Divorcebusting.com  |  Contact      
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 16 1 2 3 4 5 15 16
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 385
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 385
Azhira,

I've just found this piece of advice on teh veterans boards and thought of you:

I've found that there will be positive forward movement and then they will retreat for a period of time. I think this is normal because they think if things get too comfortable the R will fall back into the old, negative patterns. Expect this dance and just enjoy the positive interactions and don't dwell on the withdrawal or negative aspects.

Live your own life

XD


P/A confirmed 5/03/08

03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage

T: 13
M: 8
D:20 & 17 from Previous M
S: 8 & 4
BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY
S: 13/10/07
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
A
azhira Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
Quote:
there will be positive forward movement and then they will retreat for a period of time


That's always a good reminder. ;\) I was thinking about that the other day...but it's always good to hear it, you know?

Quote:
He is there NOW.


Excellent advice.

I also realized I had been holding onto some resentment over the miscarriage I had. (Before I conceived DS.) Basically, I already knew I was miscarrying, but was feeling worried about the blood loss and that I felt dizzy and weak, so I went to the hospital. Anyway, xh was simply horrid, and while I was waiting on one test result or another...I actually told him to leave, and that I would call when he could come pick me up. I know he was hurt in his own way, and just not handling it well. But I couldn't deal with his juvenile behavior at that point.

Oh, no, he didn't tell me. lol It's not likely for awhile. His need to divulge things usually coincides with when he's getting closer...and he's pulled back just a tad the last couple of days. (Admittedly, I have played a part in this.) It doesn't really bother me that much, anyway, right now. I have some ideas. ;\)

JD is a mess. She's married, but her husband is abusive. (Controlling, and definitely verbally. We suspect it's physical as well, just given this. He's an addict, prone to temper tantrums.) They can't even really hang out alone, except at the gym. But they text and chat on MySpace all the time. I took a peak at the MySpace messages once...no thank you, I felt ill. I'm quite certain my desire to do that was just some subconscious need to justify picking a fight so I could pull back. While I hadn't seen 'proof' before that, so to speak, it wasn't anything I didn't already know.

Aaaanyway. I suspect she will disappear from his radar, eventually. His 'bad friend choices' usually do, sooner or later. Every once in awhile, he'll tell me that I "shouldn't worry about her", and that he's "confused" and "doesn't know what it is". So, whatever. I'm the one he's calling ten times a day, I'm the one he's still playing relationship with, and I'm the one he already has a kid with. (Trying to cheer myself up a bit. ;\) ) I don't feel betrayed or anything. We are legally divorced. Just...sort of hurt.

Whatever.


Azhira

my confusion
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
A
azhira Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
Other random thoughts...

He's been incredibly helpful/supportive the last week or so. And more affectionate. I think I scored major brownie points in the AOS department (a biggie for him) when I helped him move a couple of weeks ago. I didn't even do it because I was trying to get anything...just because that's what you do for family. I suppose that's the best reason. Giving just because you want to, no expectations.

The other thing it could be, is that I'm making more of an effort to not push him away myself. So I've just plain been more pleasant to be around. ;\)

I've been working on being more social. I usually try to find some excuse or another as to why I 'can't' do something. Well, I'm trying to get rid of those!! Today I had planned to go to the gym at lunch, but could just as easily go after work. A chance came up to go with coworkers. Normally, I would have found an excuse to not go... So I made sure I went. ;\) (Now, I need to make sure that I actually do go the gym after work.) I am also going to try to go out with D and her coworkers on this Saturday.

Yesterday I went digging through my old threads under my old user name. I just wanted to see if any of the people I remembered from years ago were still here. (None of them, apparently.) Anyway, I started reading through them...

It was probably not a good idea. It really creeped me out that, 3.5 years later, I am basically writing the same story, working on the same issues with myself. Except that I'm a lot less optimistic and a lot more bitter now.

And, as weird as it may sound, one of the things I keep going back to is that I want us together so I can have more time with my baby. What a weird reason, I guess. 'Compatibility' is clearly not our problem. We have tons of fun together. I just don't want to play 'divorced family'. It sucks. And we had the most amicable divorce I've ever heard of.


