Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #7

you are right, S_O_T_S, I guess I'm withdrawing, not detaching. I'm just tired of hurting, I guess. will check out the link, thanks for it.

am going to try to make it friday night, will depend on h's schedule. looking forward to meeing you!

well, he finally remembered wicked. just got his e-mail:


Did you use the Wicked tickets? I don’t care I just hate to think they went to waste. I hope this doesn’t fall under the personal question rule since I paid for them.


not sure if that's a little slam about him paying for them. when he bought them last fall, he told me they were for my birthday (in april). and when I brought them up in june, he didn't seem to care about them at all. ahh, well, that shipped has sailed. great show! want to go again.

(((HUGS))) Morgan. Sound like you are having a rough couple of days. I'm confused about your H's motivs too. He seems to be all over the place. It's hard to tell if he's trying to re-connect or just messing eith your head, as he puts it. I think he is confused. He really doesn't know what to do, but right now he gets both. If he was really sure and done. I think he would have filed when the bonus came. Instead he had a breakdown. I'm sure there's pressure from OW too. Just hang in there.

SOTS made some really good points re: detach vs. withdrawal.

Maybe the friendship aspect is what he really values with you. Maybe that's what he needs. If you can detach (not let him get to you) without withdrawing, maybe you can both get your needs met.

Just a thought.

Morgan--
If you figure out a way to be friends, please share it. I can't see myself doing that right now, but I have read of others who did, and it is easier to get back to a possibility...(not a guarantee).

donna, I don't expect us to be friends. I've never been able to be friends with an ex-boyfriend, I can't imagine being friends with an ex-husband when the stakes are so much higher. what I do need, however, is for us to be civil/considerate/decent to each other, since we do have kids that will link us for life. I never want to be those people whose kids have to choose between for life's events, or who have drama linked to them being in the same room together.

do I expect H to not bring OW to D3's dance recital next spring? I hope he is considerate enough not to, even if by that time the kids know her. But the following spring? well, by then, I guess, I'll hopefully be better about it.

its funny, I have one friend who's parents divorced when he was a teen. they are still very good friends, just didn't do well being married to each other. they went to each others weddings to different people...even danced together at their respective weddings. do I expect H and I to ever be that couple? hell no.

I miss him so much as a friend. I miss him as a husband, but I miss the best friend in him, too. I miss the humor we shared. I miss the things we had in common. I miss him. but I know, for now, and for the forseeable future, I can't be friends with him. I'm going to try to figure out the detached/not withdrawn thing, not sure if its possible for me at this point.

Just for the record. My parents D when I was 9. It was an ugly battle. For years they couldn't even get through a convo on the phone. Now they can hang out. My dad has even stayed with her while he is in town from time to time. They are "friends".

I have been able to become friends with S9's dad as well. He is married now with a 9 month old daughter. It just takes time. Lots of time and lots of determination that it is the best thing for the kids. It feels better for the parents too.

hi morgan, such a long day. And to start out with a headache, I feel for you.

I am glad you didn't send an email. He knows what you wanted to tell him. But I know the feeling of wanting to say it again. I don't think the Wicked email was a dig (about personal questions). Did you answer him?

I feel everything you have written in the last day. Sorry I can't be more full of advice, I am reading the advice others gave you for some insight. Have a great night.

thanks, neph. maybe time will change that. maybe, if we do divorce, we will be friends as time goes on. I don't know. guess I'm not supposed to right now.

lwb, you are sweet to trek over here to my thread when you aren't feeling well. yeah, I did write h back. the back and forth was short on both of our ends:

Me: yes, I went. I took g. I figured that was okay since you told me you didn't care about them when I asked back in june.

H: It is fine. I hope you guys had fun.

Me: thanks. it was a really good show.

such a stilted, impersonal exchange. but I guess that's what I asked for, and what I need right now. He doesn't seem put out that I went. I did give out more info than needed (that g was the one I took) but I did that on purpose...he thinks I'm seeing someone and I don't want him to think I took some other guy to a show that he bought tix to. I know it probably doesn't matter, but to me it does. yeah, me thinking too much about him. need to stop that. yeah, I know I say that a lot.

he called tonight to say hi to the kids and I was busy and they were running around and it was pretty chaotic around here. I did tell him a bit about S5's homework...he didn't realize S was getting homework, it really just started, but a new world for us. we were finishing it up and having fun with it. so I talked to him for a few minutes, but only about the kids.

I miss him.

not being terribly productive tonight. should be reading one of the many books I have sitting here. instead I've got The War on, but am not even paying attention to that. just kind of wandering around the house.

I think the information you gave was totally fine. I don't think you should be mysterious to the point that he might think you are seeing someone. 1) he couldn't care, which would suck 2) he could care, and turn it around on you, and detach from you further. Neither of those are good things. So, you were to the point. And I am glad you are giving him teeny bits of personal information, might help him a bit. If it didn't bother you to tell him that, that's good. Maybe you could share a teeny bit...

PS: I miss H too tonight. SIGH.