Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? why don't I listen to my own stories?

Agent99 - whew, glad that didn't come across too heavy handed. You remind me so much of myself that I am afraid I may project too much sometime, wishing I could talk to myself at the same stage you're at.

I'm glad you weren't waiting for him to plan things, that's good to hear.

I ABSOLUTELY think you should go ahead with your surgery. You need to take care of your health, first! If a month of no sex is enough to destroy your marriage, there's not much of a M there to begin with. I actually think having the surgery in spite of the sitch will show a lot of strength. Your health is important enough to you that you'll make it a priority. And also shows that you're not using sex to manipulate him into sticking around. Postponing the surgery sends the opposite message, in my opinion.

I agree with Dom though, if you're cutting off ALL intimate activity, do it for personal reasons and don't blame the surgery - and be clear about what those reasons are. How much you share with H is up to you, but I wouldn't just suddenly stop all intimacy with no explanation.

Also, I'd try not to get TOO hung up on the time period thing. 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months - it's not very long at all when you're talking about a 12.5 year relationship. What if he's not ready to make a clear decision at the 3 month mark? Are you going to force it, or give him more time? Will YOU be ready to make your own decision at that point? It may well take more time.. or less, although I'd encourage you to stick with the 3 months at a minimum.

As for your question - yes, H and I are being intimate for the time being. It's a little scary because I know there's a chance he's got a PA going on (and with someone who I'd be surprised if she DOESN'T have some nasty disease(s), based on her history). So far I'm choosing to trust him that it's an EA and hasn't gone to PA. Sex was a major issue for us due to a lot of physical things on my part that are now taken care of - so in this time period where he's waffling but I'm trying to establish what an R between us COULD look like, I want to make sure it's a priority. I do doubt myself regularly, though. If I find out it's gone to a PA or if we do separate again no more sex, period, unless/until he fully recommits - it sends the wrong message in my case.



I soo know what you mean here, trying to find that balance myself right now.



Lots of pressure, yes. Totally natural to want to spend time with him, but that ball's just not in your court right now (unless you go with that option I suggested of planning a specific date and inviting him).

If his presence doesn't interfere with your "nest," can you also enjoy it WITHOUT his presence? Sounds like it. So... maybe your plans aren't out of the house, but rather, you plan to spend Saturday afternoon on a particular craft project. And you don't change those plans just to be available for your H.

I like Dom's idea of having SOME time available, but not the entire (or even majority) of the weekend open to H's whims. Most of the stuff you mentioned that involves "nesting" is pretty variable in terms of when you do it. So maybe you want to spend, say, 4 hours on some project or beading or whatever. Ok... H calls last minute and wants to hang out... so, you go to lunch for an hour and then cut it short (nicely) saying thanks so much, it was so wonderful, and you look forward to next time but have to go because you have other plans. That isn't playing hard to get exactly, it's placing value on yourself and doing what makes you happy.



I know it's a fine line, but I hope you're starting to at least kinda see the distinction. Spending planned time together is one thing. Remaining constantly open and available (hoping he'll 'grace you with his presence' as you put it) - that's something else and is not healthy for you, him, your M, etc. Waiting til the last minute for him to decide what your weekend looks like is a lot closer to the unhealthy side.

He has no idea that the surgery is scheduled so soon. (in other words, he wouldn't know the difference if I rescheduled.) I don't think that another 6 weeks will affect my health. (After all, when I cancelled the March appt the doc didn't freak out.) I don't think I can stall it indefinitely; that would be playing with fire.

Another reason I am tempted to reschedule-- that night we are going to the big concert (def lep, styx, foreigner) and I could end up very crampy and in pain. I wasn't able to get 'good' parking, so there will be a looooong walk. Not to mention I would like to be able to hop around and scream wildly.

We paid a lot for these tix. I don't want the night ruined. I'm gonna reschedule. I did call and talk to a nurse who 'thought' I would 'probably' be okay to go to the concert; it would so suck if I end up curled up in the car.

Nikki, it must be SOOOO difficult to be intimate with someone if you think they are having an EA. I am starting to have trouble 'letting myself go' because I am feeling angry and hurt about the sitch and there isn't even anyone else in the picture.

I rescheduled. Turns out the next available appt was exactly the week I wanted. Worked out perfectly.

Also looks like I will not need to work late tonight. It's a bummer in one way (would have liked the business), but perfectly fine in another way (it'll happen later when they are truly ready).

I wish dogs didn't poop. I really want a dog. Except for that pooping thing. If wishes were horses then beggars would ride...

Y'all would be proud of me. I just signed up for a class tonight. "Increase The Flow Of Synchronicity In Your Life
So You Can Create The Life You Really Want". The instructor has been "Hailed by Oprah". Should be interesting.

Yeah, 4pm Friday and not a peep from H. Nice. <rolling eyes>

It's effin RUDE! That's what it is! He spends the entire weekend here last week, says he wants to 'date' me and can't manage to pick up the phone?! Okay, breathe....He has been busy with work. He does get wrapped up in it. None the less- if I were someone that he was excited to see, he woulda called. There. That's the effin bottom line.

GAHHHHHHH!

rant over.
Time to go and get ready for class.

Yay Agent99, those classes sound great!!! I hope it's as good as it sounds.

Makes sense on rescheduling the surgery. I didn't realize H never knew about the date to begin with, so that makes more sense. I've heard that concert is great!! Hope you have a blast.

I'm worried about this part:



Did he promise to call and I missed it??



If you made a specific date or promised to meet again this weekend, I'd agree it's rude. If not, I fail to see how it's rude. Do you have an agreement to spend every weekend together, or time together each weekend? (I don't think so but may have missed it).

You said you talked several times this week... so he DID pick up the phone. He didn't ask you for a date... what does that tell you? It tells me that either 1. he doesn't WANT to date you this particular weekend (that doesn't mean never, it means not this weekend), or 2. he's trying to see if you're available at the drop of a hat. (or it could be a million other reasons, but those are the first two that come to mind).



Yep. You are absolutely right. If he wanted to see you right now or was excited to see you right now he would have called.

No-there was no promise to call, or a promise of a date.

My annoyance is this: If I was dating some guy and sleeping with him- I would expect that we were "serious" enough that we would speak often, intimately and know what each other were doing. Yeah, yeah- there i go with the expectations again- however- if I am sleeping with someone, I think I am due that courtesy.

Ack!
Gotta hit the road.

(((HUGS))) agent99, sounds like you understand the expectations are shooting you in the foot a bit. it sucks, I know it does. I hope you have a good weekend, make it your own, take charge, no sitting around waiting for him to make plans.

good luck!