Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it... again

Thanks, again, everyone. What would I do without you ladies beating some sense into me?

MK, I was thinking this same thing. How can their relationship possibly last? We haven't been married 10+ years like a lot of people here. Our whole history is only a little more than 5, but it is fully packed. Of all his girlfriends, I'm the one he married. We have two beautiful children. We have also grieved the loss of two pregnancies (one at 17 weeks). I was the one who went through mourning his mother's death with him. I was there in the beginning struggles of starting his career. I have to believe these things have built some sort of foundation. All of this crap and detritous piled on top is just that--a mess that needs to be cleaned up, composted, and mixed with the soil for new growth.

Clean up is relatively easy. Composting (healing) takes time, but it is worth it. In the end, with the proper care, you have a blossoming garden.

Patience is not one of my best attributes. I want it now. That's why I tend to "fix" things. I have a hard time waiting for others to figure it out.

I started reading The Five Love Languages. Talk about a 2X4 to the head. If I hadn't been so dense, I could have "fixed" things a long time ago. In the beginning he said she listened to him. Even though I would sit with him for long periods of time talking, I realize that I wasn't listening the way he wanted because I always had to put my 2 cents in. He took this as criticism. I thought I was just adding to the convo. He told me this, more than once. I just didn't get it. Ug!

Then I would go on about all the things I do to show him I love him and guess what? He didn't get it! Now look where we are.

Also, as I'm sure everyone's realized, I am more than a little bitter with resentment. I am not yet at a place where I can control this. I'm still praying for lwb's nerves of steel, Morgan's compassion, and MK's kick ass no nonsense beacon of light.

So, I am going dark. This time it is for myself, not a calculated manuever. I need time and space to work through what I am feeling. I'm going to take care of me, not to show him how good I am but because I feel neglected and need to show myself some care. I need to re-connect with my kids. I have spent so much energy chasing H that I feel I haven't been there for them. I take care of their basic needs, but have been missing the magic.

In the meantime, I can only pray that H and OW get on each other's nerves. Maybe he is at the school, giving money, and buying groceries b/c she is pressuring him? Now he has over two weeks til he gets paid, so she will have to support him. I don't know, but I do know that he loves and misses his kids. He's only going to put up with that for so long.

MK, I don't know what to do about ending the cycles with our kids and dealing with abandonment. H came from a very solid home with, as far as I know, no infedelity. He had uncles that strayed, and it is looked at as a shame to the whole family. They are very traditional. H was molested by an uncle also (only once, thank God). His brother was molested on an ongoing basis by a different uncle. These things were kept hush hush and never discussed. What happens in the family, stays in the family. They still see this uncle and act as if nothing is wrong. It drives me crazy.

My family was a mess. My mother was an alcoholic. My father a drug addict. Both had affairs. My father had a child with another woman. As a child I walked in on both of my parents (at different times) engaging in sexual acts with other people. My parents divorced when I was 9.

So here I am trying with all that I have to give my kids a better life. I am clean and sober. I married a man whom I thought had strong work and family values. However her I am, and here my kids are--in a broken home.

Since Saturday, S2 keeps going outside climbing on chairs (the ladder is gone) looking for his father over the wall.

There is only so much we can control. All we can do is make the best lemonade we can with the lemons we have. The truth is, your H did abandon your D. Hopefully it is not permanent. What is important is that she knows it is not her fault, that it doesn't make her unworthy or unlovable. He didn't do it because he didn't love her. It is him, not her. It is not ok, but it is just the way it is. What else can we do?

Morgan, I emptied storage, and I have H's stuff put aside. It was already in boxes. I left him a v-mail yesterday letting him know. He hasn't responded. Just as well, b/c I'm not ready in interact with him right now.

Ok you have a lot more to deal with than I previously realized.

My BFF mentioned that we may recreate the pain our parents' R in our own R to test if we can fix it. It sounded like psychobabble at the moment but in a way it seems crystal clear that I did do a lot of testing. I may have really pushed my H out to see if he could handle my dysfunction. Does that make sense? I do not come from a perfect family so I chose someone who appeared to come from a perfect family. No such thing. Where my family was open about the alcoholism and infidelities, his hkept it secret. They even hide pictures of his dead brother???? This taught my H to shut up and stay guarded. While I have diarrhea of the mouth and try to make connections with everyone. Opposites attract, then drive each other nuts.

