Me 37 Husband 43 M 12 years Daughter 13 Son 11 Bomb Jan 2006 OW(possible X-OW) 28 and 7 months pregnant
I haven't posted on here in months. I first came to this website in February of 2006. I won't try to rehash all that has happened during the last year and a half. Even though all of our situations are different, they are oddly familiar to all of us too. Needless to say, my husband is still in a mid-life crisis.
After breaking up with his OW in October of 2006, he spent the next four months telling me he wasn't sure what he wanted. Christmas was a very emotional time for us as he seemed closer to me and the kids than ever before. He begged me not to walk away or give up on him, then at the end of January 2007, he ended up choosing divorce over reconciliation. He went back to the other woman for exactly one week before ending it with her again. In March he filed for divorce, and then in April he informed me that the OW was pregnant with his child. Things were rough for both of us during this time, about a month went by with him leaning on me because the OW was being difficult with him, and she refused to prove the pregnancy.
In June, it all fell apart, he told me he was going to go back to the OW because "that child deserved a father just like our kids had when they were little," and we basically stopped talking to each other. OW refused to take him back because she wasn't sure she could trust him. Contact between him and our kids has become almost zero. The OW has been difficult with him, and has demanded that he stay away from her during the pregnancy. He has not seen her since April when she broke the pregnancy news to him. I will admit she knows how to play the game, because this has only made him rebuild the fantasy he had in his head. She can do no wrong, and I am an evil, conniving, manipulative b#@** that ruined his life.
In two weeks, we have the final hearing for our divorce. In two months, his other woman will give birth to his daughter. I am struggling to deal with everything that has happened within the last two years. I guess I need to center myself again and my first thought was to come back here. Coming to this board was my salvation during those first dark days after finding out about the other woman. I learned to get a life when I was here, and I did great with that until recently when I realized that my "get a life" still hinged on "get a life, but not too much of one in case he comes back." My husband is not coming back, and I need to get a life for real this time.
Whether or not anyone has any helpful comments or not, I still intend to journal here during the next few weeks as I face the end of my marriage, and the beginning of my new life. Thank you to anyone who helped me before when I was here, and thanks to anyone reading this now.
You will get through this. You are not alone. Its so unfair the effect that they can have on us. How come it is so easy for them to move on and not us?
Take Care of yourself.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I am so sorry to hear you are in the sitch you are in.
I just wanted to let you know that I have been divorced for a year and it took the finalization of signing on the dotted line to set me free of XH's MLC.
I went on to go back to school and get a job. I finally GAL because I wanted to, not to get my H back and it was wonderful.
So glad to see you back and from what I have read from your post you are one smart cookie. You are a great writer and have a good head on your shoulders...
We are all here from you and if you need a ((cyber hug,)) just ask..
I am so sorry for the difficult road you have been through. I'm glad you're back to post, as I wonder about you often.
Please keep posting, if you feel it is good for you. We are here to support you. Always.
I'm so sorry about H going back and forth. I think this has little to do with you and her, rather him dealing with poor choices by making MORE poor choices.
But, there's a baby now. That turns everything around and let's you go.
Think of this as being let go. His choices, life, new child and R with OW are not your life anymore. They are not the messy, sordid drama that can hurt or taint you and the kids.
In the coming weeks, please try to distance from H. I have a feeling he will be very emotional and it's no longer your job to reach out and be his friend....rather it's your job to GAL, get centered and protect the kids and rebuild your new family unit.
Stay strong.
It will all be better, much better than we imagined.
I knew coming back here was the right thing to do. I could feel myself gaining strength with every word I read. It brings tears to my eyes that everyone here can be so optimistic, and positive in the middle of such turmoil. But then again, I am learning that we are the lucky ones, it is our spouses/x-spouses who have the longer road to travel. Some of us are just starting our journey, some are well on the road, and some of us have already reached our destination. But the point is, we all got on that road, and we kept moving. It is the ones who stall out in MLC and make no effort to keep the traffic flowing that end up living a life of misery.
It's not the destination, it's the journey.
Kissak- It is unfair, but I have learned that they aren't actually going anywhere when they profess to have moved on, it's just an optical illusion created from watching their wheels spin in place.
Lissie-You are such a kind and wonderful woman. I have stopped into the boards from time to time just to read your threads. I miss you too, and I will take you up on that offer to call you sometime. I really enjoyed our chat last time, you have a very calming effect.
