He is the leader in a church and having an affair? Boy oh boy!! That just angers me. Some people have no morals. Have you ever asked him how he would feel if people knew when you have talked about this in the past?
You know, everyone, it just hit me -- and I don't really know why it hasn't struck me until your comments, Saffie, about the OW -- but I now realize that my W is the OW as seen from the OM's marriage's perspective. My W is hurting the OM's W. To the OM's W, my W is the OW.
It would be immediately obvious to anyone outside this frame of reference, and so I am astonished at myself for not having fully made this connection in my own mind until now -- THAT is the pedestal I placed my W upon, ...and that is the pedestal we all just saw crumble. Amazing.
-- but I now realize that my W is the OW as seen from the OM's marriage's perspective. My W is hurting the OM's W. To the OM's W, my W is the OW.
I've thought about this before. It's kind of strange to think about it, isn't it? I will tell you that ow's now xh knew about the A early on. I'm pissed he didn't tell me.
I was in exactly the same position as you and I was pissed about it too. That's why somtimes I think that Theo should tell OM's W about the A but then I can also see that that does not perhaps benefit Theo and I don't know OM's W or have any loyalty to her, whereas I would hate to see it make things worse for Theo.
Not all people do want to know either - it is just such a personal thing. If OW's H had contacted me then OW would have certainly had me turn up at my H's Co and make sure they all knew exactly what I thought.
I know of someone in our town who when she found out her H was having an A with another W she took her kids to where the OW worked, (in a hair salon), and she went in and said in a loud voice "If you want my H you can have my kids aswell" and then she turned and walked out. I could never do that to my kids but I bet for a split second that felt great!!! Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
It is a personal decision on telling the other spouse. For me personally if someone I don;t care who they were ever knew my husband was sleeping with someone else I would hope they would tell me. I honestly hope they would have enough respect to let me know so I wouldn't be in the dark.
I felt the same way. And the fact that my H's whole Co. knew made me feel such a fool. They had seen me at Xmas do's etc and no-one said a word. The OW had even been trying to talk to me all evening at one of these functions. I actually thought she was quite a nice person . I was so doped up on meds as I knew my M wasn't ok, (but not why at that time), that I didn't feel the tension emminating from all the staff. Jeeze, If I had known there would have been one heck of a display at that do!!!. Ever since I have avoided my H's Co events as much as poss. He tells me that as the Chief Execs wife I have to go to some to show that we are together and ok. I have to say that makes me laugh - he took me when they all knew he was fcuking that b!tch so I really don't think me showing up means anything at all apart from that I am a mug who he can do whatever he wants to do to, and I take it!!!
I guess that's love for you. Or do I just prostitute myself for my life style and stability for my children?
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Oh I still am soooo appreciative that OW's H contacted me and felt I needed to know what he knew. My own H couldn't tell me the truth, and being in the dark was horrible. Just awful.
Before I knew he knew, I debated hourly whether to call him. But he already knew.
And yes, I wonder (even though H says NO ONE knows) who thinks of me as a fool as well. I am sure people at H's favorite bar (where he basically dated OW every weekend) wonder quite a bit. I bet they thought SHE was his wife.
Although I felt like a fool, over time it has become apparent that my H's staff all thought he was a fool and could see that she was playing him. They were also very threatened by the R as she used to make it clear she had the boss' ear. The fact that my H would never compromise work decisions to suit personal feelings she just didn't get. Hah!! Stupid woman!!!!
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
That was one amazing, but sad, paragraph. 
. I was so doped up on meds as I knew my M wasn't ok, (but not why at that time), that I didn't feel the tension emminating from all the staff. Jeeze, If I had known there would have been one heck of a display at that do!!!. Ever since I have avoided my H's Co events as much as poss. He tells me that as the Chief Execs wife I have to go to some to show that we are together and ok. I have to say that makes me laugh - he took me when they all knew he was fcuking that b!tch so I really don't think me showing up means anything at all apart from that I am a mug who he can do whatever he wants to do to, and I take it!!!