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Oh, yeah...I forgot...I'm 27. He's 31. We were married 4.5 years, together 6. Been separated 1 year, divorced about 10 months or so.

This is what your situation sounds like to me:

When the baby came along, he was still emotionally a boy.
He was, and is, commitment phobic.
However, actually SEEING, and being around, the child, has helped him grow up more, and be emotionally ok with the idea of acting like a father, even if he isnt ready to accept the label of "husband and father" right now.


Sounds like you are basicaly living a married life, except for living in two homes.

If HE wants to bring up remarriage again... to my mind... he might actually be worth taking the risk on again. if you go through some "pre-marital counselling" this time.

meanwhile... you might want to consider bringing up living in the same house, so you can do what you are now doing, but more conveniently/economically?

and/or.... ease up on the "no cuddling" drama?


Basically: he's been an idiot.. he's made lots of mistakes.. he's even admitted that.. but.. he's 30 now. That probably means something to him. it's a transition point.

30 was kinda a long transitional year for me. 31 was, "ok, I'm really 30 now.. middle-aged time" kinda thing.

Dom,

You've hit the nail on the head. He's actually said a lot of this stuff. And, on top of that, he's made huge strides to actually living as an adult...he started going to college this fall (!!!), is actually living on a budget, and is less interested in, say, partying weekly.

By contrast, I went straight through college, and am doing nicely in a career I enjoy. I think he always felt a little put off by that, despite what he says.

Oh, yeah, I know we're living this psuedo-married life. I must admit, I kind of like it. The space has helped clear my own head. I had wandered back down the crazy-making, jealousy, why-are-you-never-home path again before the divorce. Yuck.

I don't think I'd be willing to live with him for at least a couple of more years. And there's one big fat reason: he feels trapped and goes off into crazy-land when living with someone. (Not just me. Family members, roommates, whatever. He's told me he never really felt 'safe', and enjoys that about having his own space.) I also think there were too many triggers when we were living together, and they all blurred together, so he had a hard time figuring out that it was a trigger instead of horrible wifey that made him feel like running.

Case in point... He keeps the bed in the corner of the room. That allows one of us to lay on the "open" side, to prevent the baby from rolling/crawling out of bed without the other adult present because the wall's in the way. When we're both sleeping at his place, he has to have the "open" side--he can't sleep by the wall, or he'll feel trapped. One morning, I needed to get up, but there was a bunch of stuff piled just past the end of the bed, so I couldn't go that way. So, instead, I climbed over him to get off the bed. Normally this isn't a problem...for whatever reason, that day, he was set off. I watched him jump and tense up, but not wake up. I didn't think much of it at the time. Later, when I called him for something, he sounded really wound up. I asked him if he was okay. He said no, he felt really jumpy, and asked if I had touched him the night before. At first I said no, thinking he meant like trying to seduce him or something along those lines--then I remembered the climbing-out-of-bed. We were both amazed that that one thing had made him jittery all day. He even commented later that he thinks a lot of his anger may really have come from his being triggered without realizing it.

It's nice to hear other people have the same types of observations I've had. It's very validating. Thanks for stopping by.

Azhira,

Sounds like alot of his insecurities may be too do with teh abuse he suffered as a child. He maybe never learnt to love and reassure? It's learnt behaviour. Sounds like you know him really well and are playing his game by massaging his ego. Are you ok with the arrangements? Sounds as if you are and you can look into the future with time frame. I think it all sounds really positive for you, you are taking the right cautious baby steps.

Well done.

XD

Hey Dom,

Would you care to look at my stich and tell me what you think??

Posted in MLC & Piecing..

Cheers

XD

disappointed, I agree, he has a lot of insecurities (still) left over from the years of abuse. I think I'm one of the few people who knows most of the story--I suspect even I don't know everything, just knowing xh. He has told me a couple of times that part of the problem is he just didn't know what a healthy M feels like, so he'd just throw his hands up at a little bump thinking it must be 'over'. Then he'd be confused, think it wasn't, because he'd still have feelings, and come running back. He's also concerned about overcompensating the other direction, and not knowing when to let go of an unhealthy R.

I feel for him, because it really must be terribly confusing. At the same time, I'm trying to let him know what is and is not acceptable. I think may have done him a disservice in the past by being 'too' understanding, assuming he knew some things were unhealthy/not okay, but was acting out anyway. The trick is to have nice, open conversations with him at appropriate times, instead of ranting, hate-filled arguments. :p Time is allowing me to do this with more grace.