Just like your H and his background of family values and strength, but scratch the surface, look at the deep wounds from all that secrecy.

You sound much more open about your history than him. He may feel the need to start over with someone else who does meet that love language, but THAT IS TEMPORARY. Remember, a spouse in MLC leaves a competent person for a weak person for an ego boost. Keep reading th elove languages and do the infidelity 101 research. It is a pattern so arm yourself with the patterns of all the DBers that have success stories. You can save your family if you have the strength and patience.

The way I see it, a better man will come into your life. It could be the old one or it could be a bew one. Either way you can make things better for you and your kids now thatyou know the 411.

neph, wow, you have so much you are dealing with here. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I'm a little out of it tonight. just know you are already doing better than your parents before you. you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, and your children are lucky to have you.

neph, you have laid out some good goals (even if they aren't listed, they are in your last post), so I would work on those. Doing things for yourself might feel odd or forced at first, but then you will realize you have become a happier and stronger person.

I am thinking I need to buy The Five Language book.

Thank you, everyone.

I had a pretty good day. Work was really busy and I spent some time sorting through storage stuff. It was kind of exciting to pull out stuff that's been put away for so long. It was sad separating pictures.

The kids and I had white bean chili and I made bread pudding. That was a treat. We did movie night. S9 and S2 had trouble agreeing on something to watch. We ended up watching a Rugrat video. Doesn't matter. It was fun.

H tried to call right before dinner "returning" my call from yesterday. I didn't answer, but the v-mail said he didn't call yesterday b/c he was in a "bind" trying to figure out which bills to pay with no money. Give me a break. What bills? I pay the bills. The only new one is his cell phone which, I believe from my previous snooping, isn't due til next month. He didn't call/answer b/c he was at the school. Funny that he was calling on Friday evening though. Thought they'd surely be out.

Anyway, he said he went to storage but the office was closed and he couldn't find out where his stuff is. WTH? My v-mail said I emptied storage and I had his stuff at the apartment. He would have to call me and make arrangements to pick it up if he wanted it. This man is driving me crazy. I don't want to call him, but I feel like I have to respond regarding his belongings. I think I'll just send a brief e-mail reiterating my original message.

MK, I know what you mean about testing/creating our R situation. I have contemplated this. In the beginning, when he was confused and I probably could have pulled it back together, I just went nuts on him. I really went nuts. I made it so much bigger than it had to be. I made a mountain of a mole hill, a tsunami out of a ripple. He may have constructed the gallows, but I carried out the execution. I'm going to take your advice and use my dark time to do more research.

lwb, I highly recommend the Five Love Languages. I can't even really put it into practice at the moment because it would probably be taken as pursuing, but it really does give insight into how to meet each other's emotional needs. I might test the waters, in the future, VERY subtly. Your sitch is different though. I think it would be very good to have in your artillary

neph--
The 5 love Languages book is awesome--but we can't apply any of it while there is another person involved. We currently do not have a R, as OT would tell me.

Concentrate on you...you have been doing incredible. There is also a lot of info about Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) out there, and you may find it eye-opening. We do take on much more of the blame than we really deserve.

And you did the right thing with going legal. I filed the next day after discovering the A. If he could lie so blatently to my face for so long, I couldn't trust anything that he promised he would or wouldn't do. His guilt worked in my favor by doing it early--he agree to the amount of $ I needed to keep the household running, and a no-contact clause between OW and the kids. I also agreed to not expose the kids to anyone I were to meet. This pendente lite motion stays in place until the court date in Nov, and then it can be extended. It helps by also showing precedence--he has been paying x amount of dollars, keeping the no-contact, and the sitch hasn't changed "in a substantial way."

I HATED having to file--but I had to protect the kids. Even with that, he tried to reduce the support and eliminate the no-contact on the day the papers had to be signed (it is something that both parties have to agree to, if it is beyond what the court would have ordered). We had to go back again a week later, after I pressured him into reminding him that he had given his word.

They are out of their minds. Act accordingly.

Thanks, Donna. My L says that here in Cali, there is nothing I can do about no contact with OW. This makes me hesitate to put anything in writing. Right now, I have complete control unless he makes the effort to cancel direct deposit. With the kids, my L says I don't have to let him take them. Under the circumstances, I can justify this based on their age, the fact they are nursing, and he has no residence. Even though I know he is staying with her, he insists he is living out of his van-not suitable quarters for overnight stays w/kids. If he really wants it, he will be forced to file and get his visitation rights in writing, but he's too caught up in OW right now. He rarely asks to see his kids. Last weekend was a fluke.

