Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy The Course of an Affair

Larry, you did fine. "Still, it was a net negative in terms of DBing." Not true you did well. But move on. I too have NEVER had an outburst directed at my W. I too have never called her a name. This would probably throw her into cardiac arrest if I did. It may come to this. This may be what needs to be done. But don't think you back slid. You did what needed to be done.

Husband

JH - I know this is counter to DB principles, but to me your blowup was warranted. There are limits to the amount of control you can have. When you start messing with a man's children and add insult to injury by not only replacing him as a husband but also as a father (and with an OM no less), it seems to me he has a right to strongly object! (though it would be good to give yourself a little time to cool off before reacting).

This is just more evidence that people in affairs are essentially drug addicts. They lose all common sense and all sense of decency. In my case, the W sleeps with her boyfriend in our marriage bed down the hall from my daughter, and there's nothing I can do about it.

All you can do is work on yourself and be a rock for your kids while letting time go by. Time is on your side. In the meantime, the kids really need one sane adult parent, and you're it. Keep hanging in there. It will take months, but your time will come.

LL

Husband - I REALLY appreciate your comments and support. I guess I needed some reassurance that I hadn't totally blown it. It's especially meaningful coming from someone like you who's been around here awhile.

I don't intend to make a habit of losing all control like that. I just need to go on from here. I do feel a need to apologize to her for the name-calling though. Any thoughts on that?

LL

Yes larryL,

I too have had to back track a few times. I have apologized to my W for some UN called for mood swings I have had.
But don't make a big thing out of it. Just say "I'm sorry about last night, I have had allot of things on my mind and what I did was totally uncalled for. I don't know what came over Me." or something to that exstent. And LEAVE IT AT THAT. DO NOT EXSPECT anything from her. If the mood is right you may want to give her a hug but you need to be the judge of that. Then walk away. If she starts yelling or tries to start an argument WALK AWAY. DO NOT GO THERE.


Stay Strong buddy your W is not herself right now. She may say things she does not mean.

Husband
P.S don't give me too much credit. If I was good I would not be here..

Husband - Thanks for the advice. I agree.

Re your P.S., there is certainly no shame in being here at DB. Just the opposite; some of the best people I've ever met are here.

LL

So Larry,
You wrote the "A FABLE FOR LEFT BEHIND SPOUSES ENDURING AFFAIRS"

Now I remember you.
Do you want to play a game?? I find it interesting to see how my W reacted when I did not do what she expected me to do. It seems like your W thinks she knows you all too well. You did well when she wanted to start an argument when you humbled yourself and apologized. She was waiting all night. She was thinking over and over what she was going to say to you when you met again. She was building up all this anger to justify her actions. Then the moment came. You two were standing in the street in Dodge City. (Queue music from Clint Eastwood movie) the tumble weed rolls by. She is all tense and ready to reach for her gun. Then you just walk up to her smile apologize and walk away.
In her mind its “WTF is he doing? Get back here. I did not get any sleep last night planning this shoot out and all you do is apologizing?"

It is a fun game. If she is a little late showing up some where. Let it go. Maybe say something like. Didn’t you say you were going to be here by XXXX? I was getting worried. Everything ok?
It really screws with them. And it puts you in a better mood then saying” YOU ARE ALWAYS LATE WHAT THE F*CK YOU CAN"T LEAVE THE OM TO GET HERE ON TIME?”
I found some interesting things out about a wife. When ever there is a conflict. I no longer say things like “you said bla bla bla” Now I say “Sorry I miss understood you”
If I take the blame for most of the little B.S that happens it defuses a lot. Now you need to be careful. You have to remember you know who is really to blame. You don’t want to start down the “Why do I always F*ck up road” because you are not. You are above all that. You are so good you can take the blame of someone else’s doing and still have a good day.

You are doing good Larry. If I am still going to Vegas in Feb maybe we could meet and have a beer somewhere when I am down your way.

Husband

Wow, H, your break yesterday brought you out firing today! I am going to put into practice your suggestions. Very good. It's way too easy for me to fall into the trap of defending, reminding and trying to convince. They already know.

H - I agree that 180's and doing the unexpected (in a positive way) messes with their minds. She was pretty put out when I refused to argue.

Would love to see you if you're down this way (though San Juan Cap. is quite a detour from Las Vegas)!

LL

Larry,

I so enjoyed your fable. It was good you let loose on your wife. Let her have a reality check. I haven't read your thread yet but I have enjoyed your wisdom. I am impressed with your 180. I didn't do very good at it and now I am on the loosing end. Good luck!!!

Penny - Thanks for your comments and support!

LL