From what I've read, the walk-away spouse in an affair is on an emotional high, enthralled with the other person and addicted to the endorphins and adrenaline flooding their brains when they think of or are with the OP. As a left-behind spouse with kids and a walk-away-wife in an intense affair, I've written a little fable as self-therapy. The fable admittedly is partial to the LBS and may not always be true. But please indulge my little fantasy:
Once upon a time, a walk-away-spouse and the WAS' lover (the Other Person) created an emotional island paradise for just the two of them, insulated from the feelings and needs of those left behind on the mainland of Marriage. Affair Island, though built with the pain of their spouses and children, was beautiful and glorious and provided everything they wanted.
As the built and beautified the island, the lovers made plans to be together in bliss forever. However, there was a little problem. They were surrounded by dangerous oceans all around the island. On one side was the Sea of Guilt and on the other the Sea of Loss. Also the island was located below sea level, otherwise known as the Tide of Reality. So they needed large dikes to keep from being inundated and drowned. To do this, they created a big stupid extension of themselves, a giant named "Dopamine" ('Dope' for short), to build and maintain these Dikes of Denial. These dikes worked fine at holding back the water for months and the two lovers remained excited and happy, planning for their endless future together. However, the sea levels around the island kept rising and the pressure on the dikes kept increasing. Sea of Guilt water (from the pain they caused their children and others), started to undermine the dike and water from the Sea of Loss (as they start missing their now-shattered families) started to erode it.
The lovers then needed more interaction with each other to maintain their drug highs and to keep Dope strong in order to reinforce the dikes and plug any leaks. Fortunately for them, his strength was occasionally increased by the left-behind outsiders on the mainland who sometimes unknowingly threw food over the dikes in the form of anger, pleading, interrogation, and blaming. When they stopped doing this and instead adopted attitudes "as if" they were friends of the absent spouses and turned to improving their own separate lives, the Dope weakened. He could then be sustained only by the lovers themselves.
It took a lot of energy to keep the walls strong enough and high enough to keep out the ever-rising seas, so Dope needed larger and larger doses from the lovers to keep strong. After awhile, the lovers were not able to produce the same level of sustenance for the Dope and he weakened more. Eventually, he became too weak to maintain the walls and the Seas of Guilt and Loss start to flow in, making the lovers unhappy with themselves and each other. Finally, the seas overwhelmed the dikes and swamped the lovers. They were engulfed in the flood of guilt and loss that they could no longer keep out and Affair Island broke up and washed away. The lovers eventually washed up back on the mainland, exhausted and wondering what became of their forever paradise.
The End.
Any comments are welcome.
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
Thank you. That is such a great way of explaining everything. My only hope is that the island paradise will soon errode away for my H!
My boss is also having an affair. I know this because I keep his schedule and do a lot of work on his emails. He's made the mistake of not erasing emails from his OW (who also works for our company....in a different dept.). I just wanted to say that I actually thought of him & her more when reading this than of myself & H. I saw a message from my boss & his OW saying that they needed "their proximity" and they needed to get away to "their world" and "their place". How well your story fits. Sad thing is that I just love the bosses wife too. Hard for me to know this.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Larry this is such a great story. I hope this is how they are feeling about the guilt and loss of family. I think they are seeing less of each other for the last month and he has been showing more interest in me. I know I have to really work on GAL which is the most difficult thing to do but very important. I hope things work out for your M, none of us deserve this. m-43 h-49 mlc s-13 m-19 yrs together-29 yrs
Jak, Sue, and rysmom: Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate hearing that my little story struck some chords. It's true we don't deserve this kind of pain, but this is what the universe has handed us and now we are all brothers and sisters, helping each other deal with it. Bless you all!
Larry
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
Your story struck a chord with me. That is exactly where my H and OW seem to be. He has not admitted there is officially another OW, but he has moved out onto their "island". Calls her 20 times a day. WOW!
She has a boyfriend of 4 yrs at home taking care of her son. Spoke with him. He's a great guy and "trusts" her.
I just hope eventually my H remembers his kids are growing up without him.
____________________ M 29 H 33 D 5 months S 9 and 2 Bomb 6-30-07 Separated 8-19-07
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Larry - interesting story, thank you for sharing it! I think it rings true for a lot of us LBS.
I'd be curious how Oldtimer would re-write it. She likes to play "Devil's Advocate" and write it from the other side sometimes.
How are things going for you? Are you finding some good GAL things to keep you going?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