I've been very careful with the money I have. If he doesn't give me a dime next month, I will be ok while my L goes after him. Plus, I have credit cards which he doesn't have. He has no credit on his own. He is out of his share of the money. OW will have to support him completely for the next two weeks. I'm gonna let them deal with the pressure, I don't have to do anything right now. They are creating their own pressure on their R. She's going to get tired of supporting him, and he's going to start missing his kids. At least, that is my hope.

No there may be no way to enforce it but that does not mean you can not bring it up in mediation and put it in writing. It is not a legal and binding contract, more like an agreement that the childen have no contact with cohabitation non married person for fill in the blank 3-12 months after the divorce? That sounds good to me and I would agree to that. If we presuppose that there has been no infidelity and no R talk about OP than we can presuppose that good people do not sleel around with OP until they are no longer married. It would help the children transition if the people parents date not be introduced until after an alotted time post divorce. Plain and simple, don't bring in a new person until you know it is a stable R. Otherwise that will obly hurt the children further. Plus, children already feel betrayed enough, as though we have taught themthat mommy and daddy love each other, oops no they don't.

No, there may be no way to enforce it but that does not mean you can not bring it up in mediation and put it in writing. It is not a legal and binding contract, more like an agreement that the childen have no contact with cohabitating non married persons for fill-in-the-blank 3-12 months after the divorce? That sounds good to me and I would agree to that. If we presuppose that there has been no infidelity and no R talk about OP than we can presuppose that good people do not sleep around with OP until they are no longer married. It would help the children transition if the people parents date not be introduced until after an alotted time post divorce. Plain and simple, don't bring in a new person until you know it is a stable R. Otherwise that will only hurt the children further. Plus, children already feel betrayed enough, as though we have taught them that mommy and daddy love each other, oops no they don't.

I am now off the soap box. Everything I wrote is just a fantasy but hey I am sticking to it. Next week Oprah will have an expert on talking to kids about divorce.

I had my cell off, but apparantly H has been trying to reach me since 8:10 AM. rwo text messages and two v-mails. Says he's been trying to reach me for 2 days. He hopes everythng is ok and wants to know how the kids are. Um, yeah, last night he left a msg re: storage. I sent an e-mail at 2 AM this morning stating he may pick up his things here if/when he wants, but I need min 1 day notice. He's been trying to reach me less than 24 hrs. Two days? Ha! He is delusional.

Everyone be proud of me, I did not call back. I sent him a Text msg, so he doesn't show up over the wall again. The text said to check his e-mail and the kids are great. He responded immediately. "K. Thanks"

I'm seeing a pattern here. Two of the 3 kid visits have been on Saturdays. Now it's Sat, and he's trying to reach us again. Why can't he come see them during the week while she's at work?

Speculation (I know, I can't help it LOL):
1. She is not available on Sat, so he wants to see his kids by default. Could this mean she is still w/ her BF and has to spend time w/him? They only have their work week together? Could her BF be so naive to beliee they are really just griends, and let my H stay there? That's just too weird.
2. He wants to see the kids and her at the same time. Yuck!

The first Sat visit, they were here for most of the day. Then H took S2 out for 3 hours, supposedly to his aunt's. I don't know if this is true. Second visit was supposedly a 6 hour trip to the park till after dark (on a Tuesday afternoon). Hmmmm. Don't know about that one either. Last Saturday, was the mysterious hotel sleep over in Riverside...

Anyway, when he ASKS to see the kids, I am going to say he may see them during the week in the mornings for the convenience of our schedule. Setting some boundaries. Going to try to set up a regular schedule :T, Th, Fr. Also, no more overnights at this time. I won't accuse him. I'll just say it is because they are too little to be away from home and mama. This should get us through the end of Oct when he goes back to work. I can justify no weekends b/c I have S9 and have made an agreement w/his father that there will be no contact for him with my H. S9 and H have a rocky history, to say the least. As an extra bonus, I will cut into his time w/OW and he'll have to find something else to do on the weekends. That paart's a gamble if they have thw weekends together, but the arrangement is more comfortable for me.

What do you guys think of this plan?