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Does this mean anything to you corinda? It sounds like he is trying to punish you. I seriously think you need to detach much further. WHY are you letting him do his washing at your home? If he wants the single life let him sort his own laundry out. He is a big boy now!




"A man meets a woman in the course of his life, he spends time with the new adoring female who makes him feel very valued and desired. At first, he only lavishes in the attention and feels invigorated. With time, he begins to compare his feelings about the new admirer to those he has for his wife. If he decides to break-up his family and start a new life, he is likely to go through the following psychological stages. "

1. DEMONIZING THE MATE: The man is a decent person who is aware that his conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. He begins to feel great guilt- yet, he continues his relationship with the other woman. In order to reconcile the conflict between his view of himself as a moral being and his unacceptable conduct, he resorts to demonizing his wife as a justification for his behavior. He ascribes to his wife many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. She may be seen as an inept person, wife and mother or even evil.

2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, she has been so for the whole duration of the marriage. The husband re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he has endured. He may say, "I have been unhappy in this marriage for ages" or, "She has made every day of our married life a miserable day." It is clear that it is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The husband assumes no personal responsibility for his role in the so-called "long-term suffering." He seeks approval and support of others for having been a victim, which in his mind fully justifies his abandoning the family.

3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The man retells his newly developed view of his suffering often enough to believe that his wife deserves to be punished. She is the "offender" and his "persecutor" and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. He believes that his wife is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him, sometimes not even those allowed by law. "She received enough advantages by having been married to me, she is entitled to nothing else." In many cases, he may attempt to deprive his wife equal, fair or appropriate access to the children. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.

4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all his vengeance, the man still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends and curiously enough even his wife. He wants her to accept that she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he had no other choice but to act as he did. Sadly, he may impart this view upon the children who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt the man experiences about having left his family for another woman continues to plague him. For many, the strain within the original family leaves permanent emotional scars.

5. RESTORING BALANCE: The man expects the first wife to accept his new life and even be happy for him. He wants his wife to take the full blame for his need to escape the intolerable marriage. Therefore, she should also accept the "new reality" and make peace with his new girlfriend or wife. Since the first wife does not share any of his reconstructed views of their history, she is often unwilling to embrace his new life. With time, however, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other for the sake of their children. Few former mates accept the expanded family and may even become friendly again.

You really need to read that book Why men love bitches ... Phoning him to ask him to come over and do his laundry at yours is a perfect example of behaving like a doormat. He will never respect you if you behave like that.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. He has OW and you waiting on the side lines... he knows that. He is probably enjoying the attention of being fought over!

Gotta dash, be back later.

Nutty x

P.S. If you give him a date ultimatum he will call your bluff just like he did about moving out. Don't do it. I don't believe you would stick to it anyway.

Really detach, really move on, really GAL....maybe even meet someone...or at very least act mysterious. Bet that will get his attention.

Nutty x

Thank you Nutty Chick for showig me my own life. Now what would happen if we forwarded that to our Hs and the Ow? Would they even care? I have been through every single one of those stages! How to break the cycle. DR is not combatting it enough!

I have forwarded it on to my H. he will get it over the weekend as he is away at the moment. I will let you know how I get on. Nutty x

Hi NC

Thanks for your reply.

You asked does this mean anything to me yes it does, it is making me look like a fool – and it really seems like he is punishing me. But why bother, if he wants other OW why does he not just have her and move on and let me go, why should I be is fall back women. I believe in the beginning he wanted to save face and tell everyone it’s a “trial separation” which is really just so he does not look like a A hole, its out there now everyone knows so we no longer need to hide it. At one time he said to me what if I am wrong about leaving, well if he’s wrong he has to live with his error.

The whole time this has been going on he has not made any moves in my direction at all, yes that is because I have not backed off, but as I told him how do you fix something if you don’t work at it or don’t know if you want to work at it, what does he think he is just going to wake up one morning and think I may go back to W today.

What about what this is doing to me, I have questioned every part of myself and it made me feel so low that I thought I must be such a terrible person like he says. Which is BS, I am a wonderful person and might I say a great catch.

I just don’t want to play the game anymore, life is to short and I believe I can walk away from this with my head held high. I don’t believe any body is worth that much. We have no kids so we do not have to have any contact and I am young enough to move on and meet someone else. But by him fence sitting it is not letting me move on we need to cut all ties for me to do this, also if he does not want me, let him live with the consiquenses.

He has till end of October to at least try to meet me half way then I will re evaluate the situation otherwise I will stick by my plans and tell him in Dec that we need to sell up and move on in the new year, I have nothing really to loose, I will walk away financially secure and begin again.

I also agree with the washing thing but I am trying to be the bigger person and I feel really guilty when I act like a btich. Also I don’t really like the person he has become, if he can treat me with that much disrespect after 15 years he is not worth it.

I know I have come across really angry, part of me is and another part says this can not go on indefinitely and the more he treats me like [censored] the easier it will be to go and by then I will be a lot stronger and will not be sucked back in by any of his bs.

Maybe the M has really just run its course and both of us are hanging in out of fear of the unknown.

Anyways what is going on with you?

Corinda

Hi Corinda.

