Well. You have made me cry. Azzhole. Knock it off. Ahem. Gathering and such. Back to lessons. Okay.
It's okay.
This was read at (what you posted above my FIRST step-fahter's funeral. He died on the day that he was testing his own ultra-flight airplane. He took it up knowing something was wrong. He knew the only way he would find out EXACTLY what was wrong was.... to take her up. And in so doing... he fcked up. However, he knew that would be a chance.
He was also a man who sexually abused me... and I witnessed, as a child... him with a 17 y/o woman. Not that the two connect. Just so you know.
Cac... I have been too many times on the brink of death to ever label it... or get the heck all dramatic over it anymore... jeese.. something that one should not consider... or that one should call extreme. BTDT. Next.
I've pretty much run the gamut... and in saying... I know that I am not done.
I have a cousin. Not really my cousin... but because of age, and marriage schit... we called ourselves cousins.
He... was the most... amazing... person. I loved him then, as I love him now. He is THE most happiest running Mach 3 with his hair on fire. There ain't no mountain high enough for him. That doesn't even enter into the equation. He's a navy pilot. Has been for 20 years. Been to Miramar... teaching there... went to F16s, which he considered a downgrade... back to Miramar... he's now my age and FORCED into retirement. It is causing havooc in his life. As I knew it would. No prob. He just has not emailed me yet.
I was always... the worm with the glasses on.. him at my arm.... being safe in finding a... whatever that was going to sting the SCHIT out of me... and in my stupid unaware fascination with what is... he'd say... squish. Sorry. It was going to sting you.
Me. [censored]. It was not. I was just merely looking.
Him: Trust me... it was going to sting you.
Me: [censored]
Him: Clearly, I am NOT of YOUR tale, so not worth the breath it takes for me to look at you.... so say you... female????... so ... what are we doing next?
What you (and GGB) describe sounds pretty much the way my H feels about scuba diving. There is discipline there and risk and wonder and awe and peace. He gets antsy when he's been away from it too long.
When my H was young (17) he went through a bit of a bad time. His dad had had an A and it seemed like they were on the brink of a D (they're still together and very happy - so it can be done) his dog had just died, he'd split from his GF and her new BF had beaten him up for talking to her.
He was sitting in the dentist's chair and the dentist said "how are you?" and 17yo H just poured his whole heart out. The dentist just said something along the lines of "yeah life sucks sometimes". At that moment H decided - yeah *decided* he could never be happy again.
Do you think when you found out you couldn't fly anymore that you *decided* not to be happy again? You know - that life had let you down and there wasn't really any point trying anymore?
Fran
BTW: I didn't understand a word of Corri's last post either.
Last edited by haphazard; 09/22/0709:56 AM.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I did scuba diving for a few years before I started flying. I found it parallel to the flying in many ways, but it didn't quite push my buttons the same way....partly because here in New England, the visibility in the water is rarely over 15 feet or so, partly because the water is cold here (Although I did go diving a couple of times in January off Marblehead, MA and York Beach ME wearing a 1/4" farmer john wetsuit...for taking pictures), partly because I wasn't in real good physical shape and would therefore be totally exhausted after two dives, and partly because I felt panicky at times when I thought about being underwater (My biggest fear is and always has been not being able to breath, suffocating or drowning are near phobic for me). Nevertheless, I think scuba diving, for someone who gets "addicted" to it, is about the same as flying is for someone for whom that is the drug of choice.
I think I was feeling esoteric and super philosophical...
My cousin flew jets for years. That man is happiest flying Mach 4 with his hair on fire. Period. He was the adreline junkie... I was the book worm... and for whatever reason, he really took a liking to me. We were buds. I think we even got married when we were 8. He wanted to be an astronaut. And that is exactly what he set out to do. He didn't make it... actually, when he found out the program, he didn't WANT to do it anymore... so... he decided to fly jets. And he did, for many years.
He can't fly now. He's been reassigned to a desk job, and when you are in the military, tough noogies. That was so tough on him... flying a private plane after an F14 is like flying a toy... so it isn't just a matter of going up there and piloting around.
The only thing that saves him is that he doesn't see himself ONLY as a pilot. He does not say... I am a pilot that CAN'T fly. Nothing about 'pilot' colors who he is... at his core. He loves to fly. He loves BEING a pilot. He misses it very much.
He's very busy exploring what other things he CAN do that might give him as big a thrill as flying. Tall order, but he's having himself quite a time finding out... To sit and mourn the loss of flying what he wants to fly would completely ruin his life. And he just isn't willing to let that happen.
yes, well...this is an entirely different situation. Without knowing much about your cuz, from what little you've told us, IMO, he hasn't actually lost a thing. He got to be THAT person, and he got to do it for a long long time. Everyone knows, going into it, that flying fighters doesn't last for long. The active military saves most of the gas for the younger guys. as you move up, you move out. It didn't come as any surprise. Another example of this is that all airline pilots have to retire at age 60. You see an obit in the paper of someone that is "only" 60 these days, you say, "gee, he was so young...what happened??". But thems the rules, and everyone knows it.
Unless he was stricken with a serious medical condition, he CAN still fly. something else...somewhere else...even fighter jets, potentially. There are lots of "old guys" flying high-performance fighters in the reserves and national guard. Its kind of counter-intuitive, but thats the way it works. (reserves don't have any "young guys", for the most part). These "senior" guard pilots get more flying time, on a "part time" basis than they ever did as full-time active military. And there's all kinds of other flying. If you're hung up on going mach-2, and nothing else will do...well, that's the attraction to some people. I've known people like that. I never had any desire to light my hair on fire. I'd have been just as happy flying the proverbial "cargo plane full of rubber dog @h!t outta hong-kong". I'm not (oops) an adrenaline junky or "thrill" seeker. thats not what it is, (or was) for me. Your cuz can mourn "not flying the f-14 anymore", and thats certainly understandable. But no one is going to take away his gold wings. That is who he IS and that is who he will always BE, whether he's actually flying, or not.
Oh, and funny how people draw parallels between flying and scuba diving. I was just at an outing with a guy who is an ex-F14 pilot, and someone made that comparison to him. He laughed out loud, HARD...as his laughter slowed, he said, "um...no (chuckle chuckle), its n o t h i n g like that!".
Wow. I didn't know you knew my cousin... better than me, it seems.
The Astronauts go through the same thing. How do you possibly top going to the moon? Sure... it's on the resume now... but you have more than half a life to live on earth. What could possibly do that could beat that?
But it is also a legitimate question. How DO YOU top going to the moon? Or any other thing one might do that puts you in 'the best of the best' situation?
It is even like incredibly beautiful women who think their lives are over, become severely depressed, when they lose their looks to age.
Each of those things are incredibly different, but what is felt by the people when they lose 'THE THING' they think defines them... is the same. And each and every one of them, as part of the process, will try and convince you why, "no, it isn't like that for me... it's different for me, there is no way you could possibly understand... you just don't get it."
Well. No. I'm not the one who isn't getting it. And I don't say that in a critical, cross way.
