Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Lets try thing again!!!!

Thanks for dropping by! I decided it was time to move! as now I feel that we truly are peiceing!

Our weekend went well, had out post session on Saturday...it was good, I always look forward to going it just seems to strength our resolve for the upcoming week!
We went to church as a family yesterday, which is somthing we have never done, through my weekend I seemed to have rediscovered my faith, so am trying to keep supporting that, I don't think we will ever be an every Sunday family, but I am going to try and go more often! My H isn't catholic, but he is also going to come to, so I am proud of him for doing that!
He is working today with the ow, but it doesn't seem to have bothered me to much, I do get some little heart flutters, but nothing like I use to!
So here we are again the start of another week, lets hope it continues as it has been!

Hi Limbo,

Glad to hear things are still going well. You really do gain strength as you go to the sessions, don't you? Whenever I felt weak, I liked going back and looking at the notebooks too. I found that very reassuring.

That is a good idea to go back and read them, I can see how that would be really reasuring!

Did you go to the core group aswell?

We went to CORE one time. It wasn't very well attended, and we only knew one other couple there. It didn't work as well for us as the post sessions. I would go again, but it was very far from home, and we have been feeling so strong lately. If I felt we needed sustenance, I would go there.

So H and I had some issue's last night...we both realized we didn't handle it well.
H was telling me about all this extra work he has coming up, which will require him to work later and some weekends. He then asked me how I felt about it...so I told him it terrifys me, he got really angry and really could understand why, because we are doing so well. So he then went up into the shower to sulk and then laid on the bed.
So I went to talk to him, and he said he is disappointed because he thought we were further then this.
I explained to him that all the feeling don't just go away after the retro weekend, yes they are better and I am dealing with things way better, but there was alot of damage done and thoughts scars will take some time to really fade away. I also told him that I was disappointed, because I had expected to be treated better then this, that all the steps we have made, don't count for much when it comes to difficult things, we just go back to normal in handling things!
He later came out and apologized and realized he didn't handle it well, and I admitted I did to, but I also said that trust is going to take time, that I had trusted him in the past, and each time was devasted to find out it had been broken, so this time around I am just alittle bit more caustious.
He said he understood that...but I have to wonder if he really does, does he really get the level of pain that I felt during this past year, all the really, really hurtful things he said to me, and did to me...does he really get the pain this caused.
Sometimes I really wonder.

I got my H to read the section on infidelity in DR. It really helped him see it from my perspective and realise that it would take a while. Even so my H had to work away for a while due to commitments that already existed. The A had been happening when he was doing this work away so it drove me nuts - even tho I knew that OW no longer worked for him. Even him being with people who had known about the A, (but didn't know me), really cut me up. I wanted him away from anyone who had in any way 'condoned' what he had done.

When he was away I got in a bad state and we would have the most awfull arguments. After a few months he managed to arrange it so someone else could cover. I guess what I am saying is that my H thought that because the A was over it would be Ok him working late and away. A few times of seeing the way it nade me feel and he realised that for the moment he would have to alter his working schedule.

Saffie

Limbo,

That's why it's hard coming home from Retrouvaille, because you are back in your world with all it's problems. I wanted to stay in that safe place forever.

But look at how you handled the problem last night. You both talked openly and honestly and with understanding. How would the same discussion have gone before Retrouvaille? This is a big problem, it would have been nice if it could have waited at least until you finished all the post sessions. But the truth is this is what you and H have to deal with in your lives. You need to work together to overcome it. I would suggest trying a small piece of it to dialogue on tonight. The most important thing is to keep the discussion going.

Saffie, Sara thanks for the response!!

I know that the way it was handle was better then before the retro weekend, I had hoped that H had a better understanding of how I felt after being at the weekend and hearing the presenting couples stories.
Maybe it will just take time.
During the beginning stage of h affair, he had sort of the same thing happen, said he was working on a project, where he was in meetings all day, so couldn't be reached, and was working late, in the wee hours of the morning, however h swears that was work, and he never lied about about where he was...he said I was always able to reach him by phone, which I did, but his cell phone...so that didn't really mean much!
We did handle it better, and was fine with each other for the rest of the night.

You are so right - they really don't get (or don't want to admit) how much they hurt us. Hang in there you are doing awesome and you inspire me to continue onward!!

HB

I think they need to feel safe and secure in order to be able to admit how much they have hurt us. Lets not forget they must have talked themselves into thinking we didn't care much in order to have been able to have the A in the first place. It does take time and I have found it gets easier with time.

Saffie