Azhira

my confusion
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 385
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 385
Maybe divorce was not the not right thing?

Can you not talk to H about resentment? I resented my H when he didn't support me during and after my pregnancy. But I have had to let go of that because I can't change it. We reacted at the time, rightly or wrongly, blame hormones.

Keep up with the gym and lunch time walking, the endorphins will make you feel positive.

I can relate to trying to find other things to do other than be sociable but in the end I think it comes down to been needed by H's and mine certainly would rather I was out than in with him.

Maybe if you let your defenses down and let H nearer you may have a pleasant surprise? Still keeping expectations to 0 but hopes high?

H probably feels a bit 'obliged' if this ff is been beated up, men just don't like it.

XD


P/A confirmed 5/03/08

03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage

T: 13
M: 8
D:20 & 17 from Previous M
S: 8 & 4
BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY
S: 13/10/07
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
A
azhira Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
Well, the thing is, xh is always playing rescuer...often to the detriment of our M in the past. (Well, when there was one.) At first I was like, ok, he's just helping a friend. But he has this need to do it with new friends, or wants to seek out and make friends with all of these 'women in need'. He has a history of dating them afterwards, and then getting irritated because they're needy and insecure. It drives me crazy. A childhood friend or a relative in need...those are things I understand. But, more often than not, these are women he's 'picking up' via chance encounters or from a single conversation. (I'm sure it's about making himself feel strong in comparison...)

He literally jumped on a plane and flew across the country right before Thanksgiving a couple of years ago because one of his coworkers 'needed' him. Again...not a long-term friend or anything. We had plans for me to cook at his family's house, and he completely disregarded that to go flying off to help her. His response was the holiday 'wasn't important to him', so it didn't matter what I thought. Do they talk now? No.

And, he gets more emotionally 'hooked' than just a concerned friend. The few pieces I've snooped or encountered between xh and JD are ILY's and other such nonsense.

More often than not, six months or so down the road, he's not even talking to these people anymore. Like I said, it's not a long-term, deep friendship where the crisis is immediate and usually short-term. It's like he's looking for the drama.

Okay...rant over... \:\)

Quote:
Maybe if you let your defenses down and let H nearer you may have a pleasant surprise? Still keeping expectations to 0 but hopes high?


I think I've been doing better at this. Yesterday I was pretty weepy (monthly hormone fairy), and he proceeded to call me several random times during the day to cheer me up. \:\) It was very sweet. I made sure to thank him.

Quote:
Can you not talk to H about resentment?


I don't think I do a very good job of it. I suspect I come across as angry and accusatory, so I tend to kick it around in my head until I can find an appropriate time and way to say it.

I think the biggest thing for me isn't just that he was emotionally unavailable during my pregnancy. I actually kind of figured he would be...he doesn't always handle medical stuff so well. It's that he left the marriage completely and proceeded to hang around some little self-centered 21-year-old all the time.

Quote:
But I have had to let go of that because I can't change it. We reacted at the time, rightly or wrongly, blame hormones.


I know this. I really do. \:\) But it's good to be reminded of it.


Azhira

my confusion
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
A
azhira Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
So, xh and I have been spending the last several nights at my place. It's been nice. The baby and I spent so much time with him (helping him pack, helping him move, helping him unpack...) I feel like I haven't been home much.

Other positives: xh has been saying 'we' more. Instead of just "Where are you and the baby sleeping tonight?", now it's "What are we eating for dinner? Where are we sleeping?" I think next round of groceries, I'm going to try and get more meals that are compatible for both of us. (Not an easy thing.) But I will ask for his input.

JD did come up again this morning. He brought her up, not me. (I promise!) He mentioned she wanted to buy the cake for the baby's birthday. I was surprised, but whatever. I figured her controlling husband wouldn't let her go, let alone let her buy the cake. Ooookay. Anyway, I said I didn't want JD's husband there. (Druggie with a temper issue around my kid? No way.) Yes, I am okay with her coming to the party. (Really.)

xh said he wouldn't let her hubby come, and he probably wouldn't anyway, since he (xh) would be there. I said he may be a controlling jerk, but I doubt he's dumb. (This is where I probably took the conversation too far.) xh looked at me funny. I told him that he was essentially the OM. He got really irritated, and changed the subject. (Which was fine by me.)

