Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #7

LMFAO about the A/C and H admitting "My bad".

Sorry about the big bill, but better to have it serviced now than when its 20 degrees outside!

Let me know how tonight goes, his mood, everything.

And yeah to the day after the DB meet. Make him wonder!

why why why why why freaking why???

h came over to see the kids and I took off to the gym for some cardio. was good...although, bummer, cute running guy wasn't there. lol. I got home and the kids were still up, so I jumped in the shower quickly and helped H put them to bed.

after they were down, he started in on me. not yelling, just asking what was wrong. I guess I look preoccupied. I told him I just have a lot on my mind, but didn't want to elaborate. he asked why, I told him because it had nothing to do with him. if it did, I would talk to him about it. he couldn't believe that something in my life, apparently, had nothing to do with him. he kept pushing, I held firm. I didn't even realize I looked annoyed tonight...although I was fast getting annoyed because he wouldn't let it go.

he kept belittling me, saying why can't you just have a normal conversation, that he didn't understand why. I told him I was very clear on the fact that he didn't understand why I couldn't with him. more stuff was said, most of it the same stuff over and over again.

he can't understand why I can't just tell him what's on my mind, what's wrong with me that I can't just have a conversation with him like anyone else can have. I took a breath and said straight out, "because you aren't just anyone. you are my husband. and you have left me for another woman. and I am alone now, and I have no one to take care of me. I have to take care of myself. I have to protect myself. and in spite of everything I still love you, and I have to learn to not love you anymore. I can't open up to you, because every time I open up to you, it keeps me close to you, it keeps me attached to you. even if its stuff that really doesn't matter, it still keeps me attached. and I need to take care of myself. my personal life needs to stay personal." (oh, he did ask about the 14th, btw. I said nothing, just asked if it was a problem, and then went off about him asking was a normal conversation).

he then went on to say that the stuff that happened last week (when he was crying and such) must have been hard for me, keeping me attached to him and such. of course it was, dimwit. I did not say that, wanted to. I just looked at him. because really, everything keeps me attached to him. if he is here, if we talk on the phone, it all keeps me attached to him. its only when he isn't here, when he isn't around or I'm not on the phone with him that I can detach and gal and all that stuff.

he just doesn't get it. he doesn't get how freaking hard this is. he says its hard for him, but he doesn't get just how hard it is for me.

finally he left and I'm sitting here crying. well, I suppose that's better than hating myself for sleeping with him, right?

eta, the huge proud I have is that I stayed calm during all of this. very calm. no hysterics, no yelling, nothing, just calm. I had one moment where I started to tear up, but I checked it.

{{{Morgan}}}
You have every right to be proud of how you handled that. You sounded so strong! I know how hard that must have been for you. And that is coming from the Queen of Attached.

You asked why...because they know us so well. Because they spent so many years with us. Even if most of them has moved on, they are still getting used to the new dynamic, too. And you did what was best--you gave him the 180. He does not get to have you open up anymore, not your brain, not your body. You have set healthy boundaries, and he will respect you more because of that.

Morgan, because of your strength and heart, you will get what you deserve in life--either a renewed M with H, or peace and happiness in your own right.

I am quickly getting to the point that I am happy that my H did not relent and come back while I was so desperate--who knows what I would have sacrificed of myself.

I know it is small consolation, but Morgan, you are an inspiration...

donna, thanks for that. thank you.

its funny, S5 just got up to go potty real quick and said, mommy, I want to show you something. he pointed out the moon to me from our center upstairs window. its big and beautiful and full right now. he was in awe. said he wished we could go outside for a minute to see it, never guessing that I would say, okay, buddy, lets go.

I took him outside and we sat on our porch steps just looking up at the moon. off to the left I pointed out the first star to him and he gasped. I asked him if he knew how to wish on a star, and he didn't (we used to but its been a long time). together we said, "starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight..." and i told him to make a wish, but keep it secret or it wouldn't come true. I wished, too. and for the first time, i didnt' wish for H to come back. I won't tell you what i wished for (I want it to come true, after all!), but the fact that H wasn't my wish is pretty big for me.

it was a really special moment with my son. I'm glad he woke up...we sat for a few more minutes and talked and snuggled. now he's off to bed and I'm just kind of sitting here....sitting here with lots on my mind. but at least I'm not crying anymore.

