Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again What is reasonable and what is not?

Missed the last post that asked if you should assume he has made changes. as far as OW goes.

I wouldn't count on it but, you need to follow your instincts.

JAK

I love it. She actually did drive by his house last Saturday morning and then by my house where he was. I happened to see her and distantly followed her.

I guess the part that blows me away is she is "knowing" all of this. She knows he spends the night, spends time with me, we go places together and she and the rest of the world sees us. She knows we are having a baby. It would be different if exh was hiding all of this and she had no idea and thought she was the only one. If I were her and my bf/friend told me he was having a baby with his exw I would be running for the hills.

I am going to try the semi dark thing. I never really call him. I am not going to chase him like she does.

I do have pity for OW mixed in with the hatred. I often wonder if now it has turned into a win/lose thing for her and not so much emotion? I have known her distantly for many years and she is big on appearances and how she looks to people. I am sure that it was rather humiliating when exh had to tell her I was preggo.

I totally understand...when I was doing that snooping I would feel insecure that I didn't know; then worse when I confirmed it, then worse still when I would ask about it; and it was addictive.

Basically it came down to this a little over 3 weeks ago. I told my W I'm done snooping. She had her freedom to go but choose to stay; that came with the no contact order with OM. I don't think she has; no, I don't know for sure. I needed the line in the sand for my own sanity.

I've seen improvement with our interactions lately. My mind is settled, she's chilled out some now that I'm not watching behind her back. At the same time she knows the seriousness behind my words from 3 weeks ago too. If she talks to him...she's gone; that day. And we'd then be forever finished.

I think that last part may come off as a little harsh; but that's the part where I stopped bending over backward...

With all due respect...this road we are all on is only wide enough for a two way street. Your ExH has somehow found himself in a make-shift turning lane.

Thats it !!! You are going to be the greener grass. Why you ask? becuse you don't need him you want him. and because she is needy and after a while it will get old for your xh.

If she is that big on appearances you think she would have gotten a millon miles away from him right now. Goes to show you how screwed up some people can be. Sad isn't it.

JAK

CP--I give you credit for not snooping. It is so addictive. His phone was sitting on the counter this morning and he was getting ready for work. I just kept staring at it. So tempted to look. But I didn't.

Like I said, all of exh's actions towards me are great. The only reason I would think OW is in the picture is because I snooped. Hopefully like your W, my exh will get the picture someday.

JAK- Yeah you would think she would be a million miles away. Funny thing is her friends have no idea she is doing this. They say she tells them they are just good friends and she wishes him well....BS! Behind the scenes she is a desperate woman. Hopefully exh will see the risk he is taking.

SO2 hows it going today?

JAK

It's actually going really well....thanks..

Exh is acting wonderful. I feel like we are getting closer and closer. I really struggle internally....by his actions and with me not snooping things between us would be great. I would never know by the way he treats me that OW is still lurking. It's only by my snooping. So, do I act 'as if' and go with that? Or do I keep up the snooping, distrust, and insecurity?

I don't know if you are religious in any way, but I went to my women's small Bible study this morning. Nobody knows the struggles I am having with OW. But one of the topics was changing my attitude in me and my actions and how I respond to things. I have really been praying that OW be struck down....lol. That she be revealed for the horrible person that she is and all of the hatred I feel for her. I felt today that I should be praying that she have a change of heart in what she is doing and realize this is wrong. I know I will still waver and have the hatred and anger, but at least it points me in a more peaceful direction.

Jak, I reread your posts and I am amazed that you are so strong. I give you alot of credit in how you have handled things.

SO2,
Glad that at least the visible stuff is helping you feel better.

'Act as if' or not? Hmm, that's a good one. My perspective is when he's ready to be with YOU then let him. I only say that as that's what worked for me; I'm just not willing to compete for what should be monogomous anyway. My W had appropriate space; then she had the freedom to choose OM and an EA over the phone (the fantasy) or me (some pain and a lot of work healing (the real world)).

Not being overly religious myself I've found some sanity just praying by myself. Driving down the road, quiet moment at work, wherever I needed to take a minute. I feel like it helped. Oddly enough some stuff here and there happened that I never would've expected (good stuff). They say you have to have an image in your mind about what you want before you start a major project (my R) and so far things are moving in the right direction. My plan, some devine intervention, I don't know; but I'm not complaining.

SO2,

The answer to this question lies inside of you.

By his actions (ie: contact with OW and lieing to you) he has proven himself untrustworthy at this time. And the only way you feel you can handle the sitch is to snoop to make sure he is not cake- eating. I did this. But, I also used the info calmly and very directly to set boundries with H by letting him know that he had to work on the issues, that i would only tolerate so much before I walked out the door.( he said from the start nothing was going on.) I used the info to take away the fantasy secret of OW and to get H to work on himself. I don't look to often for things now, only special occasions ( b-days and holidays). Just to see where he is at on his journey. and i think sometimes might check out the cooler at christmas and if I find nothing im'e done looking. (that is the timeline i set origionally for me to let go).

You see when I found out something I didn't let the info kick me in the gut(to much)but used it to bring him farther in his journey.

To snoop or not to snoop depends on what you can handle and how you will use it in my OP. I know it's against DB rules but i think it can work in some sitches and, i see that it has worked before. It has so far in mine. Lets him know he's not getting away with as much as he thinks.

I am not a religious person per-say but I do believe in God and do pray to myself everyday. Maybe someone at church might be able to help you if you confide in them.

Im'e glad XH is acting loving toward you but, i urge you to make sure he's not cake-eating.

JAK

Thanks, by the way I feel strong for the most part.

I know that I can live without my H and be happy in life. I just prefer to have him as part of my life.

JAK