Plus: I didn't bring up JD. Possible negative: I did point his inappropriate relationship with a married woman.

The thing is...I'm afraid I was too understanding over the last several years. I've been trying to maintain being honest with him on how I see the situation. But without pushing or bringing up the subject. I don't think I did anything wrong with pointing out something he really already knows.

Anyway...so then I hadn't heard from him all day. I called earlier, got his VM. I left him a (genuinely) friendly message thanking him for the cheering up yesterday.

I drug myself to the gym. Didn't want to go, but I'm trying to stick to routine. Workout was okay, I suppose. Towards the end, I wondered why he hadn't called me at all today. We usually chat at least a couple of times during the day. I was feeling a little paranoid that he was mad at me for the earlier statement about JD, so I decided to give him a call.

He answered, sounded fine. I told him I was just calling to say hi. He said he was busy with school work, and would call me later. If he hadn't sounded fine, I would have just asked him. But, no need. He was just busy, after all. \:\)

Other observations...

I convince myself I'm feeling more ambivalent about him when I've been upset by something. I suppose it's a self-defense thing. Whatever the reason, it's counter-productive, and I need to watch that.

xh has been showing me more of his stuff lately. Drawings for school, projects around his apartment, etc. I am interested, but I think my interest may not be coming across clearly enough at times.

I still expect him to get mad about silly little things that used to anger him. Last night, he called me when I was in the process of putting the baby to bed. He asked if I wanted to go the grocery store with him. I said it depended what time. In the past, although he'd never admit it, I always felt like he was upset with me if I didn't go along with whatever script he had in his head at the time--like I didn't really love him if I didn't do xyz. Anyway, I asked him if he was mad at me. (Although I was more concerned about the baby's bed time.) He said no, and was offended. He said "I'm different now. I don't get mad like I used to." I told him I wasn't trying to sound accusatory. Subject was dropped shortly after that, no hard feelings on either side.


Azhira

my confusion
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
A
azhira Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
Weird night.

xh got extremely triggered. It's been a few months since I've seen him so worked up--which, actually, is progress for him.

I was asleep in bed with the baby when he came in. I had been helping xh with his paper, but needed to put the baby to bed. Not unusual, I had fallen asleep in the process.

He leans over me, said something I don't remember. Then he asked if we could go back to my place to sleep--said it was only midnight. I reached out, and could feel the tension in his shoulders.

I was confused, but asked him why. He said he was feeling jumpy. I asked him if he knew why. He said no. I asked him if he was sure, since he usually feels better in his own 'territory'. He just insisted we go to my place for the rest of the night. (This is one of the huge reasons I prefer us having separate places!)

So we went back to my apartment. (It's literally five minutes away.) He asked on the walk in if I was mad. I said no. He said it must take a lot of patience. I said that I was just a patient person. We went in, and I just went back to sleep.

xh was still jumpy this morning. He said he only slept a couple of hours. He also said he usually feels better when he can sleep--the problem is going to sleep once he's in that state. I told him that would be a good time to use medication, if he was still considering it.

He joked we should have sex to calm him down. I was confused...asked him didn't that usually make it worse? He laughed, said it did. I try to not take those back-and-forth sex conversations too hard. I'm sure the internal struggle is actually much worse for him.

This morning on the drive to work I sent him a text with a bunch of smileys, and said that it was my turn to cheer him up. If he had gone back to sleep, I didn't want to wake him.

Other miscellaneous thoughts from the last day...

I think I've been holding onto more resentment that I realized. \:\/ I keep catching myself while listening to the radio thinking "Gee, my xh would never do that for me." Which isn't entirely fair. He can be very, very supportive and helpful. (When he's not got the crazy switch flipped.)

I also feel strangely embarrassed that I'm still attached and still even interested in him. I keep thinking he's going to 'get it', and then I think he has...and then a year or two later, we're in an even deeper hole. Which makes me think it's one of two things. One, I'm still playing the same part and haven't learned. (Which seems to be partially true, after peeking at my old threads.) Two, he's never going to get it, and we'll just keep going this.

