A house is material, what you have in front of you is real love, should you both choose to own up to it. How have you addressed the issues to make you happy and in turn attract him back
?
Let's see. I feel like I have done so much this last few months (6to be exact) I left (true) but in leaving I figured out all the stuff I'm not sure would have been as clear to me had I stayed. I took it ALL for granted and I knew this and told him as much. I told him I needed to learn appreciation. He kept telling me to go, that he wanted me to be happy, to figure it out. I have never been independent. This scared the crap outta me. I learned to be independent. I learned to be oK with me on my own. I was afraid of everything and I mean everything. I have faced and dealt with alot of fears. Dibilatating fears. I was angry and frustrated and I did not know why. I am not angry anymore. I have faced accepted and dealt with alot of fears over the last 6 months. One of the biggest was being on my own.
I am in counselling, I am more physically active, I am taking better care of my health.
If I need to talk about something I do...I dont bottle it up anymore..I don't put up walls. I have rebuilt a relationship with my family (which broke down as my marriage did because they were always on his side-really shoulda listened to my mother) I will paste the letter mymother wrote to me not tooo long ago. She really is a smart woman.
I guess I just never imagined that we woud not be ok. He has changed so much and I know my actions elicited these behaviors. I think they were necessary and that they will allow him to be a happier person (does not allow people to walk all over him anymore etc) but the change is so drastic that I feel I need to get to know him again and I'm not sure I will be afforded that opportunity. Was all I did to 'find me' worth where I am now? I'm not sure, the journey isnt over. I guess I wish I had done it differently.
I love my husband and family with all my heart and soul and I pray everyday taht we will be oK> I think about christmas morning and the shared custody and I want to kiss them goodnite as they go to bed everyday.
Changes I have made also: think before I speak so that what I am saying is something i really mean
Wait a week before I follow through on drastic decisions...I may not feel the same way in 7 days as I do now.
Consider the consequences of my actions before I act.....
The list is huge. This has been a great personal growth period for me....a rude awakening and definitely my biggest life lesson yet! I hate and at the same time I am thankful for it because I will be a better perso for it and my potential as a wife, if ever given the opportunity, is great.
I guess thats just a start CLiffy
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
Yes I think he was the WAS in the relationship. Now and then. You have to lead the way. You will have to be the leader in your own stitch. You effected the change.
Thanks for the explanation forrest...and I guess I may have to lead the way a bit as well as display a great deal of patience, which he did do for me as well (for about a year)
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
See I told you you were going somewhere. I could see it coming. Your responce to me and Cliffy left you "In the Rain". When I said you were showing him "I need someone" read your first couple of posts. Just your posts, forget about what everyone else has said then read your last 2 responces (without reading the quotes). To me that was you "In the rain".
Stop right here.. Go read your posts then come back and finish reading what I have for you here.
He agiain by his own admission dosent want the "old" relationship back. I have a hard time with the starting all over analogy. I don't think you have to start completley over. You know the man. You know what he wants and desires. You know (or at least I think you do) what to do. I am not great at telling people what to do. I kinda want people to get it on their own. You are getting it. Stand "In the Rain" like you just did. Use your new tools. Show him what it could be like. Don't let him see you falter. If you can do that I don't think you will not have to be as patient as your mind is allowing you to think. To me what you wrote this last time is 100 times more attractive than what you wrote the first time. Which person does he see? If he is seeing both he will definately not trust it when he sees the "new" you.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Forrest, I don't know what book you read the following quote in, but man is that the truth!!!
A woman marries a man expecting he will change. And he does not.
A man marries a woman expecting she will not change. And she does.
Lost, you said..... This has been a great personal growth period for me....a rude awakening and definitely my biggest life lesson yet! I hate and at the same time I am thankful for it because I will be a better person for it and my potential as a wife, if ever given the opportunity, is great.
