Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Sort of is the answer on the housing front. Very conflicted in my head about this move and talked thru it yesterday w/ C. I am going to write out my thoughts on this concept and maybe email or give it to W. It will be completely nuetral.
As usual, I am taking the advice of an expert. I had a lawyer once tell me I was his toughest client in 20+ yrs of practice (no it was not Nomo!) because I critiqued every word of his letters and tried to act like a lawyer and that I was too anal. Not sure if that was a compliment or not! So he said, stop trying to do EVERYTHING and start taking advice of experts!!! Anyway, the expert, C in this case said my W sounded like someone who needed to process info and may do it better when she can sit and read it, re-read it etc. (this is what she did to me when telling me about the S, she handed me a note). I think she is right, which is why I am going to write it down.
In a nutshell, this may be a way to get her to move off center in that I will be talking about living arrangements in a very non-threatening way i.e. that my current arrangements are unacceptable to me and maybe at the same time ask if she would be open to going to see my C or a nuetral one again, specifying that any meeting can be the last.
Also, she beat me up for me getting upset w/ my W the night she came home from her night out and pouty CVA did not like the way she stood there waiting for me to leave. All after she called me that morning to clear her going out that night even though she did not have to. I took it like a man and said "thanks for pointing that out C!"
What do you guys/girls think?
Signed Always open to suggestion and a little naughty talk!
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
The C's advice sounds really good. I know when I talk to rational H I can get flustered, can't gather my thoughts, feel like a moron, etc. I appreciate his emails, which give me time to respond. I bet your W will, too.
What do you mean by "get her to move off center"?
Good for you for taking C's comments like a man! Now you just have to do that with W...
I've been thinking about the space issue (since H is talking move out), and wondering how much time you spend at the house. H wonders if I wish he weren't there sometimes (which I do). Do you think W feels like she's getting the space she wants? Just a thought.
I think that is great advice from the C, especially since it seems like your W is comfortable with that method of communication. Just try and make sure the letter is as friendly as possible - try to stay away from words like you mentioned above "unacceptable" - it sounds like the nanny on that nanny 911 show!
Nobody wants to see pouty CVA - especially your W. But you can't be expected to be running around acting as if everything is great all the time either. Just try and make the most out of the interactions that you have with her. I think you wrote something about the PJ's earlier on another post? Still getting the backrubs? If so, it can't be all that bad...
As usual, I am taking the advice of an expert. I had a lawyer once tell me I was his toughest client in 20+ yrs of practice (no it was not Nomo!) because I critiqued every word of his letters and tried to act like a lawyer and that I was too anal. Not sure if that was a compliment or not! So he said, stop trying to do EVERYTHING and start taking advice of experts!!! Anyway, the expert, C in this case said my W sounded like someone who needed to process info and may do it better when she can sit and read it, re-read it etc. (this is what she did to me when telling me about the S, she handed me a note). I think she is right, which is why I am going to write it down.
C
I think this is great advice. Write it all down. How you feel that your current living arrangement is unaccetable and cannot continue as is. You need to take the next step if this is going to continue. You would like to have a place you can call your own. Not spending time at "her" house feeling like a guest and sleeping in your "room" of an apartment. If this situatin is going to remain stagnant then you would like to set up a true home for yourself and the children elsewhere. Bottom line, either you move back to your "house" with wife and kids, or you move to a larger place where you and the kids can begin to adjust to a true separation since it does not look like a reconcile is in the making. I would offer a compromise of continuing the current arrangement if she was willing to work on the M and go to MC with you. If not then you need to start looking out for yourself and move on with plans for a new place. Like I have said before, she is getting all the perks of being "separated" but still has you at the house doing all the "heavy lifting and helping with the kids...just long enough to shoo you out the door at the end of the night. Its not fair to you, not fair to the kids and certainly isn't allowing her the time and space she needs to realistically deal with the sitch.
Just my nickels worth... I would also suggest having any financial plans already thought out in case you get the dreaded, can we afford this conversation.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Just wanted to add - if at all possible, try to let it come across as if you are giving her options and allowing her to have the decision making power. As you have expressed more than once, you seem to have the control/power/career/money which she does not. Let her have a chance to know that you can take a step back and maybe not be so overpowering (or anal as you phrased it).
Just at Target, nothin, nada, no boob shirts or low cut jeans with thongs peekin out...what's wrong with this world!
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
