Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW1978-Part 4

WAW,
that is good that your father did come around and have a strong bond now.

I think H's whole attitude with our kids is why I am so ready to forget about working things out with H. If he doesn't want to be in his kids lives more then what could there be between me and him? I don't want to get back together with him only to be going thru this again in another 6-10 years. Like you said if your kids aren't important enough to you then nothing is worth fighting for and that makes for a very shallow person.

Sometimes fathers do wake up when their kids are teenagers and if H is like that and the kids tell him to effe on when they are older then I will stand behind them all the way.

Has he always been this disconnected/disinterested in his kids? Or is it more recently due to his confusion & cloud he is in b/c of OW?

He has always been pretty much like this. He has been good with them from the time they were babies. He did change diapers when he had to and he did get them breakfast and dressed in the mornings. Never made it a point to go out of his way and see them when I took them to bed.

Most of the times he just don't think about what they need. After the split when he would show up at the house, he said hi and bye and gave them hugs but that is it. Since he don't see them hardly, you would think that the times that he does see them that he would be all over them. When he has something to do tho, he would never bother with them. Always my job like if we had a party, he would be running around having a good old time and I always had to keep an eye on them until they went to bed.

This is exactly why I grew so unhappy with him and withdrew from our marriage. He is the type of the person that will do anything for you but just no emotions or affection what-so-ever. He hates all little kid type things or making it a point to show up for the kid plays that the schools put on. His old man was the same way. My MIL told me that the FIL would only do things with the kids if it was something that he wanted to do like fishing or hunting but never once showed up for a swim meet when my H was on the swim team with school. This is the way that my H. He would only go to the zoo or amusement park with them if our friends were going.

Kelley thas really tough to deal with.((Hugs))

Its too bad your H handles the children in that manor...unfortunately it sounds like he had a poor role model. He probably has a notion thats how fatherhood should be.

I really hope he wakes up for the kids sake. I can see why you are ready to wash your hands of the whole mess.

Yeah then maybe this won't continue this pattern when my son grows up and gets M w/ children.

Journaling:

H finally made good on his promise. Pretty sure he went on date last night. He made a big deal about getting out of the house and getting ready to go somewhere while I was packing up D4 for the next couple of nights. I didn't think anything of it...except the man hasn't left the house for a social anything in years. I ended up having to call because D4 broke her DVD machine and I had no idea how to fix it. She was having a complete meltdown. I called and he was at a bar. I could here the DJ or whoever talking in back ground. I was surprised. Then I was somewhat excited...wow he actually is GAL. Then a little irritated that this was one of the big problems in our M. He never wanted to do this stuff and def didn't want me doing it. So why all of sudden is he interested in doing this, esp since he never wanted to do it with me? No pun intended he never wanted to do ANYTHING with me.

I guess this is just one of those things. For years he wouldn't go to therapy, I leave, he wants therapy. Would never be social, now I am gone and he wants to date someone else...now he's a social butterfly. I really feel like he just doesn't want to work on this anymore. Its one of those clarifying moments that I think we all have...oh, he wasn't attracted to me, controlled me, belittled me, never treated my like an equal, put me down physically, did not have a physical relationship with me for years...Hello, someone hit me with a 2'4. Tell me again why I should want to be involved with this donkey? Its becoming very clear to me, that not only is the problem his, it seems that his problem was not be into me...

I am not going the next 3 years of my life being lonely. It may be time to cut & run as they say. I am already out of the house, he has told me he wants to date others. Why should I sit home and pick apples while he is out trying to date other people?

Obviously he wants to be physical with someone...just not me. Why bother dating if that was really the problem to begin with?

Thats my mini rant for the day.

Check his place for a copy of DB/DR. Sounds like he's using it on you! And it sounds like it's working!!

WAW,
We have alot of similarites in our sitch and I have the same thing that you have about why would I want the H back because of the way that I was being treated.

When we were together, I didn't care about going out with others all that much unless something big was planned and unless something was going on with friends we never just planned on getting a baby-sitter and just going out for drinks. He always wanted to get out but I was content at just being home with the kids. After this whole ordeal and when he has the kids, I just got to get out now and go have fun. Sounds like your H is going thru the same.

WAW,

I get how your feeling. I ask myself constantly why do I want to be w/ this man who does not know how to show love and only verbal and physical abuse.

I guess its true this spanish song says-(it sounds better in spanish)- old habits ar stronger than love. In other words its what we know(our H) what we are use to.

chicki you are so right it is so hard to break out of old habits and routine. That is why people suffer for years and years in a strained marriage.