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lwb, I am thinking of you tonight. hope you are doing okay. (((HUGS)))

LWB,

Happy Birthday. Hope it is a wonderful one. How are you doing this weekend?

Wow your husband just seems so angry right now. I went back and reread all your posts. When did you notice things start to go bad in the marriage was just curious. Also why was he umemployed for so long? Three years just seems like a long time. Also is he angry about the hours you work? Has he ever mentioned wanting you to try and find something else that wouldn't have as many crazy hours? I guess in reading it sounds like the two fo you don;t really have a lot of time together. I know to for a guy in a way it had to be demeaning to not be supporting his family for all those years. But on the other hand that is a loooong time to be out of work. Just trying to help uoi work through things.

I know my husband isn't much of a talker. I have had to go through all the reasoning in my own mind.

nocode, thank you!!!

Sara, Umm, oops, the earring in question was NOT *the* earring. lmfao!! Oh well. And yes, he remembers its my birthday, bought my favorite food for dinner tonight, and the girls mentioned the mall when he had them today, and he never goes to the mall.

neph, yes, I can at least hope he would help the girls celebrate my birthday. They would celebrate the mailman's birthday if it meant singing and cake.

andy, there have been times in the past that I have subtly chosen H over my family. No more. There shouldn't have to be any choosing.

SueS, H spent the night at his dad's last night. I asked him what time he wanted me to bring him the girls tomorrow morning (no pursuing, like "Are you coming home?", but I had to know if I needed to get up any earlier) and he said, "Let's play it by ear". I'd bet my next paycheck he'll be home tonight. Not because he loves me but out of convenience. I don't know if I will be able to do this one night gone, next night home thing.

hi morgan, just posted on your thread. I have been thinking about you today.

trying, boy oh boy you asked some good questions. You have pegged our problems (before OW) without really even knowing me. WOW!! Let me try to answer them.



I noticed it this winter. He was growing short with me, going out more, and all around more bad moods. He rarely talks about his feelings. Honestly, I didn't think he was as unhappy as he claims he was (he is good for rewriting history), or of course I would have tried something then.



He had a back injury that required surgery, then got laid off after that. He searched and searched. He doesn't have a 'profession' per say, so finding something was hard for him. He wouldn't take 'any' job, and eventually stopped trying.



Not angry per say, but now I am hearing that I chose work over him, that I love my job TOO much. I started taking on more hours because of money, he supported me by saying how proud he was of me for doing this. Also, took over the house completely so I didn't have to do anything but be with the girls when I was actually home. Its really not fair because he was thinking one thing (she is working too much and neglecting me), but saying other things ("We're fine, the girls are great, I am proud of you for your hard work").



I have been trying to get 'normal' hours at my job for 2 years. I will retire from the job I am in, but am trying for better hours. We worked opposite shift for years, and it was great for the kids (no day care), but obviously wasn't good for us. Not a lot of time together. We actually took opposite roles up, him the 'unhappy sah' with no life, and me, working too much and not enough energy for him at home. And yes yes yes to the breadwinner thing, I know this is a total issue for him. He was out of work for way too long (he is working now) and spent most of it unhappy. Until he took over my place in our playgroup and then met OW. We both let things slip, he didn't speak up when he got really unhappy, and I ignored it at times and tried to escape instead of dealing with it. I would push him out the door to go out so I could sleep and not feel bad about it. Looking back, I made big mistakes by putting him last and I totally regret it.

Thanks trying, for taking so much time to read my situation.

Journaling:

Feeling awful today. Worse tonight, but nights are always bad when you have a cold. Debating on calling in sick tomorrow, but am going to try to go in.

H didn't come home last night. We agreed I would have the kids until about 2pm, then he'll have them til I come home around 6pm to put them to bed. He was calling at 9am this morning "What are you doing? Where are you going?". I told him we were just leaving for the zoo and he sounded sad. I did NOT invite him. He came home when he found out we were gone and cleaned up the house, did laundry and ran. We got home a bit early (HOT!), and were all in the house at the same time. The girls were happy, H seemed nervous, and I was all relaxed.

Then I got dressed, kissed the girls and did my thing. I wanted to crawl into bed with this cold, but didn't. They went grocery shopping and came home. H brought dinner home from one of my favorite places, and we all ate together. I was all cool and focused on the kiddos.

