That's a long time to deny something like that. Do you have any proof? (If not, and he didn't do it, I wonder how much time he spends thinking that he should have just gone ahead and done it...)
Originally Posted By: Corri
here have been SEVERAL brain mapping studies that indicate that feelings/emotions precede thought. Meaning, before the whole 'chemical' shcit in your brain starts the coding, mapping, and labeling of 'what occurred,' and what all that means, it was first preceded by an emotion... that does NOT start in the brain.
Emotions don't start in the brain? Where, then?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
CE-That's a long time to deny something like that. Do you have any proof? (If not, and he didn't do it, I wonder how much time he spends thinking that he should have just gone ahead and done it...)
He has admitted to the EA, denies the PA, says they kissed a few times nothing more. I found out and busted it or it probably would have gone further. We don't talk about it much anymore. When we do he sometimes says he did nothing wrong, they were just friends, other times he says he is sorry for the pain he caused me. Says he would never do it again knowing how bad it hurt me but will then turn around and say "I did nothing wrong!" I think that's why some of my trust issues are still around. If you don't believe you did something wrong what's to stop you from doing it again? For me I think a one night stand would have been less painful because of the lies and deceit that went along with the EA.
I understand what you are saying about me accusing so he should of gone ahead... I am trying very hard but some issues have come up recently that are stirring things up. I thought I was doing great, I thought WE were doing great and then I caught him in a lie in early Aug. and a recent cell phone call to a female at 1:00 AM has brought up some issues for me.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
It was a female friend that left the bar they were at and realized she didn't have her phone. H called the phone so it would ring so they could hear where it was. That's the short version.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
Initial early findings/musings, think that emotions come from hormones. Brain mapping... experience... label raw emotions, that may or may not have anything to do with the mental label.
The brain is a two-way conduit. For example. You can imagine that breaking your arm would hurt, yes? But until that experience actually happens, which is independent of thought or labeling... you won't actually KNOW.(label)
The action must proceed the thought/label... ouch... the fcking hurts.
It is theorized, that our higher brain function is more reactive than active. Otherwise, we would come out of the womb with full ability to reason. We learn to reason. Otherwise... we are just feeling/thinking beings... like animals.
The actual test are beginning to bear this out.
For example. If one in under hypnosis (or asleep even)... the startle factor is still present. But our ability to 'recall' the event is directly related to our level of awareness. Hence, anethetesia. (sp?)
ie., Hormones: The Sixth Sense. And THEY happen in dif parts of the body, which can be related to 'chakras.'
What could he do in his behavior and actions that would make you feel better about trusting him?
Corri
I don't know. Total honesty would be a great start. I have told him this, but he will do anything to avoid conflict, including lies. Mostly it is lies by omission, if he doesn't tell me something than I won't be upset or angry. Really backfires when I eventually do find out. Then I am angry over the issue AND angry at the deceit. I know my reactions are not always predictable as my "feelings" about an issue are often based on what else is going on in my life at the time, whether I want to deal with it or just take a stance that it doesn't matter if he chooses to cheat I will be fine, I will walk away and be just fine. Other times I don't want to walk away, I don't want a D, I want this to work and then of course I monitor the R and make sure it's working. I have the whole issue of whether males and females can be just friends. How far can the friendship go before it is considered an EA? How far before it becomes a PA? I think I am trying to find some boundaries for myself. I am trying to examine me, my life, what is it I want? My emotions, my feelings and how I deal with it internally much less with H. And damn this hard. I probably didn't answer your question but it felt good to write that.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
Okay. So what you are telling me is... for legitimate reasons, or not... your H does not feel 'safe' expressing himself to you... he doesn't know what he is going to get.
That, btw, does not excuse it. But... it IS much like a kid who knows how to work the parents.... "if I'm GOOD, and that is all they see... then I don't have to deal with..... x, y, z.
Typical Mr. Nice Guy.
However, that does not let you off on your end. You are not creating a safe environment, and I seriously doubt that you are capable of the honesty, yourself, that you expect of him. (Anymore than Mrs. Hairdog says SHE wants). I say this, because... shudder... BTDT. Gawd. i can still do it... not healed, not perfect... but working toward my end goal, kwis?
One cannot fix what one cannot see. That is my only bit of advice to you. And the Radical Honesty Book/Workshop.
I'm sure that I've posted this link before but I think it's an interesting look at one model of the way fear can work in 2 ways in the brain. How it works in the "mind" probably would need a different model. It can also be looked at as why some fear can be completely "non rational".
I believe that we all have differing levels of amygdala reactivity that make some of us more susceptible to being emotionally reactive to stimulus. Many of our traits may be a result of this sensitivity. This could be one reason for "nice guys" as conflict avoider it's a learned coping mechanism from way back keep everything smooth and there will be no stress.
Not sure if this fits exactly in this conversation but I felt it may be useful information.
