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My sentiments exactly -- he's doing it because he has no other control over your choices and emotions. He's doing it in an attempt to win you back. Horrible tactic, of course, but it is definitely getting your attention. I've said this before -- once he sees that this has only pushed you further away or caused you to have more resentment, he may actually hit rock bottom, let go of his pride, and begin taking a hard look at himself. That's my perspective, anyway. Maybe he's moving on, but I seriously doubt it. He's in his angry phase, and will just have to work through it.

Just take care of you and use reason combined with emotion to make decisions, and make sure you reflect enough on these decisions before you actually follow through with them.

GD

Ok, a few more thoughts (in an effort to help). I do not recall all the details/history of your sitch, but I do recall that at one point you hoped us other LBS could help you see where your H might be coming from, and that is my main objective with the some of the comments I am about to make.



I understand all of that.



I've started my own life recently (the next chapter anyway). If my W comes back ever, well we will see where I am. I honestly don't know how I would react. What I do know is I have made every effort to this point to save the M, and to focus on my role on this mess, own it and address it, and my W simply doesn not want to (or cannot) work on the M. So I am moving on with my life. I am stopping the chase, and focusing on me. That doesn't mean I won't be willing to try again if she wants, but I honestly don't know if I will or won't. We will just have to see if and when we ever get to that point. Until then, I am focusing on what I want and need, and on my role as a father.



This can be true from the LBS side too. Maybe you are more like an LBS than I wanted to admit before. You are working on it; he is not.



Well, here is one of those comments from his view. Not to justify it, but just to show what he might be thinking/feeling, didn't you want to stop the "dating" between you for a while? Didn't you need time and space away, a break so to speak? I recall a concert where you really didn't want to go with him, and did so reluctantly. And you moved out. I know why you moved out, and even encouraged you to move out. I'm just saying that from his perspective, you don't want to be with him. You don't. So that may be why he is dating.

I can tell you that recently I have started dating. W knows this theoretically, cause I told her, but I don't think she knows any actual details. But in my mind I have justified this because my W doesn't want to be with me (on a date, for fun, with our kids, sexually, anything), she is not attracted to me, she insituted a separation, and she hasn't been willing to work on our M since January. So I eventually said fine, there are LOTS of women very enthused about being with me, and that feels damn good. And it's nice to go to dinner, or a movie, or to sit on a couch and be affectionate, so I am not going to wait around for the rest of my life to see if my WAS wakes up. I'm moving on. His frame of mind might be similar to this, even if all the facts and justifications don't really fit your sitch.



I can so relate to this. Years for me too. Hence the dating. I am happy with my decision, and happy withg where I am. My ego/PMA are soaring.



Not negative. Yes you are entitled. Yes you should start living yours irrespective of what, if anything, H does.



Could be an attempt to control. But I actually, really believe it may just be his reaction to the pain of what he feels is rejection. This is how I feel right now. I honestly feel like my W doesn't want to be with me, doesn't see positives any me, doesn't appreciate me, and other women do. So, fine. I can't control her. I can't change her mind. I can only focus on me. And this is fun and feels good. He may be in a similar place mentally, again even if all the facts/detials/history of the sitch don't match up exactly with mine.

Hope it helps. Take care.

Nomo

I am going to take a wait and see approach to all of this. If he continues dating others and doesn't want to continue to MC/IC for himself then so be it. I can only control me.

Until this Sep I had some body image issues that caused me to become too thin and was spending was too much time at the gym. As some of you know I rebelled and got hooked on junk food. Needless to say I am now getting a little wobbly and not feeling so great so I am going head back to the gym and pick up a few more hobbies to keep me busy. Try not to worry about my sitch and just see what happens.

Sounds like we're both in the same boat here. Absolutely blows.

Have fun in the gym. Don't give up all junk food. I find that allowing myself one or two bad meals a week keeps me on track better than eating 'good' all of the time.

BD

Absolutely blows??? No it doesn't H. Try to apply your PMA here H (fake it til you make it). That "boat" is an excellent plan for all of us! Try not to worry about your sitch (eg, don't stress-remember what my yogi says: worrying is like praying for the result you don't want), and see what happens (meaning let go, and accept that there are things you can't control). I would add focus on you and GAL. Do something that fires you up and make any changes in you that you want to make!

Make it a great day!
Nomo

I honestly worry about things less each day. And, in some ways, this does blow. Let me explain. Understanding and accepting how my actions got my W to where she is now (she shares in that as well) DOES blow. I have stopped beating myself up over it and am working on me and making me happy. For me, the verbal tick of occassionally saying "this stinks" helps me stay sane until I can totally stop thinking about things. That make any sense at all? (In my head, it makes perfect sense )

Acting 'as if' gets easier daily because I find that I'm not really acting, I am happier than I have been in years. The frustration of "why couldn't I wake up earlier" does bubble to the surface now and again, but less and less frequently. Getting out of the house, settling into my new place, beginning an exercise program again, planning activities with the girls, doing my job better are all helping me move from acting to being.

Regarding my W, I know that all of the above does two things -- one, and most important, make me happy; and, secondly, as a byblow of making me happy, may draw my W back to me. The first goal is predominant. The second is more hope than goal. I currently have no real expectations of my W though at the same time I do hold onto a hope that she'll decide to create a great M together with me.

That's kindof the best I can explain it at the moment. No expectations, but continued hope anyway.

BD

Everything you said makes sense, H, and for what it is worth I htink you are doing an excellent job in a VERY DIFFICULT situation. (We all are, really.)



I get it, BUT enlightenment doesn't blow. It's a gift. It's a second chance. I know what you mean, but I think you should be grateful, and humbled, and appreciative that you have been able to understand and accept so much, because now, and only now, will you be able to live the rest of your life they way you want to, and the way you should, and you will become the person you want to be and were meant to be - for yourself, for your daughters and for others (which may or may not include your W).

Keep up the good work BD! You too WAW!!

Nomo

Thanks, Nomo. Yes, I absolutely agree. I don't think I've ever written it down here, but I do believe that my W delivered the kick to the buttocks I needed to get out of my rut. I was just kinda drifting through life. I have woken up. Still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, but I'm awake, drinking my tea, and starting to plan my day.

And, whoa, read that email on GD's thread from your new little chickipoo. Great googally moogally, your PMA must be skyrocketing!

I hope you W pulls her head from her buttocks. If not though, you are definately on the right path.

BD

Again thanks for all who pointed out that Jason Statham is on the cover of Mens Health! Should keep me occupied for a while

LOL. Great. Now, with the way my mind works, I've got images of Statham and that chick from the Las Vegas show running through my head. [insert cheesy, sleazy music here]