Is that all he said? I am sorry but you poured your beautiful heart out to him, all fresh from the shower, no less, and he said nothing. Well, at least he has to mull over it tonight. geez. What is it going to take to get through his thick skull that being in love with the mother of his children will make him the happiest man in the world and deserting the mother of his children is going to make him a sad, lonely old man someday?

OK, that speech. may I copy it because I am seeing my H in ten minutes and Heaven knows why I still love this leacherous creep. Sorry for the put down, I wish, I wish I could stay focused an positive like you.

Oh morgan. You handled yourself wonderfully. I am very proud of you. Why doesn't he understand this? I suppose its a bit of cake eating, he is getting what he *thinks* he wants (OW), but still wants you, the real you, the one that will talk with him, joke with him and support him. Doesn't work that way. I love what you said, and I might have to give that speech someday.

PS: I love what you did for your son. I have 'let up' a bit on things like that and my girls are pleasantly surprised. My friend's daughter died when she was 2 yrs old (choked to death at an in home daycare) and at her funeral, she made me promise to not sweat the small stuff, to let my kids stay up late if they want, eat brownies for breakfast sometimes, and to always indulge the requests that I can indulge, even if its a temporary inconvenience to me. I try to live like that. What a wonderful moment for you and your older son.

omg, mk, you made me laugh. I didn't know that was possible, but the leacherous creep comment just tickles me for some reason. who knows why we still love these men of ours. these men that were ours.

I am proud of how focused I stayed. I am. and how calm I stayed. one of my biggest issues was that I didn't know how to argue/fight. my parents never did. I mean NEVER. I have still never seen my parents fight/have an argument. Not healthy, btw. H comes from a much more volatile family...big, loud, in your face. they used to scare me, in fact, lol. when h and I used to argue, I would lose it, I couldn't keep my thought, I would get flustered, not know which way was up pretty much. you know the fight or flight instinct? I would flee from any confrontation if possible. I just couldn't deal. I would get anxious, to the point that my heart would feel like it was beating out of my chest and I'd break out in a sweat.

one of the biggest things therapy has done for me is change this. I don't get freaked out/anxious, I stay calm, I don't run or shut down, I hold my ground (mostly), I keep my thoughts on track. so even though this conversation left me crying, I am proud of it.

H did'nt really have anything to say after that speech. he doesn't get it...doesn't understand why I just can't open up to him. I don't even remember what was said when he left...he left not long after that speech.

don't you all wish you had this stuff on video tape sometimes, so you could play it back and see what you might be missing memory-wise, maybe learn from it, like sports teams do? I do.

good luck, mk. let me know how it goes. stay strong, will be thinking of you.

lwb, thanks. I'm so very sorry to hear about your friend's daughter. that is heartbreaking. I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff with my kids, easier to do w/o h here, actually. and it usually ends up rewarding me in some way or other...I get a special moment with them.

just re-read this and maybe its because my kids have been watching the wizard of oz for the first time, but I keep picturing dorothy and her friends getting their wishes from the wizard. wouldn't it be nice? if just having strength and heart would mean that we would get what we deserve in life? that we don't really need ruby slippers, its in us all along?

I suppose that is what db-ing is all about, really: helping us find out inner selves, our strength and such. and while we may not get what we think we want (our spouse), we will end up with something that is still our hearts desire.

That is pretty much it, isn't it...

I agree on not sweating the small stuff, too. We were running all evening, so it was McD's for dinner. There were trucks replacing the parking lot across the street, and S wanted to see them. I surprised him by saying "Sure!" We all got out and sat on the hood of the truck, while he explained all of the machines and what they did. It was only a few minutes. but it made him so happy.

My H had the same reaction to conflict--I am so glad to hear that you are finding it in you to stick it out!!