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I've been thinking about the following schedule for my kids. It's a little different from the typical 50/50 schedule. Most people try to split the kids 50/50 for the entire year.

I want one of us to have the kids every other Friday night and every other Saturday/Sunday with a couple of hours of visitation on Wednesdays. That way the kids are in the same house during the school week. Then, every other year we switch schedules. The catch to that also is that we must both live in the same school district so the kids aren't switching schools every other year. I'll put it in the papers that if either of us move from the school district then that person won't be able to keep the kids during the school week.

It's just an idea I'm kicking around. I've never heard of anyone doing this and I don't know if a judge will go for it.

The judge does not care as much as you think. For the most part he is thrilled if a divorcing couple can come up with there own agreements. He is not there to pick apart what is being filed. He is there to sign it and make sure it is leagal.

I agree with Amy that children of school age need to have a primary home for school nights. 4-8 seems OK if you continue some kind of parallel coparenting where homework, dinner, playdates, Scouts, sports, etc. are at the same time with both parents. Do not think of yourself as a babysitter but it is OK if you feel like one at times, we all do. I am also biased that children should not live out of backpacks. I hate to say this, but as a kid of divorce I am glad I did not have to move back and forth. The unfortunate downside was that my mom was always "The Bad Guy" and my dad was always the "Disney Dad". But I think we probably know a lot more about coparenting with all the self help books out there. Good luck. I know you will do what is best for your family, even if it is not the ideal sitch there will always be love and you will stay close. I am still veru close to my Dad and I did not live with him during the school year.

Thanks GoneDancing. This is a great point. I just need to put stop reacting and allow her to wallow in her pity. I am not going to react to her any more. I need to just learn to walk away and keep my pride intact. I just find myself wanting to correct everything that she does. She will make a comment and I want to show her my point or where she is wrong and that doesn't work. I was listening to David Deangelo and he said that when a person is emotional and reacting emotionally (my wife) there is nothing that you can say to try to be rational with them.


This is where I kind of struggle. I feel that at times, I just ignore here and won't even look at her. Other times, I'll say hi. I just need to be consistent and say hello and 'act' friendly, but not all buddy buddy, if that makes sense.


Mkultra,

Thanks for your help. This is what puzzles me. The way that she acts. I can't believe that she is just going to quit when things get rough. She is jealous and controlling. She didn't like when I went golfing, go to my parent's to watch boxing, go to my friends house, etc. I would get the guilt trip speech that I need to be a father, etc.


D4 is always asking my W if daddy can spend the night. My W did tell me that D4 asks about me a lot and she tells her that she loves daddy and that sometimes daddys don't live with their mommies.

I just got irritated when this *** tried to interject when he doesn't know anything about my sitch.


This did really bother me once I became stable. I went through hell and she didn't suffer. She acted like I was the one with the problem. Her family even treated me differently. To this day, she still points out what is wrong with me and says that there is nothing wrong with her. Even when we were together she would complain about what wasn't right instead of telling me what she needs.

One, Hang in there buddy. I agree with Cire. It doesn't sound as if you are going to have the ability to be a father with that schedule. You need to stand up for yourself regarding your daughter. With that schedule, you can't.

As far as the W thing, detach as best you can. Things will seem more clear after all of this is done. I really don't believe that you can reconcile in any way with this issue looming overhead.

This did really bother me once I became stable. I went through hell and she didn't suffer. She acted like I was the one with the problem. Her family even treated me differently. To this day, she still points out what is wrong with me and says that there is nothing wrong with her. Even when we were together she would complain about what wasn't right instead of telling me what she needs.

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You've outgrown your wife, onewish.

Now it is all about the little girl.
Not the one that is your wife, but the real little girl in your sitch.
Your daughter.

I guess I am biased because we have almost the same schedule but it works well for me and so far it works well for my H. I ask him for an adjustment if he needs one. I guess he misses nighttime activities but my kids still sleep at Mom's. My neighbor has the same schedule except for a weekend overnight every other week.


Re Yearly switching: It would be nice to see some research on what works best. I am part of a university parenting advice board and many claim that the best is for the kids to stay in one household and the parents move back and forth! I know people who have done this for almost two years! Can you imagine being that together and organized to share a house but to not be married. I am sorry but if you arethat amicable to share a family home, why not become a family!!!

I think the yearly switching was very bad for my exboyfriend. He grew up going back and forth between parents home. But he had to change schools and his brother got switched conversely so that the parents had a different kid each year. Not good.

Update...

I have been looking at getting into a house. I am kind of excited. I found an amazing house, amazing deal about a half mile from W's house and I said, no! Her whole family lives in the same general vicinity and I don't want to have to deal with running into them or have her snooping on me. Now that I have really taken time to reflect on my life, I have bent over backwards to do anything to please her. I was never able to be myself. Never able to always be honest because I didn't want to have to argue or put up with her insecurity. My parents and family have noticed that I have been really happy and just being myself. I like to be sarcastic and tease from time to time or quite often and I could not do that around W. I could not be friendly to everyone and say hi to even my little sister's friends. She would get all jealous.

Interesting than happened. Well she filed back in early June. Kept dragging my feet. I finally gave her the changes that I want and came to a conclusion that this is time for me to drop the burden of dealing with her. She has never accepted anything and that is her fault. All she does is blame me for EVERYTHING. Well, lately, I get D4 and I give her (D4) 100% of my attention when I pick her up and drop her off. I don't even look at W or say hi. Monday night I put D4 into her car and gave her a big hug and kiss and said good bye. I then turned around and started to get into my car. W said, see that is what I mean. I turned around and said, what? She said, you always tell people that I am not nice to you and that I treat you like crap. I then told her that I have always been nice to her even with her wanting to end the marriage. And all this got me was being treated worse. I told her that I am through and moving on. I then told her that it sucks that this happened and we can't change the past. I told her that she needs to let go of what I did in the past and just forget it. I told her that I am not bitter. I am just done. She had tears flowing all down her face. I then said bye and left. To be honest, it felt kind of good to see her crying and feeling miserable. She created this mess and now she needs to deal with it! I tried and tried and it wasn't enough to satisfy her. She now can live in her misery and deal with D asking for me to spend the night or for Jesus to bring her daddy back home. I think she has a lot of guilt because she KNOWS that our marriage wasn't that bad. Sure, we had minor issues that caused big problems, but if ths is how she responds when things get rough by running away and ending our marriage, that sounds like a personal problem.

Any suggestions on her being emotional? I wonder if she is really done.

Maybe she wants attention. Look at her, give her eye contact. Tell her she is a good mother. Say her name when you say goodbye. Of course she is miserable. She threw away her marriage. A lot of us feel like we have an d that is why we are here. Marriage should never be disposable. She has put up a wall and has unfairly blamed you. You are the easiest target. Too bad she will wake up after it is too late. It would be my hope that you both reconcile.