Was2-Oh how I've missed you! I know I'm not your only girl, but you make every one of us feel so special. Your posts always seem like insights into the soul. Ever think about writing for a new branch of Hallmark cards? You know, the new one that will market cards specifically to those poor souls who have had their lives touched by MLC?
myturnnow-I have a feeling signing on that dotted line will release me. It's good to hear it from someone who's been there. A cyber hug is always needed, and always appreciated. Thanks.
Always-The baby does let me go. It was the one thing I knew when this all started that I wouldn't be able to move past. Sometimes I feel like it's God's final push to get me to move forward. And as much as I do view it as more sordid drama, I know in my heart it is his problem, and it can't really hurt me or my kids.
Last Friday marked the fourteenth anniversary of the night my husband and I first met. I haven't checked my horoscope for a very long time, but I did on Sunday, and it sent chills down my spine.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Saturn's entry into your 7th House of Partnerships can signal the culmination of work that you began about fourteen years ago when it was in your sign. Some things will reach fruition during this time; others will not work out the way you expect. Don't dwell on any failures; just eliminate anything that is not working for you. The more you can focus your energy and resources, the greater the rewards will be.
I'm just now reading this. I am very sorry it has turned out this way. I can't imagine how you feel. Well, I have an idea. I definitely think you have the right outlook, that this baby does give you the go-ahead to move on for good. Be assured that the mess he has created won't be fun. The ow didn't want him around her during the pregnancy? Wow, sounds like one fabulous relationship. I will pray that things go as smoothly for you as possible. It's time to make a new life for you, away from all of this. So many of us eventually face that turning point. We're all here to support you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
It's over. As of 9:45 yesterday morning, I am divorced. Two years from the time my XH meet his OW, until now. It was a long road with many ups and downs, but now the ride is over.
I have no regrets about trying to save my marriage, even down to the eleventh hour I held out a sliver of hope and stood for my marriage. I remained 100% faithful the 14 years we were together. My XH gave up a long time ago, even though deep down in his heart I don't think he believes that this end is really the end, this is the line I drew, and I can't cross it again.
I did not come out great in the divorce settlement, but there was no fight left in me. I can't say that my XH did a lot better, he will pay half my attorney fees, have visitation every other weekend, pay insurance for the kids, and pay monthly child support. I get anything that is currently in my possession, and he gets anything currently in his. No fights.
The kids are already refusing to go with him every other weekend, but then again, he hasn't done anything with them since last May. It will be a fight with both him and them, but I know they need to see him no matter how badly his behavior has been. At 12 and 13, they have strong opinions and as my daughter told me yesterday, "you can't make me like him, or dislike him, I have a mind of my own."
Not even divorced 24 hours, and he started in with texts this morning asking if it was possible for us to stop fighting because he was worn out. I agreed, then he started in on how I was manipulating the kids. He is still very angry about his relationship with the OW falling apart. He says that my "spoiler plan" worked, and that she won't see him anymore. I guess my "spoiler" was telling her that he had been sleeping with me all through their relationship, and that we were not as close to divorce as he had told her. I guess the truth ruined their relationship as much as it ruined ours.
He is still deep in the tunnel after making a brief appearance last Christmas, and last spring. But the OW's baby drove him back in. He doesn't remember about half of what he has said over the last two years. According to him this has been cut and dry since last October, he was in love, wanted a divorce, and he never had a doubt about it. I guess that's why he put it off for a year and a half, continued sleeping with me, told me not to give up on him, and broke it off with the OW so many times.
Yesterday right before we met for court, he sent me a text saying he was sorry for any pain the kids and I were going through. He still can't admit he caused that pain, I guess the day he can, will be the day he faces his demons. Until then, he will be chained to the MLC monster, but I am finally free. Or I guess I have a longer leash at least, because as long as we have to parent together, I will still have to come into contact with the beast.
I have had a report from another person that used to be on this board, who divorced a year ago, moved on with their life, got engaged, only to witness the WAS come out of the tunnel. His WAS told him that if he had given her the time and space she needed, they would be together today. But unfortunately few of us have that much time and space, and sometimes, like in my situation, that time and space fills up with more complications.
Good luck to anyone still trying to save their marriage through DBing, it didn't save my XH, but it did save me.