I can really feel your pain right now. You are such a lovely person you don't deserve this. It does sound like he is punishing you for all of his issues. You owe it to him not to let him do it. He is in a crazy place right now. (My H is probably in the next bed...) My H read the above guilt thing I posted and got back to me. He said he does feel guilty and admited to some of the above behaviours. We had a very good chat. He told me again how unloved he felt and wondered if I did love him why I did not put up a bigger fight for him. I told him that I was letting him go lovingly as I felt that is what he needed to do to be happy. I obviously was not making him happy and if she could then.... all of the pain was worth it. He is very confused right now. We talked of the past . . of good times. We also talked about divorce. I told him that he must do it if that is what he wants. He seems to know a lot about divorce . . but then OW has been divorced 3 times so he has an expert on side. ;o) A very mixed bag of stuff really. He peeped out from behind his rock and we had a good chat. It was good. It made me feel like I want to chat more . .but I am prepared for him to be hostile again tomorrow. That is what happened after the last time we chatted.

He said he has thought a lot and wondered if he had done the right thing. He said that thought would probably always haunt him.

He played down his R with OW. He said again that he hardly ever saw her and that there was not as much going on as I seemed to think.

And yet .... last week he told me he was happy ...

confused? join the club.

NC x

You are his security blanket I suppose....
I am just the same....




Yup, I have had that line too,



Trouble is Corina.. what you are doing isn't working. Why keep doing what isn't working???



Try a bit of mystery next time he comes over to do his laundry ...



Try the LRT or go totally dark. What have you got to lose?




It is Ok to be angry. You are hurt and being mistreated. You deserve better.



take care NC x

Thanks NC

I feel a lot better today – I just needed to get it all out.

I need to move forward but feel I am stuck, I know I am making myself stuck and that by me calling for divorce and selling house is only my need to cause him hurt. Is it really going to give me relief – temporarily yes – but not for long. But I feel while we are tied together financially I will never be totally free and to move on.

Also it feels like he just wants to pause the M and have a little fun then come back and pick up where we left off. But how do you pause a M you are either in or you are out.

Very very frustrating to be in this situation. I think the best thing is for me to go totally dark as you are right what I am doing is not working.

I guess he needs to do what he needs to do but him parading OW around he is just making a fool out of him self with our friends and family.

Another big issue for us is kids, we need to do IVF to have children and he has told me he will not go down that route again – so maybe he is doing me a favour and for me to move on and meet someone and have that family. But as I have learnt there are no guarantees in life. So I guess I need to start doing things for me and really figure out what I want – not sure on the family sometimes yes and at others it is not a massive yearning.

I just need to get through the grieving process which some days just hurts so badly, but I don’t know what hurts more my heart or my pride. But I just miss him so much at times.

I just want off this roller coaster, my counselor is wanting me to push him for a final decision in or out, sometimes this is what I want to get some closure but then what if I am wrong and he wants to come back and I am not sure, what if he says ok I want out and that is not what I really want.

I need more time myself but how do I stop the hurt. I can’t even have a conversation with him without getting all emotional. But I can also say that I have held my pride with everyone else as much as would have liked to let rip on her and him with everyone I have not done that – only my immediatle family have seen the real pain and even then they are amased how well I am doing. I wish there was a switch in my heart and head that I could just turn off. I know time is the only thing.

He sent this email to my SIL and kids 3 days ago - its like he is always sucking me in and not taking responsibility for what he is doing.

Yes, it is a difficult time for all of us but unfortunately life moves on and sometimes it is better to have a break and re-evaluate rather than try to push through in a difficult situation.
I hope that C and I will always be friends at the very least and I do hope I can still be part of your family as there is a lot of history that we have which I value.


Some things I am still working through

Why do I want to finalise everything – to hurt him or give me closure

Why can’t I move past the look what he has done to me stage

What is my fear – being alone and starting again

What do I want to be doing a 1 year from now or 5 from now

If we got back together why would it work 2nd time round.

Everyone is telling to move on sell up and get out and start again, and why would I want someone who has treated me like this and how could I forgive him

I have so many unanswered questions that I need to ask him but I guess there are some things I will never know

Why is he doing this - I would love him to share with me what he is thinking


I just want some peace from it all.

Thanks
C

Hi Corina.

WOW The IVF is a biggie. Could this be part of the marriage problem? I also needed help to conceive many years ago. Whilst going through treatment the first time H walked out and did not come back for 8 monthes or so, So I can empathise with the urgency you are feeling for wanting the R back sooner rather than later and cutting out any games.

I don't think I ever truely forgave my H for that.

How old are you?


I wouldn't push him for a decision though ... I doubt you will get the one you want if you push him.

NC x

back later - I am stressed he is late bringing my son home. I have a horrible feeling he has taken him to meet OW!

Hi Corina.

WOW The IVF is a biggie. Could this be part of the marriage problem? I also needed help to conceive many years ago. Whilst going through treatment the first time H walked out and did not come back for 8 monthes or so, So I can empathise with the urgency you are feeling for wanting the R back sooner rather than later and cutting out any games.

I don't think I ever truely forgave my H for that.

How old are you?


I wouldn't push him for a decision though ... I doubt you will get the one you want if you push him.

NC x

back later - I am stressed he is late bringing my son home. I have a horrible feeling he has taken him to meet OW!