I don't understand the relevance of Single Again posting Dutchman's last post to you - only because I don't think you are ready to learn from it. Single wants to help you. If you look at the time he has been registered, and the number of posts he makes, he obviously discriminates about who he posts to. You are lucky that he is posting to you - I just don't know how receptive you are to his advice at the moment.
Saffie, I am at a loss as to what it will take to inspire this guy. I was cryptic with the post. We are failing to stimulate thought in Going. I posted the Dutchman because I wanted Going to get a glimpse of a man that had his back up against the wall. A true view of despair. It takes a few reads for it to sink in. I can't read it without crying. Those final words from the Dutchman changed me. I felt ashamed at the time when I read them. I decided I was no longer a victim that day. Even though things hadn't gone my way I still have it pretty damn good.
Saffie, We all fall apart at some point. At the time I probably perceived the emotional pain and panic as Going is. I quickly dismissed certain "options". Looking back now I can't register the pain. I am more emotionally aware having gone through a lot of personal growth. Here is the weird cosmic joke, I am thankful for that opportunity to evolve which would not have happened without a divorce.
Single - I don't think that is a joke - I actually perceive it as a positive thing. When my H told me about his A I did try to end it and I could see no good at all in what was happening. It was so stupid. Now I can see that my H and I would not have rekindled our love like this unless that had happened. He had tried talking to me about how he felt about our M on previous occasions ,but that hadn't been enough. I got shocked into taking action on our M. The suicide thing though hindered the recovery of the R and it damaged my children and really hurt so badly my parents. Other people's situations didn't affect how I felt tho. I didn't care if my grass was greener and more healthy than someone else's. WHATEVER. At the time I was quite happy to put weedkiller on it if I thought it would make me happier. Happier in that context meant stop my head hurting and spinning. It was only when I saw the hurt that I caused everyone that I saw the light. God forbid that one of my kids tries the same thing - I would always think they did it because I tried it. How could I live with that on my conscience. I have to make sure they see what a complete crackpot thing it was I did. It was graphic and involved knives - how fcuking stupid was that.
I so badly want to help GISH like you do.
I just think that at the moment, based on my own experiences, that being told 'look this guy had it really bad - you don't - wake up', might not work. Eventually he'll get to the 'I want my balls back', 'I'm a man' bit. At the moment he needs to take baby steps to get there.
Somehow we have to make him believe in himself and his own worth.
I truly appreciate what you are doing - even if perhaps GISH can't at the moment.
I wish I could shake your hand. The roads we tread are hard at times, but there is a reason and they ARE worth it. That post by Dutchman made me cry too - GISH has to learn how to smile - for his son's sake if not his own. He has done enough crying for now. Time to roll up his sleeves and work.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Our communicatiion skills were terrible and that set off a string of affairs early in our marriage. I was the guilty party. I saw how bad I hurt her and will never let that happen in any relationship I am involved in.
I can’t stress this enough to everyone that an affair is NOT your fault. Do you have faults sure? Let me give you an example say I’m overweight would it give you the right to laugh at me and call me a whale, cow or whatever derogatory term? No, clearly a person who hurts another is responsible for THEIR actions. YOU, YOU are responsible only for YOUR actions – how you interact with your wife and others is up to you. So time to get with it.
Many people get caught in the “marriage trap”. What I mean by that is they watch movies, TV, books and get the impression life is like a romance novel. It’s not! That’s why emotionally immature people get involved in affairs because they fall into this trap. Sounds to me like your wife didn’t take a realistic view on life. Believe you me this is WAY TOO COMMON. It sounds to me like you’re on your way up just keep swinging for the fences bud. Try hard as you can to separate yourself from HER affair and focus on YOUR life. No one is attracted to someone who’s own life is in shambles. Get ready cause the road may be tough and less traveled but I know you have it in ya. Ya with me?
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
Saffie Hi. I want to thank everyone on here. I'm trying my best to take everyone's advice and I do realize that Dutchman had it much worse and it's heartbreaking. I realize everyone on this board has gone through this and I know I'm not the only one but no matter how much I try my mind and emotions always come back to this tortue I am living. It may seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself but I'm not, it's the opposite because sometimes I don't feel like I deserve happiness because I've pushed my wife away. I don't know why but I can't deal with her wanting to be with someone else because I'd sacrfice my own life to save her without even thinking about it. I'm 44 years old and I always felt my life was set and I knew what I was doing for the rest of my life. I'm a simple man and all I wanted is to share my life with my wife and to grow old together. I was content and happy with my life and thought my wife would be there by myside. So now I feel broken and my life torn apart. She is part of me and I want no one else. My own grandmother who live until she was 90 was widowed at 40 and never remarried because of her bond with my grandfather. I tell you that because I know people say this will heal with time and maybe it does with certain people but everyone is different and not everyone heals.
There are different ways to heal. You should talk to Husband who posts on this board. He lost a leg in a car accident years ago. How do you heal from that?
First of all, no one knows where this is going yet. You don't know how long this affair will last. The majority don't last that long. Have you confronted her and told her how you feel about this? If so, what did she say? Has she said she wants a divorce? Has she filed for a divorce? Just because someone has started an affair doesn't necessarily mean the marriage is over. If that were true, I'd be alone now, and I'm not. My husband and I are happier together now than we were a year ago. Because we went to a program called Retrouvaille and learned how to heal our marriage. Maybe you could do that too.
Look at their website, http://www.helpourmarriage.com and see when they have a weekend near you. See if your wife will go with you. If she will, you will be on the road to healing your marriage and making it better than it was before. Give it a try. Let me know what happens.
