Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Do wonders never cease?...

Theo,
I get what you are saying and I agree with most of it. The problem is when I talk to my DB coach her recommendations are a bit different because H is still at home, wearing his wedding ring, etc. - more in than out as she says. So, yes.. I have set some additional goals that I'm not comfortable writing here and a deadline. We'll see what happens in the next month with my change in approach. I'm not against an ultimatum in the near future.

In the meantime, I need some opinions. I have a lunch set up with a male friend who I haven't seen for a while. It's purely platonic (at least on my side) but this friendship has always made my H nervous for some reason. Should I tell H about the lunch? If so, how do I bring it up?

Personaly, I would tell him. It is a way of showing that you believer there should be no secrets in M. By "showing by example", at least he knows that you are not hiding anything.

Now, I would be very careful about how/when to bring this up. If you make it too "official", it may seems like there is something going on when at least you know you are not. Has he ever expressed the fact that he does not like you going out with him? If so, then telling him in a more official way may be OK because you know he does not like it but you are doing it anyway. But if he never said/showed anything explicitely, then I feel somehow picking an opportunity while you two are chit chatting to tell him you are going out to lunch with so and so. then see how he reacts. I would not bring up anything like "see, you are hiding things, I am not." or any issues with OW contact. Simply you are going out to lunch with a friend, but it just happens that it's this male friend this time. Nothing special.

This is just my opinion. My H seems a bit more nervious now when I go out with my ex-coworkers (who are mostly male). Before he could care less. Now he asks questions like "is he married? how old?" type of questions. It's funny to see his actions at times.

Enjoy your lunch.

Hi LO!
I would just go and then mention it in passing during a later conversation. Something like... "When we were having lunch the other day, John told me that the neighborhood watch committee is reforming."

This way, you are not hiding anything, but you are also being mysterious and he will start questioning what else you are doing that he is not aware of. Let him be the one always wondering what you are up to rather than the other way around.

SD

Lonely Olive,

I am confused by your situation because sometimes it sounds like your H has chosen you, and then sometimes I read it as he's still with her. So I don't know if you are at a place where this suggestion will help you.

If you two are a couple, and other woman is just orbiting like a moon, then I suggest that you two go to a Retrouvaille weekend. If you have good results, like at least 75% of the people who go to the weekend, it will bond the two of you as a couple. And he will see that she is nothing to him. Look on the website http://www.retrouvaille.org for dates and locations for the weekends. You can read Limbo and EdieMarie's threads to see how it turned around their rocky relationships in only 2 days. If you could get him to agree to go, this has the potential to end the torment that you have been living in, and make him see what he has been doing. All without you telling him about it. It could be the best spent 2 days of your life.

Sara,
You think you're confused. You should try living in this nut house!

I recently kind of mentioned in passing going to a "couples intensive" weekend. He wasn't opposed but wasn't hyped either. I have been on the Retrouvaille site before and it certainly seems like it could help us. Thanks for the advice



That is a perfect description!!!

Ok.. I think I'm going to tell him kind of in passing after the fact that went to lunch with this dude. Like you said SuperDad, then I'm not hiding anything but...

Lovelyolive,

I was reading your thread, and think how the retrouville weekend may help you both.
My H and I did it this past weekend, and it was a wonderful experience, it can only help! It can't do any further harm, it will help you to learn how to communicate in a better way that neither partner will see as being threatening.
It really has seemed to help my H and I, we sit each night and talk, and tell each other our feelings, and no one has become defensive, angry or hurt...it helps!
We start our post sessions tomorrow, and we are both looking forwarded to them, I think its because it will continue to build on the past weekend and improve things.
Please really give this weekend some serious thought, it may help with some of the pain you feel, it certainly has helped me to let go some of mine, in fact alot of it!

LO,

Not opposed to the weekend qualifies as an enthusiastic response! Now just tell him you are booking it.

LO

Let him know about lunch in passing like SuperDad said. Something like when I was having lunch with John the other day he mentioned yada, yada, yada. You will know what to say and when.

Faith

LO,

I'm not sure what I'd do about the lunch.... on one side you don't want secrets, especially when piecing, however you also don't want to give him ammo for thinking it's OK to keep things going with OW. I don't know if that's what it would do, but I know when I'm feeling confused about my own situation sometimes I'll use my husband's behavior to validate mine. For example, if my husband is having dinner after work with friends (and I know that means drinks at a bar and I imagine although I don't think so... possible flirtation if women are around), then I send a group text to my girlfriends arranging to meet for martinis. I think my husband has worked though his feelings that the grass is not greener on the other side, but because I've gone though so much I sometimes wonder if I could ever go there. I would have never in the past, but too much has happened, and because my husband isn't a great communicator, hasn't shared info on his relationship with OW, there are times I think it gives me liscense to say... well he doesn't tell me so why should I tell him things. Intellectually I know that's not healthy and childish, but there's this part of me that thinks, if this is the situation then that's how it is and that's how I can and should be. Logically I think I know better then to fall into something, but I can also see where I need to be careful as well. I hope that makes sense...