I think we can all agree with that statement (of coure for us guys, replace wife with husband, lol)
I saw my W this morning as I do just about every weekday, just for a moment. My S got a letter home from school again this week, 2 weeks in a row now, last week for speaking out of turn in class, this one for not turning in a homework assignment, and when he gets one, his punishment is to miss the 1st quarter of his football game, and he is the starting quarteback. I feel like a lot of it stems from his mother and I being apart. He's the one who has to bounce from home to home. He is typically, a smart, grounded, well mannered 10 year old. But I feel like this whole deal has crushed his world. Have any of you found your kids acting out or differently? If so, what have you done beside telling them everything will be okay? Tonight I am going to sit down with him and tell him I've lost my job, tell him it will all be okay, even though I'm not convinced myself.
Lost, we are being dealt problems that we feel we don't deserve, for you, the sale of your house, for me the loss of my job, and for all of us the end of our families as we know them. We need to lean on each other, no one can feel the pain unless they are in the midst of it, as we all are. Good luck, stay in touch.
GD, where are you? You mentioned going to a different thread. But I do like hanging around this neck of the woods.
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
At this point my children are so very young, I dont see any real change in them.
Wanted to post something for you guys to read. It is a letter than my mother wrote me and probably offers great insight into me from someone looking in. Here it is.
Quote:
Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2007 19:26:08 -0400 Erin,
I have been thinking about our converstion of last night qnd a few others we have had and thought that I would write you my thoughts so that I could get them all out.
You may consider this a 2x4 if you wish and stop reading any time you like. Here are3 my thoughts and observations.
You are all about immediate gratification - you want to know how long A is going to make you suffer ... but you want no review of what you have done to him over the past year or more [and I can relate many things that were extremely selfish and cruel - though I don't believe that was your intent just that your focus was solely on your feelings and wants at the time of your cruelty -and I use that word with heartfelt intent based only on things that I saw and heard you do during the times you were here at family gatherings and occasionally at your home. I can only imagine what else happened in privacy].
HOW LONG AGO did you say to him that you wanted to get back together - I am not sure that you can count the time when he thought what you were saying was "you didn't want to lose the HOUSE which was his original read on your reconciliation focus NOT him."
HOW LONG have you been willing to admit your issues and look at ways to deal with them??? actually been participating in counselling - which he has been very cooperative in helping you access [and he requested you go for with or without him for HOW LONG before you left actually I believe he had stopped mentioning it before you left because, as he told me, it made you so angry - YOU WERE NOT CRAZY and by the way still are not.] You haven't even made it through the first session and you want him to make commitments now.
HOW LONG have you honored/kept the promise to deal with your issues and talk to him about your progress BUT not about the RELATIONSHIP???? You want his answers/promise/commitment now but have not made or lived up to any of your own. HE doubts that you can [commitment being one if what he sees as your biggest issues] and everytime you do this you prove to him tht he is right in distancing himself and then you blame him for holding out on you. ****ON the commitment issue, I think that you often found it hard to make commitments cause subconsciously you weren't convinced that you woud be here to fulfill them due to your issues with your health and fear of dying or being incompasitated - so there was no point or your didn't really commit because you didn't think it would have to be for long anyway -same reason****
Think about this one .... A goes over to Dana's house because there is a showing and she is there for him letting he and the kids use her space. He voluntarily tells you that nothing changed during his vacation with her which would mean that they are emotional friends and you demonstrate that you are not there for him but for you because you push him again about the relationship. if he is making comparisons between you - Dana goes away on a holiday with him for financial and emotional support and in spite of what she may want doesn't push him for more [ast least not sucessfully if he is to believed]. You have a very huge growth week and are proud of your accomplishments, have some great things for him to read on your thread or just to tell him about and then you push the relationship. Why couldn't you tell him about the running and the medical strength and how you didn't succumb to the usual panic or let it incompacitate you???? that is what he is waiting to hear. How will he know how you are growing - take these opportunities to tell him.
- You have made great strides this last little while and made some great plans. YOU have to walk that talk now and show yourself that you mean it.
Anyway, I love you with all my heart. I am sorry that your father offended Aaron. He was just feeling indignant and protective of you.Take care.
Mom
Erin,
I was going to attach this quote to the bottom of the last e-mail but by the time I went away and didn't immediately find my purse, went to the bathroom, walked past the computer again, I forgot that thst was what I was going to do. I have now remembered
Here goes....
