Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Now what? Wait it out?

I didn't leave the number. It was a bit funny in a twisted way. She had wanted me to drop some stuff off for her, but I told her I was running out of time as I was going away for the weekend. She texted asking where I was going. I didn't answer. The she texted asking if I was going to our friends' cottage. I answered just "no". She then texted twice asking if the dogs were going to be at my parents'. I said "no, they'll be with me". She then texted to say "you're going off to the boonies? Alone?" I didn't confirm or deny. She hasn't texted since, but I know she's curious. But I also know she is with the OP--my partner's car is in the shop til Wednesday, and the OP is her official chauffeur for the weekend. The OP told a mutual friend that my partner is an "angry person who thinks everyone is out to get her". That's because our friends have been lied to by my partner and they don't appreciate it, but somehow she's finding a way to blame me for turning everyone against her. She's done that all by herself, I'm afraid...

Today's a really bad day. It's just wrong going to the country with the dogs without her. I keep praying in my head for her to wake up and come back. SHe's at the OP's all weekend. I can't stand it. I had to leave the mall because I was crying. The OP is telling her friends that she's not "giving back" the same attention that my parner is showering on her. II keep praying that if my partner doesn't have any sense, tehn the OP will and kick her to the curb. But the OP is saying one thing to her friends, and then letting my partner stay with her... It's just wrong her not being here...

OK--really bad day. Before I was even back from the country she was texting me to find out if I was back because she needed stuff from the apartment. When I got back I dropped the stuff she wanted at the place she was staying thinking she wasn't there, but she was. I tried to make it brief, but she demanded to know if there was anything I wanted to talk about and get out in the open instead of texting and writing letters back and forth. I said for now I'd rather respond to her letter with a letter because it can be read calmly and without getting defensive. She kept at me though and then said that I was the reason for much of what she was unhappy for in our relationship. And while I didn't lose it, I just had to try and give her a bit of a reality check. I probably shouldn't have, but I let myself be goaded into it. I tried to speak calmly when I said that I refuse to let her blame me for her unhappiness. I said that she was unhappy with her, and that it was crystal clear if she had worked on her, all this current situation would have been unnecessary. I laid a lot out there, probably more than I should have. I told her that her current fantasy life is not reality, especially since the OP has been speaking about her in a very unflattering light to others, but clearly saying another thing to her face. I refused to get into details because I didn't want her to hear from me what the OP said (that my partner is way more into this than the OP, that the OP doesn't want to hurt my partner's feelings, that the OP isn't giving reciprocating anywhere close to the feelings my partner is, that my partner is an angry person who thinks the world is out to get her...). She kept saying that SHE knew the truth about the OP, essentially that I was making this stuff up, but I said to let her know I was telling the truth direct from the OP, that I knew she had been calling the OP inappropriately at work, and had therefore contacted the OP many more times than the twice she had copped to. She seemed to take it more seriously and kept asking me what the OP had said. I said that if she was so convinced the OP was truthful, then all she had to do was ask the OP, but to keep in mind that I now know the OP has lied 3 times that I'm personally aware of, and will surely just say that the above things were never said. I told her that she needed to learn how to be happy from the inside and she said she felt more grounded than she'd ever been and was happy now. I said I'd find it a lot easier to buy that if she hadn't gone straight from our home to the OP's to find herself instantly grounded and went from unhappy to happy in mere seconds. I said that she's still looking for others to make her happy, which is why she needs another person, the other person's friends, and the other person's hobbies to call her own. Because she doesn't have all that for herself, and that it made me so sad that she still doesn't get that she doesn't need anyone or anything, myself included, to "make" her happy. She needs to do that for herself. At one point she actually seemed to be listening and really hearing what I had to say and on some level knew that I was being genuine. I said again I could never say never and have no idea what the future holds, but that there would be no hope for friendship or anything until she started being truthful. She then said that she hoped I wasn't entertaining the notion that she'd be back. I said I wasn't entertaining anything, but that I had no idea what the future would bring. The OP is apparently now telling people that they are seeing each other, and is certainly telling my partner that it's "for real" after all these 3 weeks. But to others she's saying what I outlined above. I told her what begins in deceit ends in deceit. I think I cast a seed of doubt in her mind about the OP, but I'm sure she'll forget all about it when they're at the OP's tonight. She did say she was going to get to the bottom of it though, but she's buying what the OP is selling at this point, so I'm sure she'll believe the OP's backpedaling.

She then cried when she said she could count all the friends she has left on one hand, and I said it had nothing to do with what I've said, but that people didn't like how she was disrespecting me and that they didn't appreciate being lied to. I said the fuuny thing was, no matter how often those people dropped her in the past, I was always there for her. And that I still would be. She said "that's because that's the kind of person you are". And I said, "maybe one day you'll appreciate that". I said a lot more, but that's the idea. We ended on an OK note. I said I hadn't wanted to do this like this and that I wanted us to have positive visits, and could we end on a positive not with a hug? SHe gave me a very tight hug and said "I hope you're OK". I didn't really answer, other than to say I'd talk to her later.

So how bad did I blow it? I feel better I got some things out there, but I don't know how this will play out now....

What an idiot (me).

