Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Is it time to cut him off?

It is OK if you feel the need to complain. It is hard when you reaaly just want true intimacy with someone you love. It feels alien to have to try when it was once so natural. I think you are doing great. IM and dinner sounds promising.

Updating/Journaling/Wearing Out *sigh*
He did stay over Sunday night and left his stuff here at the house with the intention to stay over last night. We had our individual (as opposed to group) salsa lesson last night and then went out to dinner afterwards.

I asked him if he had left his stuff at the house on purpose or if he had just run out of time before needing to leave for work.
H "I planned on staying over another night."
Me "cool"
H "Now, don't be getting crazy ideas."
[The tone of his voice really bugged me. It felt sort of like he was doing me some sort of favor.]
Me "'Crazy' ideas?! You mean like a husband living at home with his wife?" (I was extremely offended-in retrospect, probably not the best thing to say.)
H "Well, we're just dating right now."
So we go back and forth a tad and then he said something that prompted me to say:
Me "So, are we dating exclusively?"
H "So far, yeah."

"So far"????!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!! Talk about waiting for the other shoe to fall. He did volunteer that sex could be exclusive, but no guarantees on the dating. (that's why it's "so far".) It started getting a bit heated so the convo was tabled until we got home.

At home I suggested that maybe we were miscommunicating. He said that he is taking things day by day. That I better not pressure him or it will push him away. I said that I understood that he wasn't ready to come home and that was perfectly fine. However, if I was dating 'some guy' I would want to know that things were at least moving forward (to some degree), otherwise I don't need to waste my time. A whole bunch of stuff was said; nothing too new or interesting UNTIL:
H "I hate living in that apartment. I don't know what it's like to live here, without you and be independent. I don't know what it's like to be totally broken up with you. That's why I said you might have to buy a house in Small Town; it might come to that. I don't know." -side note- Last week I had said "You're not going to make me buy a house in Small Town, are you?" and he said "I don't know what's gonna happen.Maybe.Who knows." -end side note- He continued by saying that we just bought 8 weeks worth of dance classes, so we should just take those and have a good time and see what happens.

That's a nice thought (regarding the classes); however now I am feeling (again) that the other shoe is about to fall. AND-if he does come back, how will I know that it was for ME and not the house?? How will HE know that it was for me and not the house? Sounds like he won't know that. He also said something that made it sound like he doesn't think he'll last at the apartment more than a couple more months.

Now I am feeling like I *have* to move out and let him live in the house so that he can "be sure". But I have to be honest--if he brings another woman (romantically) into my house, I am going to be PEEissed!

I hate HATE HATE moving and do NOT want to move to an apartment (or rental house) knowing that I will have to move again in a short period of time. I would much rather buy a house and settle in; make it mine. But if he changes his mind, that is a VERY costly thing to reverse.

What's the solution???

ummm...why would you move out? not clear on that. to give him a clear picture about what life would be like for him in a home without you? that's bs. total bs. why would you need to leave your home for him to figure out wtf is up with him?

honestly I don't know what to say to you here. I feel like he is cake eating, and doing absolutely zero to figure out what it is he does want. am I wrong here? just feels like you are willing to do anything and everything. again, am i wrong? (I mean that, I'm not sure I'm reading this right). I'm just not sure what you aren't willing to put up with. it seems like he is just waiting for a better offer. that sounds awful, but it seems like that is even what he is telling you outright.

Hey Morgan-

I don't disagree at all with you. I am feeling the same way and wondering if I am crazy or an ingrate for not appreciating the crumbs I am being thrown. I don't want to move out-really. But I can see that it is turning into a thing where he will always have this "doubt" about his motivation for returning (if he does return) and that will get to be the "reason" for continual waffling in the future.

BTW- I saw what's happening in your sitch- I am SO sorry. I know you keep hearing it, but I'll say it anyway- I admire your strength.

Agent99 - I know I say this all the time but I just have to say it again.. I swear if I weren't typing this myself I'd think you were me.

While we were separated I was counting the days per week H stayed here, like it was some kind of score card... the more nights in a row, the better I thought things were going.

The tone of the voice, the almost taunting to see just how few scraps he can give you and you'll still be there. Sooo familiar to me.



This is tremendous pressure. Let's look at this another way - let's pretend you don't know H at all OTHER THAN the "dating" you've been doing so far. Would you suddenly come up to "some guy" and tell him "Look I know you're not ready to move in with me but I want to know things are moving forward, or I feel like I'm wasting my time." ??? I really doubt it.. if you did I bet you'd send him running. Instead you'd just take it as it comes and see if it FEELS like you are moving forward. If not, you'd probably break it off or give it more time. If so, well, you'd go with it, not talk about it all the time.