Happiness cannot be travelled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.
Happiness is not having what you want, but, wanting what you have.
Mom
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
Wow, you have a great mom. She has given you some great input and feedback. I was touched by how much she cares for you and wants to help and be there for you. Does she need a son?
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I tried to find you b/c I've been concerned about you. Thamks for finding me and letting me know where you were. It broke my heart to hear that you have lost your job on top of all the other mess that has happen to you. As far as what your W said:
Quote:
My wife said "Don't say that, the year isn't over yet". What does that mean? Does she mean I'll find another job and everything will be fine? Does she mean that 2007 isn't over yet, it could get better, ie: Us getting back together?
Don't put anything into that. (In other words, don't get your hopes up that she is telling you that she wants to get back together with you right now.) She was just trying to make you feel better and was in shock over the news you had given her. She was grabbing for something to encourage you. You have brought up about how things happen, good or bad, by "years" and I think she was just trying to let you know that things can turn around for the good before this year is over and not to think the rest of 2007 is going to be "crappy" based on what all has happened so far.
In her defense, I think she handled it (according to what you posted) rather well and tried to respond to your news as a true friend. I think that is a very good sign, but sweetie, like I said....don't read anymore into that than what it is.
You are not wallowing in self-pity and you are taking steps in finding another job. I see you as a real man that will do what he knows he has to do and not let this get the best of him. You are talented and smart and you will find something that is right for you. Just stay charged up and positive...especially when you go for interviews....don't let them see anything but a strong self assured man that can do the job for them. That is a tall order knowing just a little bit of what has happened in your life lately, but I have no doubt you can do it. The reason I say that is b/c you are not a self-centered person. You care....no....you love your family and you will do whatever you have to do for them.
That leads me to the subject of your son. God, that breaks my heart b/c it does seem he is acting out his frustrations, hurt, anger......all of it. Right now, he is your top priority! Of course, you have to get a job too, but as far as your personal objectives......he's it! This could set him off in a wrong direction with the wrong crowd....all kinds of stuff that I know you have already thought about and it just makes you feel more guilty for me to bring this up. You know that is not why I say any of this. You need to spend every bit of available time you can get with your son. He needs you so much right now. He needs to be assured that he is not going to loose you in his life, regardless of what happens in the M. I would not discuss finances or your worries with him. I don't think you do, but sometimes parents tell kids too much thinking they are being "honest" with them and the thing is that most kids can't handle the "adult" problems. He may seem to be mature for his age....and he probably is, but he is still a child and must be given comfort and assurance that he will be taken care of and even if the house he knows as "home" is exchanged for another one.....it will be okay. Don't pretend to be too upbeat b/c he will see through that....but just don't act scared or worried around him. You are a good dad! You will do what you need to do for your son.
If you and your W can talk together about something to give him a feeling of security during this time.....that would be great. That is what he needs right now, IMO, a sence of security. It has been a bad year for him too. I don't mean to imply that he is given "false" hope that his family will get back together, but if you all could agree on some type of "family days" once in a while, for his sake....it sure would help his feelings. As long as you and the W can be nice to each other and come together as a team for him. You may want to talk to her and just see what she thinks. I'm sure she is concerned about his recent behavior changes at school. Nip it in the bud before it gets any further.....b/c it will very quickly.
You know I'm here for you. I don't know that I always have the best advice, but I sure will listen whenever you need to talk. Just don't give up, sweetie. I know you won't. Thanks for catching up with me to tell me what was going on. I have you on my watched list now. I thought I did before, but guess I messed up somehow. Anyway, I'll check in every day to see about you.
BTW, do you get to go see his games? Do you and W sit together or how do you handle that situation?
Take care.
Sandi
Last edited by sandi2; 09/29/0705:31 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I posted in a new forum "Walk Away Wives" entitled "Can't wait for 2008". Please take a look. BTW, I forgot to answer your last question about my sons games, I am the head coach, so although my W is there watching, I only talk to her for a few seconds. She called me today and as always was very pleasant, I just miss her, I miss asking her advice, she was always so reassuring when life happened! Please view my last post.
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
