Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

Dave, I'm sorry. She has stacked the cards against you. But it sounds like you really held your own in the conversation. I hope you will get follow-through from her. I would say go ahead and get the registration info from Retrouvaille and be ready to send it in. Talk to them about the time frame. I wish you luck. I agree with you that she is unfair. But she controls everything, so who can you appeal to?

To add even more confusion, when I left tonight I just gave her a passionate kiss and she returned it. Normally she only allows me to give her a quick kiss. Whatever that means.....

Dave, the first thing you must do is stay positive and GAL!!! If she has suffered from depression and if your family is child centered than these can contribute to her detachment. She may resent you as a scapegoat, but these are also her issues. She may feel she has lost her attraction but believe me, as soon as someone else shows interest so will she! She is in a vulnerable place so do not push her away or towards divorce. This is not about pride. It takes os much humility to DB but it also takes confidence that you will be happy no matter what.

Kissing is good. Staying in the house is ideal. Put your marriage first and the kids second. Read everything you can on the passionate marriage and lighting your fire. Thi sounds hard to believe but do not take that attraction stuff personally. We can all talk ourselves back into falling in love. It is a choice and action. It is not cosmic or even that romantic. It is really just in our heads.

*sigh* I think it's pretty much over. Even though she's reading the book it probably doesn't mean much. She's dead set on wanting a divorce and is convinced she is done and closed the chapter. She isn't willing to try anything. She is done.

Well, the W was very adamant about being done and wants a D. She says she just couldn't do it. Can't let go of the hurt and resentment from the past and thinks she'll never be able to let go to be in a relationship with me. Talked to her quite a bit on the phone. Getting no where. Went over to the house and talked to her a bit more. I don't know.... She said she'll really think about going to Retrouvaille tonight. I really hope she would be willing to be open about it and go there. Does anyone have experience of S going to Retrouvaille leaning towards or wanting divorce and has change of mind afterward? Need some major hope right now....

Dave,

I am not optimistic that your wife will agree to Retrouvaille. If she does agree, then I think you have a pretty good chance, maybe even 50/50 that she would give the marriage another chance.

I see your wife as the type who will go through divorce, struggle with single motherhood, and then, only then, realize that she had it better with you than without you. There does not seem to be telling her anything. She has to experience it. If you are really patient, I think she may come back. But it is going to be a long winding road til then. Get the best deal you can on visitation with the children, and remain the steadfast one in the family. Your wife needs an anchor to keep her from flying off in different directions. Unfortunately, she's flown off in the divorce direction now.

Well, so far she's pretty adamant that she's done. However, she seems to be leaning toward Retrouvaille. In the worst case we learn to communicate better and that can't hurt going down the road. I guess she's willing to go with an open mind but not willing heart. She's still reading the book and I'm not sure if it will sway her a bit or not. I will find out tomorrow what she has decided. I'm praying for a miracle if she does decide for Retrouvaille.

Call me nice, naive, dumb, or whatever but I will take care of her even if she wants to end things. I'm doing it for the kids. I want them to have a stable home that they are ok in. I will probably agree with a legal separation instead of of divorce for the time being just to keep her on the medical insurance and we don't have to mess with dividing stuff up. With all the problems she really needs to be on the med ins. I will give her about 2 years until my D is in school and the W go back to work. Of course she wants to start dating and etc when we are legally separated. I guess if it's meant to be she'll come back to me. If not...I guess she'll always be the mother of my children. I am willing to wait on her for a bit. She can't have any more kids. So whoever gets involved with her will have to be happy with just my kids.... Not sure how willing are people to get involved with single mothers except to just get in their pants. I'm still hoping that she would be willing to give a little time and see if her heart will soften a bit and not insist on a legal S. Yes her IC told her to stop leaving me in limbo if she's so determined. But to me I feel like with some time maybe there might be a chance that heart may soften. I'm not in a hurry to be anywhere else....

As for the kids she wants shared custody. I can have them half the time. Ironic as it may she wants the best for the kids even if we are not together. Too bad she thinks they will be perfectly fine with a divorce if we still act as a close family. I sure wish she thinks the best for the kids is not breaking the family. She is very determined that it's the best for her to not be with me. And that God has given her guidance that she needs to start new. It really sucks that she won't give me another chance to redeem myself. I'm a good person and a good father. I just made some mistakes and messed up and took way too long to realize it. Maybe if I'd just agree to go to MC when she was asking it'd been different. I don't know.... If I knew about Retrouvaille back then instead of insisting to work through the Gottman book it may be different. We got through couple chapters and then she refused because I wasn't wanting to go see a MC. $#@@!#$@# John Gottman! *sigh*

so...W has agreed to go to Retrouvaille. Unfortunately her heart is closed. I think she wants to go to improve our communications for the kids. Hope by some miracle it will change her mind. But I very much doubt that when someone's heart is that closed. I pray to God that he does performs a miracle. Of course you never know how God makes things work out... Sara, what do you think?

She wants to really work on our friendship, which isn't a bad thing. Maybe eventually later on she'll open up.... At least the "I need space" ban has been lifted. I can see the kids more when I want and can contact her whenever I want. I've agreed to a legal separation instead of divorce until our D is in school (couple years). That way she can be on my medical insurance and I can provide for her until she gets a full time job. We both want our daughter be able to spend time with their mother and not have to stay at a daycare. We will share custody of the kids. I can have them whenever I want according to her. Of course she wants to be able to date other people during that time. I guess it's not much different than a divorce except in legal terms.

Not that it matters but the MIL is on my side. She's definitely not happy with W's decisions. I will continue to talk to her whether the W and I are divorced or not.

Guess I will look to Nugget for inspiration and guidance since now I will be in similar sitch as he is.... *sigh* and here I thought things were slowly progressing positively and all of a sudden everything changed....

Also, I took my ring off today and gave it to her. I told her that when she wants me back she can give that back to me. Until then she can keep it safe. Boy was that the most painful thing I ever did. I just wanted to crawl into a corner and cry and cry.

I think God is watching over Retrouvaille.