Of course, that's not to say I'm perfect. There's always room for growth. One of the things I'm enjoying about our current interactions, is that he's helping me identify my unhealthy habits, as well. I try to take his input seriously, because he does know me very, very well. While I'm not getting all of the cuddly, affectionate parts I miss from our R, I am getting my emotional needs met. So, oddly, it's like I'm getting the other side this time.

While I would like more eventually, I am okay and happy with the way we are currently. At some point I will want a deeper connection with someone, but right now, I'm not interested in dating anyway. So, barring one of us actually dating someone, this current path is fine. It leaves things open down the road, without pushing for it.

I did notice he's pulled back again the last couple of days. I've been assuming (I know) in the past that this usually had to do with his FF JD, but I had another idea today. Having finally noticed I was picking fights to prevent further intimacy, I carefully overrode that tendency earlier this week. Now, he's bringing up the "we shouldn't really be doing xyz, it's not right," "I don't want to hurt you anymore," and mentioning his interest in MN again. I wonder if, because I didn't try to retreat, now he is...? I may ask him about it later; maybe not. It depends on the flow of the day. shrug

Some more things I need to work on about me...

I think I may be more judgmental about people than I realized. I caught myself yesterday, thinking down a bit on a coworker who is less technical than I am. I've been told I don't come across condescending, but I'm concerned that (sooner or later) those thoughts will seep through into my actions. I need to work on this some more.

Exercising more regularly again. I sleep better, which means I'm more pleasant, get more work down, and overall am just a better person. I had gotten back to almost daily workouts before I went on vacation a couple of weeks ago, but I've let myself slide lately. Not good. Even if it's just a little, I need to do something every day. This is the one thing I really wish I hadn't allowed to happen during and after my pregnancy...my emotional health is simply so much better when I eat and work out strictly.

Resentment. I caught myself holding onto a couple of silly negative interactions with xh and making those assumptions again. After all, it must always be about me, right?? lol The trick is to realize, when I feel like that, it's not the little whatever thing that I'm focusing on. Usually, it's something else that hurt me, maybe I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm trying to continue to justify that hurt.

I just noticed something xh hasn't done in a very, very long time. While he's making more of effort to appear distant (not changing in front of me, saying we shouldn't have sex, etc), he just called and apologized for not answering the phone--told me what he'd been doing, and didn't want me to think I was ignoring him. (Yes, I have on occasion had a meltdown demanding to know he wouldn't answer his phone.)

The last time he did that, he was actively working at regaining my trust.

Hmm. The whole 'actions louder than words' thing comes to mind.

Also interestingly enough, the more I post, the less I waffle about whether or not I want to work things through with him.

Weird weekend.

D moved into her new place. I kind of miss having her on my couch. She was there for two months. Ah, well. At the same time, my little apartment seems much bigger without her boxes/suitcases piled up. Cest la vie. It will just take more effort to hang out with her now, I supposed.

On the xh end of things...wow. I'm not sure if he was more consistent before, or just that I didn't notice because I was all over the place myself. Ah, well.

On the interesting (plus?) side of things, he called me 'honey' twice. He hasn't done that in a year or more. We even cuddled up some at night. Even odder, I had to fend him off with a stick late one night. Not that I usually mind, exactly, I was just almost always the one pursuing him. Several nights in a row...unheard of. Honestly, I was just tired. That's the first time I ever recall turning him down for that reason. lol We even spent most of the weekend together. It was a lot of fun. He also told me at point that he's enjoying just being around me again, that's starting to be fun again, and he's afraid of going back to the crazyness. (He picked up on that I'm finally letting go of the anger from last year.)

Other, random things I noticed over the weekend: He was picking (playful) fights with my friend D. I finally joked that he was picking fights because she's moving out of my apartment. I must have accidentally hit a nerve... He told me later I was right on, even though I was joking, and it made him weird the rest of the day. I didn't mean to do that, but oh well.

He also, after weeks, got a text from JD. (His ff that he's really into. The married one.) He was incredibly tense afterward. I didn't ask what was going on--he's followed my advice, and doesn't want to discuss their friendship, since on the off chance it does evolve into an actual romantic relationship, that would be inappropriate. (Yes. I know. She's married.) Anyway, after about dozen texts, I told him I didn't know why or what was going on, but he always seems incredibly tense and unhappy after speaking with her. I told him, as a friend, I'm worried that he's repeating his past history of unhealthy friendships (there are a lot of them), and I was concerned about him.

