OK. So, while I know I've got the ability to be calm and reserved during the conversation, how do I cope right now?
I'm pretty much spending most of my time right now thinking about my situation - either voluntarily or not. That she probably IS done with me, but still torturing myself with hope. I keep spinning through reasons why she left (even ones that're highly unlikely/personally degrading), things she might be doing (finding a boyfriend already/wanting a fast divorce so she _can_, other stuff that's rather out of character), and other crap.
I know it's not helping my stress level to keep thinking about this stuff, even when I know that I've got alot to own about this situation, so how do I stop driving myself totally crazy?
You stop. You stay busy doing things you enjoy, you go out with friends, you go for a run, you go to the gym, you do whatever you need to do.
When your mind starts going to all these negative places---where she is, what she's doing, etc---ask yourself, "Is this something I can do anything about?" If it's not---and not one thing she's doing/thinking/feeling/planning is---stop. Take your brain in your hands and turn it somewhere else, manual change of topic. You'll get better with practice, and you'll feel muuuuuuuch better when you're not dwelling on things you can't control. Take control of those things you can control: you.
And give yourself a break! It's only been two weeks, and you're probably still dipping into panic mode. That's natural. Remind yourself that it's not over, you won't be divorced tomorrow, and that it'll get better. It really does, by the way!
You have a lot to think about---your role in the problems, etc---but you can't obsess about it. You're doing really well, so be patient with yourself.
As soon as I get some free time (and it's not raining while I have that free time) I plan on a long bike-ride. And maybe tonight I'll go out w/ friends (I don't work tomorrow, so no worries about being up early).
My room-mates have been supportive, which is nice - and since they're friends, I don't have to go too far to not be alone. (Of course I plan to see other friends, too, but the desire to socialize is just coming back).
As for giving myself a break: You're right. It only has been 2 weeks, and I still am sorta dipping into "panic mode". I am trying to keep in mind it'll get better, too. heh. I just want to get through tonight and make it through "THE TALK". I think I'll be more at ease after that, one way or another.
Deep breathing seems to help, when I get to stressed.
OK, I'm sorry to double-post, and I know that the following puts me in the bastard-snooping light, and I know it's not helpful to trying to move forward. I feel dirty for this, but: I just checked her e-mail (yes, I know the password).
She inquired about a condo/townhouse/home to buy today at about 2:00pm CST (got a reply, too). My friend told me she'd considered a house, but I didn't think it'd be this soon! Ack! PLUS, one of the things that same friend said that W had complained about was I was "unwilling to change", and one of the two examples she gave of that was that I didn't want to buy a house (not right now, we're strapped as it is!).
Not helpful to me, I know, but it makes things look dimmer! (that, and she's already taken the bed she bought, which meant I had to replace it with my old pre-moved-in-together bed, and she wants to sell the car we just bought in May ASAP.)
I know, stay calm, and all that. But she seems really f***ing certain about this, and we haven't even talked! It's getting tough to keep hope up! @_@
I guess it at least keeps me from too much false hope. *shrug* Not that I've given up hope completely, mind you. (Ah, emotions are a fun thing when life's at huge changing point! @_@ )
I think it's bad because you can't do anything about what you find. Confronting her about it will make you look bad (i.e. untrustworthy) and will only make her angry and push her away. Also, it gives your PMA a huge hit and makes you less determined to do the needed work to win your S back, as well as makes you less likely to follow the strategies and techniques outlined in DR.
Do be embarrassed, but know that you're not alone. Many people here have done the same thing, and almost always admit when they do. Admitting this is a GOOD thing, MN Man, and resolving to not do it in the future is an even BETTER thing. Can you do that?
I'm fairly sure I can manage that - especially because fo the reasons you outlined (which I've been thinking of myself, most notably the "hit to the PMA"/determination to do the DB'ing I wanna do).
At least I'll have _some_ answers tomorrow night, eh?
Well, "The Conversation" is going to happen today.
I'm re-re-re-reading all the helpful advice in this thread, some parts of Divorce Remedy that I've found helpful, and spending alot of time just "focusing"/meditating on not getting too keyed up.
I've also cleaned up the apartment quite a bit, so it doesn't look like I've fallen into squallor since she left. We used to get busy, and cleaning would slip, but I've been trying to keep on top of the place looking neat, partially so I don't go nuts with boredom.
heh. It's also in my plan to look really good when she comes - not "sunday best" but be dressed in one of my favorite "day off, looking good" sets of clothes. After all, appearing physcially attractive as well as being emotionally so can't hurt, can it?
(Of course I plan to see other friends, too, but the desire to socialize is just coming back).