Which I don't entirely believe. This last go-round, he wasn't spitting hateful bile my direction. Actually, I was the one spitting venom. (Hey, never cross a pregnant lady...)

The other thing that's bothering me. xh wants to have his big party for the baby. I don't. I just wanted a nice quiet day, maybe do something fun with the kiddo. He has already invited a bunch of people. I am concerned it will be overwhelming for the baby. In addition, I feel like it's xh's party, not a party for the baby. I am afraid this will turn into a silly power struggle, which I don't want. I told him once I feel extremely uncomfortable, and thought about not going, because is seems like his party instead of the baby's. He got mad, and said something like "You don't even want to go to your son's first birthday part?"

Ugh. I don't want to make it about me and my discomfort, but I'm not sure how to handle it. My closest friend here, D, can't get the day off of work. He told me I could invite people, but I'm just feeling incredibly out of my element and uncomfortable with the whole thing. I have this annoying fear--despite what he says--that I somehow come across as the crazy.

I know, I know, it would be my chance to shine, and blah blah blah. And maybe I could handle it if I knew anyone who he has already invited. Or there weren't so many. But I'm feeling very, very overwhelmed at the prospect of it all.


Azhira

my confusion
azhira #1225680 10/09/07 03:46 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
A
azhira Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
After dropping the baby off at daycare yesterday...I managed to get into a wreck.

Not a little fender-bender. Both vehicles were totaled.

My super large, very safe, full-size (think utility company sized) van was knocked onto the other side of the road, turned almost completely the wrong way into oncoming traffic.

I was fine. My head hit pretty well on the side of the van, and I'm very sore today. But I climbed out of the van okay, and didn't go to the doctor.

The other driver's car was much worse off. She was in a smaller, luxury car. I'm not sure what happened to her--she was taken to the hospital on stretcher.

So, now I have no vehicle. The accident was most likely my fault; but I'm really confused on how all that damage happened unless she was going pretty fast. I may have injured someone else. And I have no idea what exactly happened or how.

I mean, I recall most of it pretty well. I'm just having trouble making sense of it.

I'm working from home today. I really just want to stay inside my house. Which is really not like me. I'm afraid of being in a car. And I'm just feeling this vague sense of anxiety.

While I know it's all a normal reaction, and I know why I'm feeling this way, I still feel crappy. Sooner or later, I'll drag myself outside. But mostly, I just want to sit and hide right now.


Azhira

my confusion
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
A
azhira Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
While I'm feeling better, I'm still feeling very jittery. I wish I didn't even have to get in a car, but I did earlier. Mostly I just stayed inside my home today. I didn't even feel like hanging out by the pool...something I would normally do on a nice, sunny day.

xh is letting me drive his car tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the long run, but I'm trying to take this one step at a time. Tomorrow I have a vehicle. I may rent one for a couple of weeks, but I don't get paid until Monday. And I don't have any credit cards.

I actually did manage to drive for a few minutes this evening. Just taking the car from xh's apartment to mine. All of five minutes, but I was in tears by the time I got home. Great. I kept seeing a black car in the corner of my eye...

I'm not sure how I'll handle rush hour traffic tomorrow. It's not an easy drive to work. I'm dreading it. I know I'll be fine...I know it'll pass...but I'm still pretty worked up.

And I'm incredibly sensitive. I'm wound so tight, anything xh says I'm taking extremely personally. I feel so very, very defensive right now.

I still don't know what happened to the other driver.


Azhira

my confusion
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
A
azhira Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 429
Drove to work today. I did okay in the traffic...I found the stop-and-go strangely reassuring. When I got to daycare, I was much more jittery, since that's where the accident occurred. I had to tell my story several times...which was probably a bad idea...since I was shaking by the time I got to work. Broke down and cried for a few minutes in the parking garage. And I'm still shaking some now. I can't believe how badly this has me freaked out.


Azhira

my confusion
Page 3 of 16 1 2 3 4 5 15 16

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. 1996-2025. All rights reserved.
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5