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Anyone have rob123's email address???

Tara,

You should pick up "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. It's not counter to DB but amplifies it.

Thanks Lester. Appreciate the passage. So to understand it: we are not to actively pursue anything, it is to come to us instead? How would the other person know there's interest? The more I stand back the farther away she seems to fly. She's on such a high that she doesn't see that everything else is crumbling around her, including her business and friendships. When will she fall?

6-18 months? Sigh... I just can't believe she didn't take out any time to be with herself and grow and be independent,which she said was her ultimate goal. So disappointing...

She will fall when you stop holding the string. Let go of the kite and it will fall! Whether it falls in your yard or not feelings have a tendency not to last too long. I mean if I was still mad over my brother taking my basketball 12 years ago you would think me strange. Same with affairs and infatuation the feelings do fade. What keeps the A going is our actions and their stubbornness and you probably know if your wife is or not. Mine is... she denies it but she is.

On your second point, they all say that. What they mean is they are bored and want excitement. Experience has taught me most people who make a point of saying that they’re independent means that they aren’t – why else seek validation that they are?

Looking all sad and depressed won’t make you more appealing. Heck even if you GAL she may not see it as a reason to come back. The most important point of DB is not to win them back because you CAN’T. So drop that from your mind – they have to CHOOSE you there is no action, technique or book that you can read or do that will make them choose you. The only thing you can do is to live like you were dying (sorry for the lame country reference). This is to insulate YOU and to help YOUR frame of mind. Sitting there wishing her back won’t make YOU feel better or think more clearly. GAL and AS IF are to help you be more confident. Now confidence is attractive, why else would total A-holes get all the girls when they say they want a “soulmate”? Doesn’t jive does it? It’s because women think they know what they want be actually describe what they shun. Not saying be an A-hole but use the books to build your confidence cuz trust me in the end you may or not want her back. But that is the end game… get to a point where you are now the one choosing whether to take her back or not.

Thank you--am going out right now to get the book.

I agree with what you're saying--just seem to be having trouble applying it. I'm strong one second, then she texts or calls (I haven't spoken to her, and only answer texts that ask a direct question)and I'm back to square one. She's left me a letter at my parents' house...ugh. More pain.

Thanks for the advice. If I hear it often enough it may actually sink in...

At times when you aren't feeling strong.. go for a little walk. That's what I do.. I feel it's better to go for a stroll then to sob in front of her. Then when you are feeling confident you can apply the principles. This has two advantages one she always sees the calm you and two you get a much needed break.

I am heading out for a walk right after this. I read the letter she left at my parents. She apologized for being so mean, saying that she wants me to hate her to alleviate the guilt she feels. She then went on to say that it was me who started the conversation that led to her say she was leaving, and said that she immediately felt relieved. That she said what she had been wanting to do for 4+ years (this has changed from 5 months, to 1 year, and now we've jumped to over 4 years). Which is it? All true? None true? She said that the fact the OP gave her an ultimatum the night before was coincidental. That this person she met a month and a half ago is the one she's meant to be with and that she was never happy with our life. But I was there--she truly isn't that good an actress. You can tell in her eyes when she's being genuine, and at most I'd say she felt there were issues for a year, since our financial crisis really kicked into high gear. Of course we weren't fun and light. We had real life to deal with! She has one friend in paricular who cheated and left and is now married to the OP, and that couple is encouraging her to stay with her newfound "soulmate". My partner even said the OP didn't want to hurt me--what am I supposed to do, give a her a prize? If she was so bloody concerned about hurting me then back off and tell my partner to do the same if she has so much more sense than my partner! I'm supposed to think the OP is some great person. She finished the letter by saying that I deserved someone who would love me and appreciate al the great things I bring to a relationship, but she is not that person. If I'm so great, why wouldn't she be that person? She wants me to forgive her and wish her well as she "rediscovers myself, embraces life, and finds true happiness" and wishes the same for me. Is she crazy? She has found true happiness in the two weeks she's physically been with the OP. When did she have the chance to rediscover herself? And it ain't life she's embracing, I'll tell you that! Am I a fool? Is this over? Or is this just another part of the cheater/MLC script? Do I respond to the letter? She is still lying about details, and I know what I lived, despite the fact she is rewriting our history...

I'm going for my walk...anyone care to give me their input? I'd like to be able to sleep tonight...and this forum helps calm my mind...

blah blah blah. Sad but true, it is part of the "cheater/MLC script". So many of the same things have been said to so many of the good people on this board. Spouses/Partners rewrite history. Yup.. mine has flucuated between being in a bad marriage for a year, to being bad for four years, to being bad for almost our entire marriage. I have been a good person, I have been called a B!t@h. I have had the ow tell me to my face how "sorry she is" and that "they never meant for it to happen". THese op are not great people. They are liars. Unfortunately, your partner will have to figure it out for herself that a relationship built on lies is doomed from the start.

Affairs are a rush of emotions, a high.. and that, is what she is living in right now. Sadly, right now she won't listen to a response you from regarding her letter. She is in a "fog". It's like she is high on drugs and no reasoning from you is going to help.

So, until she figures out what she is giving up, what are YOU going to do for yourself? Read the books, make your plan, talk to a DB coach. Good luck.. This sucks for everyone but we do know how you feel.

Tried to pick up a copy of "Love Must Be Tough" as suggested by Lester, but not one store had it! Got a pointless magazine instead, as well as "The Law of Attraction". My partner read "The Secret" and decided that it was telling her to leave and go have an affair. I bought it for her to help help her with her nusiness, and she told me it backfired, showing her that the OP was brought to her because she "put it out there". Crap. Score one more for me.

You're so right when you say the OPs aren't blameless. My partner always heard me say about others in this situation: "the first thing the OP knows about the cheater is that the cheater was willing to betray the love, trust, and commitment of their spouse, and the first thing the cheater knows about the OP is that the OP was willing to help the cheater do it." I wonder if this crosses her mind anytime?

Yes, you're right--she's most certainly on a high...but drugs don't last forever (or so I hope). They must wear off eventually, like the woefully ineffective "sleeping aid" I was prescribed...

And another night begins, my crazy mind picturing the two of them together and my DB-ing self trying to block the thoughts. But the thoughts even come when I do manage to sleep and they wake me up. How do I shut it down when I'm sleeping??

You don't. Time does that. I'm still waiting for time. Sometimes I crazily chant the Serenity Prayer through the night and it makes me sleepy enough to fall back to sleep.