the time. Its right there. I can almost see that was the way you were when you were dating.

Stop beating yourself up it was not that bad. Let me beat you up. There is nothing you could say here that is going to get a rise out of me. It does get a rise out of me when you post things that you have done. I know these things are not you. I saw it almost right away. Obviously I was not clear about it in a manner that you understood but I think you are catching on.

This is gonna sound weird. Me being who I am when you write something here I read it then I post back to you. There is no "emotion" involved in it at all. Don't take that the wrong way. I care about how you do. It is just a honest (brutal) take on what I see.

Use the new tools. Don't pick up the old ones because they feel better in your hands. The new ones fit the situation better and have more power. You will be much more efficient and get the job done faster with the new ones. Sell the old ones. Hell give them away. Just stop using them.

I will go out on a limb and say if what you wrote last about coffee day is true. That was the biggest step you have made in a long time. My C once told me there is nothing wrong with saying what you feel. What he meant was as long as you say whats in your heart you can't go wrong. There has to be no emotion in it at all. It HAS to come from your heart. The other person may not like it or it may hit them wrong but if it is from the heart that is you. Its the you that they are trying to build a relationship with (whatever that may be). Don't you want to put your best out there for all to see?

Have a great day Littlebitlost.