Need some advice on how to approach a very sensitive topic – that I am not dangerous to my wife’s sexual health.
I have lived apart from the W for 1.5 months and one reason given was lack of passion in bed. The R had been rocky before she dropped the bomb, but before this we still made love weekly or better usually at my initiation. She would go off with oral stimulation only, but seemed to enjoy intercourse with more thrusting while in the missionary position, so I would oblige. She just didn’t get very hot but wouldn’t give me direction, instead expected me to guess from her responses to what I did. I admit that I should have read up on while I was still in the house, but seems like she gave up long ago.
After she dropped the bomb, it was a few months living together with little sex. The last time is the problem. This is one big reason for the breakup and has been said in so many words. It was my chance to show her that I still loved her. After an extra long oral episode with success, the thrusting missionary ensued. No fireworks for her as usual, but she enjoyed the hard and fast like old times. Problem was that the next morning, she had symptoms of a yet another UTI. Pain got excruciating so doctor was consulted who called it “vaginal trauma” and I am now blamed for being dangerous to her in bed. There was no problem the entire evening after the interlude, but since she is a WAW, the past has been rewritten in this department. Not that it makes much difference now because we are separated, but if my DB efforts work, this issue will have to be addressed.
How can I sensitively address this topic? Is there are credence to overthrusting as being dangerous? She wasn’t stumbling in pain afterwards or anything, at least until the next day. Any suggestions on reassuring her that I won’t be dangerous to her in bed? Can I get a passionate/sensitivity certificate to show her that this won’t happen again? I can find nothing on the net about “vaginal trauma” so maybe this is her excuse for her unhappiness with my not instilling sufficient passion. It’s a very touchy topic. How to employ DB principals? I’ve ordered books on reviving passion.
I think the fact that you're separated is probably the biggest issue to deal with right now. The term vaginal trauma sound pretty harsh and if she was not sexually stimulated enough the vagainas not going to be very receptive to hard thrusts.
It sounds like the sex you both had was the cause of the UTI given that you're the guy you look bad. I think the sex is the least of your worries right now.
To me it sounds like you were trying to prove your love through getting her off, tell me if I'm wrong.
If you were not concerned about getting her off what kind of sex would you have had?
Honestly the whole situation sounds very strange I don't quite get it, I would put sex to the side right now, work on reconciliation first.
Intercourse can trigger UTI's. They don't call it honeymoon cystitis for nothing!!!!!
Is it your FAULT not really. I sadly am one of those that does get UTI infections at least twice a year and position can affect whether it triggers it or not.
Lubrication is a big factor as is friction so hard thrusts can irritate the urethra but going for a pee immediately before and after intercourse can help prevent an infection starting.
Sounds like your problems are about more than just this one issue.
It is common for women to get UTI's after intercourse, especially if they do not urinate when sex is over.
I also have a short vaginal canal, and my cervix will often bleed (not a lot but it does) if intercourse is to... agressive? But... I do like it that way.
Vaginal trauma? Well... yeah... but that doesn't mean you did it to her with malice. She participated, and she encouraged you, yes? She is also responsible for telling you if it is too much.
You can also do different sexual positions that would give her more feeling but with less thrust...
But like Martelo says, I don't think the act of having sex and orgasm is the issue.
Ditto, what was said here. I also will bleed occasionally and I used to have a lot of trouble with recurrent UTI's when I was young. After all of that I did have an LD period because I was just tired of hurting all the time. That being said I also enjoy agressive sex but making sure of lubrication and arousal is very important. You don't state your ages but if your W is over 35 there may be some hormonal changes that are part of it too. Sounds like you and she need a frank discussion on this topic and some others. What factors contributed to the separation and how are those being adressed?
Ditto, what was said here. I also will bleed occasionally and I used to have a lot of trouble with recurrent UTI's when I was young. After all of that I did have an LD period because I was just tired of hurting all the time. That being said I also enjoy agressive sex but making sure of lubrication and arousal is very important. You don't state your ages but if your W is over 35 there may be some hormonal changes that are part of it too. Sounds like you and she need a frank discussion on this topic and some others. What factors contributed to the separation and how are those being adressed?
Yes, I admit the separation is the biggest issue here. But she says the sex issue is a big part of the separation, although not just the LAST EPISODE, but it keeps coming up, and I need some education, thus the post. I had always aimed to please and she was always frustrated with failure to come vaginally, claiming I didn't get her going; wasn't sensitive enough; kissing, etc. So the "vaginal trauma" reasoning I suspect is a red herring to the other sex issues. And her UTI's weren't that frequent, nothing extraordinary (1 or 2 times a year). So the proper DB routine here is to ADMIT guilt, show that I doing the 180's to be more sensitive, read up on how to get in touch with that side of me, etc.
The UTI isn't the big issue here, but of course I am "dangerous" to her. The proper DB ettiquette is to always be super clean, encourage before and after pees, and admit guilt. This is only part of the dynamic of course . . .
Good points, thanks. My biggest and defenseless position is that I DID IT TO HER, despite her positive response during the LAST EVENT. If I can get back into the house the lovemaking issue will immediately come up and I will need to be able to address this issue with respect, sensitivity and knowledge. Problem is right now is that she isn't taking responsibility, or at least the condemnation far exceeds the acknowledgement of participation.
I must find a DB answer to address this, especially the "vaginal trauma" issue because she was in so much pain and she "won't ever let that happen again". It's a deal breaker, I tell ya'. I anticipate having to deal with this fairly soon. Maybe talking to a gynecologist or other medical doctor or therapist can arm me with information. Then talking to her with respect, showing her how I am working on being sensitive, less aggressive in getting her to participate (differing sex drives, and she often obliged, but grew tired of the constant requests). Gotta find a way to light her fire as Dr. Ellen says. Another Db'er recommended this tape series. I'll check it out.
Karen, our separation is wrapped up in being too aggressive, i.e. not sensitive to her needs culminating in disrespectful episodes to each other. She'd be passive aggressive whereas I would push. the dynamic mirrored in the bedroom. My 180 is to lay off and learn to be sweet as apple pie for the rest of my life. It was only stressful times where we would get into spats. I did not know how unhappy she was, then bingo the ax dropped. I am working to get back into communication, then try to get back in the house, then the sex issue . . . but I know it will come up as soon as I get back in the house. -- CanChange