And I hate to say it but he's right... he's living a different life but not the fantasy one he had envisioned where you just disappeared and he got to see what life's like without you (but with everything else). Doesn't mean you have to move and let him try it out, but just some food for thought. I got the same story except in my case H needed an apartment or place of his own rather than just a "room in a house." I have a feeling it just snowballs.. if they have an apartment they need a house, if they have a rental house they need a better house, if they have a better house they need to try the one they just left, or something. Sometimes I think it's a ploy to get back into the house, but more often than not I think it's chasing the fantasy that if only XYZ happens they will be happy and life will be perfect.

I'm not sure at all what the solution is there.. but just wanted to share that. You are right, he's setting it up as the reason for continued waffling in the future, he'll always have that "out."

I wish I knew what the solution was... still working that part out myself.

The solution is for you to go out with someone else and make him see he could lose you if he is not willing to commit.

Ala "homer"... I need to re-read that.

Naturally (stupidly?) my fear would be that he would start to date almost as a retaliation. I guess he could be going out on dates the nights we aren't together, but I mostly get him on the prime dating nights. He *did* have to 'share' that some 21 year old was coming on to him at a bar recently. The upshot was that he wasn't interested and she isn't "half the woman" I am; this was to show me that he isn't trying to just hook up with women and have sex. Let's reframe that to what he *is* saying-- he is looking for someone extra special that he can fall in love with.

Back to the original thought regarding dating-- I am not exactly sure *how* I would even find anyone to go out on a date with; I don't want to put myself out there on match.com or some such site, because that's not really where I am at mentally. As a solution goes, though, it is a heck of a lot easier and less expensive than moving; and it might even be fun.

Agent... you are putting pressure on him, and by doing so, you are screwing up your chances of him being ready to commit to you, when your "time is up". (3 months)

let him babble as much as he likes, until that time.
yeah, it hurts, and it is irritating. but it's the only way he's going to feel like he made up his own mind about it, rather than being forced into it.

It may be that at the end of it, he's still going to babble on about wanting to see if "the grass is greener", blah blah.
At that point, you probably will have to give him exactly what he wants, in the sense of leaving him to himself in his apartment, and going 100% dark no contact for 3 months.

that time is not now

You have to back off!!

asking if he was exclusively dating you, and not having sex with anyone else, is perfectly fair. But putting pressure on him about it, is just going to put him in defensive, retaliatory mode, I think.

I know you want to bludgeon him about what a schmuck he is being.
Trust me, been there, done that, and it doesnt help. In my situation, at least, it made things much much worse.

PS: I think nikkib is right about your husband potentially just flailing around and looking for "more, more, more" externals to make him happy, instead of looking in the mirror, and realizing that the reason he isnt happy, is because of himself

Here's hoping that he wakes up soon.

I don't think you're anywhere near dating, personally. Way too much work to do on getting settled and happy with yourself, first, and it only complicates things. Although I do think getting out and doing things with people (not necessarily one on one with men, but with women, or groups, etc.) might be good for you and create some mystery along the way.

Since you remind me so much of myself, and to Morgan's question of "What WON'T you put up with," I wanted to share some book recommendations with you. People here kept mentioning setting boundaries, enforcing them, and I finally realized I didn't even really understand what a boundary IS very well. It's mentioned in DR I believe but I still just wasn't "getting" it.

I'm currently reading one of these books and have skimmed the other two - and the entire time I kept feeling these "ah ha!" moments. I hope you'll decide to read them and if so I hope that's the case for you, as well. This separation is a perfect time to work on this because it's all about you.

Here they are - all by Anne Katherine:
1. Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day
2. Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin
3. When Misery is Company: End Self-Sabotage and Become Content

#1 and #2 I'd recommend FOR SURE, to anyone. #3 only if the summary seems to apply to you.

Here's more about them:

1. This one I'm reading now. Here's the Amazon summary:


2. This one I have skimmed and plan to read it, getting through #1 and #3 first though. This is kind of the "bible" of Boundaries books from what I can tell.


3. Last but not least - this one's next on my reading list, but may or may not apply to you. I could tell from the description that it was good for me. I don't agree with the part about always expecting a setback, but I see that I often take actions that cause a setback when things are going well.


I really hope you'll read these, especially #1 and/or #2... I think they'll be so helpful for you.