He got angry and defensive--"it's not what you think"--but I just calmly reiterated my point. Told him he needed to do something about the situation, whatever that was, because it's stressing him out so badly he's getting physical symptoms. (Immediately after talking with her, he was complaining of headaches and stomach pains.) I told him I was just concerned.

Then I changed the subject. Baby and I went to bed, and he came by much later to spend the night. If I recall correctly, we did cuddle some, but I was pretty asleep.

I didn't work out Friday like I wanted to, although I should have. Saturdays just don't work schedule wise. Sunday I drug D to a 'yoga pump' class at the gym... It wasn't what I expected, but I loved it! I'm going to try to make this a weekly thing--it'll also give baby and xh good time alone together.

I'm not going to make weights during lunch today like I had planned--I need to get some car stuff taken care of--but I am going to try to get some cardio in after work. I need to quit skipping that!

Since I spent lunch taking care of necessary car repairs, I opted to walk to/from the tire shop and my job. While I could have gotten a ride from a coworker--and I've been genuinely making an effort to learn to accept help more often--I also just really wanted to walk. Now that it's not 115 outside anymore ( ), I want to spend more time walking/biking to closer destinations. And, I got in some exercise.

Yesterday xh was in a lousy mood. Really weird, distant, nit-picking. I assume it was because of his conversation with JD. He also did mention he started feeling really 'off' while we were in Ikea Sunday with D...he said it was all the couples. So, who really knows. I know it wasn't because of something I did. I asked. I asked if he wanted to talk, or if I could help. His non-reply told me to just leave him alone, let it go, and if he wanted to talk, he would. So I made a conscious effort not to get pissy myself, and to just continue on with my day and not take his moodiness so personally.

He did seem to be in a much better mood last night.

And, he's actually been wanting to cuddle more. It's been a very, very long time since I've been held. I'm a very touch-oriented person, and had such a hard time during my (very needy) pregnancy. In a way it makes me angry...why now? I'm sure the answer is I'm not as needy. (ATM, the baby is fulfilling a lot of my need to cuddle. He is such a cuddly little boy.)

But, come on, pregnant women are hormonal and crazy and needy... I know I should let it go. He's apologized. It just really hurts and makes me angry that he's more available now when I actually need him less. And I'm sure that's why. I had a FF point out to me months back that I was always the more 'stable' of the two of us, so when I was cracking and needed propped up...his 'sanity' left him, too. sigh Unfortunately, I can't be the stable one all the time! I need to fall apart too, sometimes. I know, rambling, and lots of assumptions. Mostly just stream-of-thought to clear my head...

Oh, and other random things. I think it was Saturday, when he leaned over on me and said something cryptic about wanting to tell me 'something,' but afraid of my reaction. He has this history of, well, lying to me, which makes me very leery. So I commented that if it was in the last year, he's been single...even legally... His response was it was 'the last six months'. I suspect it's about JD, but, whatever. I obviously haven't been obsessing over it, since I just now remembered it again. What I already know is enough to give me a pretty good idea about what this is. Ehh...

Wow A quite a lot to digest there, i haven't been on the boards this week. Just to let you know that i am listening and there for you. I was just as hormonal and more needy when i was pregnant, our 2nd baby (my 4th)was unplanned and i'm sure my H blames me. The more he distanced himself the more needy I became. I understand the anger and don't forget the RESENTMENT, try and let it go, you have to move forward. He is there NOW.

I am in no way an expert, but it sounds like your H is happy to be around you. I would be happy to accept what he has to offer in the affection department and keep up with working on yourself, making you a less needy person and gaining a PMA. I'm sure it sounds like you are slowly winning H round. True it is complicated with FF, but let his conscious work that out, your sharing his bed not her,he seems disturbed when she contacts him so distance yourself and don't mention it to him again. Come here and rant instead. Cat advised my to not let their moods dictate our mood or whether we had a good or bad day, she said seize the day and make it yours. I think thats so true. I tend to take things personally to, probably to much, but by distancing myself I try to ignore him and it usually helps. Yoga is great for inner peace and a calm mood.

Did you find out yet what he wanted to tell you?

XD