His brother called and he had to go jump his car. I am sure he is going out after that. I didn't want to pursue him by asking if he was staying at his dad's tonight so I asked "What time do you want me to bring the kids to you" or something to that affect. He said "Let's play it by ear". I think he is coming home tonight out of convenience.

Question: As a DBer, am I supposed to let him come and go as he pleases? Meaning one night at his dad's, one here, etc? I should be acting polite, loving, but not question what he is doing the next night as long as he keeps me reasonably informed for the kids care? Right?

Hi LWB! Thanks for stopping by my thread! I appreciate the well wishes...I'm thinking about what you posted to me...hmm...nice insight.

In regard to your question: As I udnerstand it, I think it depends what "phase" you are in. Are you supposed to be dark? If yes, then you are just supposed to talk about the kids and be loving polite etc. I think though him coming and going and you not letting you know is really disrespectful. If he wants to come and go as he pleases, then he can do that elsewhere. If he wants to sleep at home then he behaves as the husband he is. Are you ok with him bouncing in and out of home? If not, he needs to know that and I think you need to set the boundaries that you are comfortable with.

I've caught up on your thread - yikes. You've had a tough time lately and being sick doesnt help! But your head is the right place. Keep up the good work!

I hope you are having a happy birthday!

em

I don't know what phase we are in. I definately don't feel a last resort anything is needed right now, but you are right. I need to do some thinking as to how *I* feel about him coming and going. When we first talked about him moving to his dad's, he promised to keep me posted about when this would happen. He did this, as promised, and gave me 100% decision making on when the kids saw who, let me decide my plans, then worked around them.

I guess I am confused since I have given him the 'I am letting you go free' speech, should I be ok with him going where he needs to go to feel comfortable, and not smothered. If he is just going to his dad's (and not with friends or OW), then I guess the space is good for him. I just don't know what to think.

I think we all have a tendency, in situations like these, to put our feelings on the back burner. We think, well, I'll give him space (even if I don't feel right doing that), I'll let him come and go as he pleases (even if I don't like that), I'll not tell him what I want (even if what he's doing is hurting me)... we all do it. For me, I believed it was helping the situation.

Just because you gave him the "free" speech doesn't mean that you can't express how you feel about what he is doing. If want to know what his plans are just say "you are free to come and go as you please, but I would feel more comfortable if you gave me an idea of when you will be here and won't. You are still able to make any choice you want, I have no control over your actions, I would just feel better if I knew what your plans are." It will help if you really got a handle on how you felt - that way you could determine some boundaries...

And give the children the idea that the adults know what's going on. It's not a hotel, it's a home.

LWB,
Ediemarie makes a very good point about where you are in the relationship. I'd also add that you need to consider the tension level in the household, and how well you are able to DB under the conditions. For example, if the coming and going upsets and angers you DBing might be more difficult. So having him spend more time at his father's house may be better. I know for me, there was a huge amount of tension in my house just before the separation. Also, we both seemed to have difficulty with the other staying out late. That was my first time actually "going out" and staying out late (sometimes just forcing myself to stay out late to prove I could do the same thing). It was kind of interesting how my husband had a difficult time with me doing something he had often done throughout the marriage. He would go out with buddies from work or other friends. But when I finally did the same (because he was leaving) he had a difficult time with this. I think it was because I never hung out with girlfriends at night, or stayed out late before (other than PTA or other "married women" stuff). Heck, before all this happened I had never been in a bar before!!!! So I made some huge 180s!

If I were you, I would take advantage of the times he is there by going out and doing other things. If he stays at your house, you go out and stay out late. If he asks where you went say, "Oh, just out with friends...." and leave it at that. Even if all you did was go out to Barnes and Nobles by yourself or hang out at a coffee shop with a good book!

By the way, all space is good for him regardless of where he goes. Even if it's with OW. "Losing" his family and the daily contact will become excruciating. Some of things I did was pack up things my husband might need. In addition I put lots of photos of the kids, and him with the kids. Also, I snuck in a framed wedding photo too!

Keep in mind, when he's gone you can do lots of great family things with the kids. Things that he won't be part of because of the separation. Take lots of photos, put them up around the house, give him one to keep at dad's house. He will miss not being part of these fun family events.

I think ediemarie's advice is perfection! However, you have to be comfortable. This is a difficult time. Take care of you and the kids while you adjust. Take advantage of this time and space to get that much needed rest and regroup.

(((HUGS)))

ediemarie and root have given you good advice, in fact, I have none better to add. just wanted to say hi and that I am thinking of you.