Hey Tara : )

Sorry it's taken me a few days to respond...Email me at:

growingmeATearthlink.net

Hope you are doing okay...I know this is a terribly difficult time for you...I cringe with the thought of how agonizing the first few months were. But trust me - it DOES get better.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Thanks growingme--I've e-mailed, just look for my name in the subject heading.

So...today was not good. I knew she was with the OP for the nigh, all day today, and even as I write this tonight. I know exactly what she's saying and doing because I've been there. She's falling more for this person every day and she's just believing whatever comes out of the OP's mouth. I can't say much because it just sounds like I'm trying to get her back (which I have to say that I am--with the intent that we can work on what went wrong to start new), but it's so hard to stand by and know that she's buying what the OP is selling, and vice versa.

After reading my above post...how bad do you think I blew it? I added to the mess today I think. She e-mailed to tell me that she'd be going to a mutual friend's b-day on Friday and asked if I was going. I was supposed to, but she had also promised to respect my space and not be out where I was until I was ready. I assume she wants to bring the OP. I am not ready for that. I will never be ready for that. I wrote back saying that I would be going to the party and that I'd really prefer she didn't, as she had promised. I then went on to see as long as she was seeing the OP that I wouldn't be comfortable socializing with her. It's just too much for her to expect me to swallow. I then went on to say that the OP was not invited anyway (true, actually specifically not invited), so I thought that given the circumstances that I shouldn't be the one to stay home on account of her hurtful actions. How could she possibly expect me to go somewhere where she's with her new person? She knows I want her back. So I'm not saying it, but she still knows. How can she be so cruel? Not a month ago we were making plans for our annual (Canadian) thanksgiving dinner, and now she's taken up with this person. She's there right now!!! She's sending the OP cards and notes and really pursuing. Is there hope when this is going on to this extent? It kills me that she insists she's so grounded and happy after about 10 seconds of alone time between me and the OP. She has never been so blind before. Why now? She said that if she hadn't met the OP she'd still be here coasting, at which point I said that wasn't a good enough reason to leave if she needed an excuse.

Friends are saying to pack up her stuff, get her to pick it up, send her her half of the bills, get a new phone number and don't give it to her, do not respond in any way to any more texts/e-mails, and cut off contact entirely to let her see what she's missing. But I'm afraid it would be a case of out of sight, out of mind. They think I'm stupid if I don't do all that and if I don't do it, then I'm just wallowing and asking for her to hurt me. But it's not that simple. This isn't a criminal--it's someone I love and care about and want to work things out with. But how can I do that with the OP in the picture and getting larger than life every day? To make matters worse, the OP's b-day is on the 30th, so you know there'll be a great big romantic celebration for that. Knowing she's with the OP makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I just want to tell her to stop, just please, stop what she's doing before it's too late. I see her this Thursday, and I have visions of doing just that, begging her to please stop--can't she see how much it's hurting me? I keep thinking maybe she'll get it, but I know she doesn't care about hurting me. All she cares about is the high she's having right now. This is not good. I have to have a game plan before I see her. How can I compete against this fantastic OP who has no bills and no cares, who plays sports 7 days a week, and paints, and is an architect, and has nothing to do but go out and party, while I do my few sports and hobbies that I can squeeze in between woorking like a maniac to pay the bills she left me with!! How do I compete with someone whose life isn't even real?

Oh I soooo understand this. I am so sorry!!! I feel for you. I am just catching up on your situation but wanted to say hello to you. Sorry you are hurting so much right now.

Thanks--wish you didn't know what it feels like. How have you dealt with this situation? I can't stand it, knowing she's there with the OP being completely mindless to nhow much pain she's causing.

I love the quote in your signature.

You know what? About the OW and H being together, I was in the dark/denial when their physical stuff was going on, but after I knew about it, they continued to see each other (no sex, they had all of our kids together, GROSS) and remained emotionally attached. Talked on the phone A LOT. That was hard enough, it would physically stop me in my tracks when I would think about it, the emotional and the physical stuff. Do you know OM? OW was my friend, so the images about kill me.

And yes, H would be soooo cold and careless when I would tell him how much it hurt me, he would just spit out something about our past relationship. I am so sorry you are going through this.

The reason, I think, that what your friends advise has a chance of working, is that you're not at your best right now. To your partner, at least, you're not an object of romance, but a wounded and pitiable person she probably dimly realizes she's hurt. You're her guilt-object. To change that perception, you have to be less in her life, not more in it. When the OP becomes the reality, and you are the warm memory: that's when you have a chance of reeling her back in. You do not take a risk in making yourself scarce. The only risk for you is in pursuing. It will backfire for you as surely as it will backfire for your partner in her pursuit of the OP. Right now, the dramatic triangle is firing her romance. Your partner is "grounded", she thinks, but she is simply high on drama. Why else would she practically beg you for a passionate, jealous scene?

Once you retreat, in as good order as possible, there's just the two of them, and the problems they create together. You cease to be a "problem" for them, a constant subject of discussion, and, I suspect, criticism. In a weird way, you likely bind them more tightly together. It's only when you can begin to act in unexpected ways---rejecting their script---withdrawing---that you will discover your real power.

But I just KNOW you don't believe it!