Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Get me on a smoother ride....need advice - part 3

Oh Sue! You could have copied and pasted a few of my posts this past August. I am so sorry!!! I wanted to warn you though, even though you don't feel like crying now, or don't really feel 'hurt', it might sink in a bit in a day or two, and that's ok. Just know it might happen and its something you will go through. There is something 'concrete' about finding evidence. You'll still empowered after the tears, trust me.

You said everything right, girl!!! I am very proud of you. I hate that he talked about you and your marriage to her. My H denied they did, but then admitted it a bit, then OW's H told me what they both had said. Honestly though, why would they be in this secret friendship if they both said "Hey, our marriages are great, let's start something". Don't let that bother you too much. H's actions towards you are more important than what lies he tells her.

I would 'as if' his hiney off for the rest of the week. You were in limbo and now its good that this happened, because you got to restate your position on things. I'll be thinking of you.

trying....

No, I didn't see anything that would tell me how far it's gone. Just the pet names, which drives me crazy. PA or not, there's definately an emotional connection. I know I was in no emotional postion before to confront him, but now it makes me wonder if I'd done it long ago, would it have helped?

I thought about asking him other questions, like...
-If she's not completely happy in her M and you're talking like this, does that mean you're not completely happy in ours? I didn't want to hear the answer to that.

No, I don't think he'd take very kindly to me and another man calling each other baby & hun. I think he'd be walking out the door with a big middle finger pointing back at me.

He didn't say anything about why OW's H doesn't know. I'm sure because they know that it's not right and that it would hurt him as much as it's hurting me. Then again, she doesn't know, so she has no idea how much it hurts me.

His last A was horrible. He was angry all the time, rarely talked to me, was rude when he did. No remorse whatsoever, until we reconciled. He did deny the OW & A at first then, but one night he got drunk & admitted it, saying that it had nothing to do with me. WHAT???? Your f-ing someone else but is has nothing to do with me?

I'm not sure what to do now? Do I calmly bring it up tonight and just add my last couple of thoughts.....not rude, just calm or do I let it go a few days and possibly leave him a card/letter when I leave for the weekend? Any thoughts.

Thanks- SueS

lwb-

Thanks! I know, I'm afraid of the time that it actually sinks in. It's going to hurt. This just SUCKS!!

Do you think I should just let it go and "as if" the rest of the week? Or, do I need to tell him the few things that I didn't say? The......please think about how you're "friendship" takes away from us & her own M. I'm afraid that he won't tell her that I know. I just feel like if she knows that I know, it might slow down. I could be TOTALLY wrong, but who knows. It makes me wonder if she's ever done this before.

SueS

Sue, if you feel you need to say a few more things, I don't see anything wrong with that, obviously do it calmly. H might not hear what you have to say or deny that its 'taking away' from your marriage. I see OW as filling a hole my H had, that he felt and partially that he created to justify it.

In my case, this is the 2nd A that OW has had. OW's H said he is done if this doesn't work, but we can all say that. I used to say that I would never put up with this, and look at me.

Don't be afraid of it sinking it. This will happen from time to time. Its ok.

(((HUGS))) Sue, wow. good for you for feeling empowered...it can be empowering. but trust me, the tears will probably come. along with some vomit. its sickening, to see that concrete stuff, and doesn't really go away.

my h and the ow call each other baby. I have grown to HATE that term of endearment. thankfully not one that H has ever used with me. but woe to any man in the future who might. lol.

I am sorry you are hurting. take care of yourself.

eta, I agree with lwb, don't be afraid of the hurt...it will hurt, you have to let yourself grieve. otherwise you can never move past it...it will fester and make you sick.

lwb & morgan....

Thanks so much! I'm already at a loss of what to do. I hate to be obsessive about the small things, but I just had to come home for lunch to see if anything was different. Still no ring sitting around and nothing out of place. H took the lunch I made and took some things out to thaw for me for dinner. He doesn't get home until 9:30-9:45, so I hope to be in bed and dreaming of better days by then. I don't want to avoid him, but I'm just so tired. I wish it were Friday and I was in my car on the way to my parent's. However, I do need a few days to get myself together before I see them. I don't want them knowing anything. They already sense that there's a riff between H & I, so I don't want them to get worked up. They have enough to deal with.

I feel like I need to come home tonight and do something to start getting these last 10-15 lbs. off of me. I haven't been able to eat today, but I know that doesn't help.

Well, I need to do a few things and then get back to work.

Thanks again!

SueS

(((hugs))) Sues... Im sorry, what a smack you got. But you know what you are going to feel everything from saddness to being angry and that is normal. I would just keep to yourself and not say too much to him, just what you have to.. I don't know if that goes against dbing.. but I think for your own sanity you need to have some distance between you.. i know it helps me sort things out. Please take care of yourself. Aside from me feeling like I could smack him

I don't think he gets it, that its inappropriate to have this kind of relationship with her especially after he has been "with her" Its just wrong.. does he not see that??? I don't understand it, what if it was you doing these things?? I don't think he'd like it too much.

Please hang in there, we are all here for you, you are doing great.. be strong..

tal

TAL-

Thank you! No, I don't think H does get it. It just hit me that the time I posted about him having taken his ring off when he was out & then putting it back on before he thought I was awake was about the last time that he would have seen her.....two weeks ago. VOMIT!!!

H called me a few minutes ago. He wanted to let me know that the furniture store had called. The table/chairs set that I'd ordered is in. I saw it was him calling.
H: Yeah, the store called.
Me: Okay.
H: They said the table/chairs are in.
Me: Okay.....anything else?
H: No, just trying to get some business done here the last few days of the month.
Me: Okay.
H: Well, I have to go. I'll talk to you later.
Me: Okay.

I guess that wasn't a very good job of "as if", but damn it, I'm pissed. No matter how many ups and downs we have or OW & her H have, they had NO RIGHT to do this.....NO RIGHT. He kept telling me that I'm the one that needs to be stronger......but I'm not the one weak enough to need to run to someone else instead of coming to my own W to get our issues solved.

I feel like fire is blowing out my eyes, ears & mouth right now. I'm so heated up.

SueS

SueS,

That wasn't peeking, that was him setting a trap! Fortunately, you acted perfectly and IMHO I would not raise it at all for the rest of the week and even when you leave to go see your parents. Act as if it is something so sad and small that it does not warrant discussion.

I think you H and my W are in the same situation, and I have told my W I do not approve, but nothing more.

I would send you a big chocolate cheesecake, but I think Customs might eat it first. But here's a cyber one to perk up your mood.......yummmm.

Chin up, take the moral high ground and let him crawl back to you.

Pamar-

Thank you so much!

That cyber cheesecake hit the spot. Yeah, I don't think I'll say anything more. I'm sure H will think that I'm checking up on him and try to hide some things anyway.

Hmmmmm.....I honestly didn't think of it as a trap. Interesting. Makes sense though. How on earth could you ever just let things like that sit if you don't want your spouse to see it. My goodness, when I saw it, I started to hyperventilate. I literally could not breathe. My throat started to close up and I had to tell myself to breathe. I'm sure that's part of what made my h quickly move out to the den.

Thanks again Pamar. You're awesome!

SueS