During my separation and divorce... I was chugging along pretty even keeled on survival chemicals. Dam it, I am good at that.
6 months after the final papers were signed... and I was pretty much 'done' organizing and putting my life in 'order,' other than getting down to the business of living and charting a new course... peace and calm was established.
And I seriously crashed. Depression, lethargy, anxiety, trouble focusing and sleeping... and this is what the MD's call PTSD... post traumatic stress disorder. You don't have to live through a war, or even a divorce, to get it. The chemicals in your body that were getting your 'through,' are still there, and now... attacking you, instead of helping you.
There is something to be said for striving for balance and calm... problem is, the mind gets horribly bored. After all, the number one function of the thinking mind is to solve problems. And in the midst of calm, when it doesn't have a problem to solve... it will CREATE ONE, just so it can have a problem to solve. Drama. Excitement. Positive or negative, it doesn't care...
One way to alleviate this is to create and explore novel situations in your life. I'm not necessarily talking about 'Getting a Life,' and 'What Makes ME Happy,' kind of stuff. I'm talking about consciously taking your R to a deeper, more positive place. And one way to do that is through Radical Honesty. If you have not yet read the book, I'd get it. Radical honesty is not easy. And it can make you feel extremely vulnerable and exposed. It is also quite thrilling to finally be the you that you are underneath all the masks... and let your H see it. I personally think it would be good for him to do as well. Guys get pretty gigged by it once they learn how to do it.
Makes sex... AWESOME.
It's like taking a walk on the 'wild side' in the privacy and comfort of your own home.
You could go to an MME or Retrouville weekend with your H (don't know why people think the only time they can/should go to one of those things is when there are problems or troubles... you can go for maintenance and growth, too). You could take a 'Tantric Sex' workshop with your H... something that would be completely new and novel for both of you... something that will push you both to explore deeper, further... (I'd go to one rather than just watching a tape... )
If you don't GROW your R, it is going to start to deteriorate again... you've got the garden soil back to where it needs to be to grow plants... now you have to start planting new seeds, weeding, watering... NURTURING each other.
Personally, I'd tell him all this stuff you just wrote here. But I'd put it in a way that you are just expressing how you are feeling, and not blaming him for anything.
Quote:
When I am in this mode, I resent H and his neediness. I forget what it's like to be in HD shoes. I begin to think that my H is this narcissist who wants me to feed his ego. I feel engulfed by his needs, and I don't want to give.
And to me, this is not coming from your H or anything he is doing. This is really a feeling sorry for yourself statement, and perfectly understandable, too. It is coming from your unwillingness to be honest with yourself and with him. SAY IT OUT LOUD to him. Make sure he and you understand that no one has to DO anything about it... you aren't blaming him... you just need him to listen, so he knows where you are at, and you are doing x, y, z to work through it. If he wants to try and help you, great. LET him. If not... just give him a glimpse into your mental frame of mind so he doesn't PERSONALIZE it.
Lil, I usually guess how someone will react to what I say, but I have been wrong a few times.
I do follow-ups to cover my bases. With BB I have a lower success rate guessing what the reaction might be, so covering my base/explaining my general intention has sometimes been almost a requirement. Maybe not a requirement, but something I do to lower the negative reaction I might get in some situations.
Heck, I practically insulted you. But, Lil, I think I know some of your intentions. I remember some of your posts to Hairdog and me saying how much Ms. HD and BB's actions riled you.
Reading your post and me thinking something similar to reverse psychology, I got a different meaning than what appears in your above post at face value.
Go off somewhere and meditate on this, grasshopper. Possible meditation subjects.
No need to qualify any thing I post to Lil. She is a big girl, knows the ropes, can take care of herself, and doesn't need to be coddled. She also knows what is a humorous response VS a putdown.
What does it take to insult Lou? Where are his boundaries, he needs firmer ones.
More meditating....."Somewhere, there is a chile you cannot eat."
Lou, there's a saying "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got, so if you want change, do ANYTHING different."
Originally Posted By: Lou
I do follow-ups to cover my bases. With BB I have a lower success rate guessing what the reaction might be, so covering my base/explaining my general intention has sometimes been almost a requirement.
Many of us have made suggestions about small things that you could do differently just on the off chance that the results might be different.
Why is it a REQUIREMENT that you cover your bases and/or explain yourself?
Why not try, as an experiment, NOT covering your bases. Just have your first reaction and then DON'T explain, disclaim, apologize (if no apology is needed) cover your a$$, or anything. Just have a reaction and let it lie there, twitching in the sun in front of God and everybody. Don't excuse or explain.
Let yourself be misunderstood. Let your motivations be questioned. Let bad intentions be attributed to you. Let BB or someone else just look at you, shake their head, and walk away. So what? See how it feels.
Corri and Cobra, Thank you for getting me thinking. I knew I could rely on those type 5/6 investigative minds!
Here's what I am thinking: I am working too hard to create comfort, which shuts me down sexually. I have to try to leave a little room for tension and drama, but not let it get out of hand, in order to keep some spice and interest in the relationship. It reminds me of Schnarch's growth and comfort phases...I need a way of integrating the two.
Cobra, I do think my H got energized by me back in the day, and when I shut down, it was abandoning to him. He was the one to do this chaotic thing, have the affair, but at baseline he was the more calm one. And I am angry that instead of trying to help me with my depression, he escaped in this way. But the tension of all that did bring us closer, and now that things are better, I feel that familiar numb LD feeling. Maybe it is boredom.
Corri, the Radical Honesty thing sounds interesting...kind of like pushing the emotional limits, and that is a thrill and growth, esp for a type 4. Thanks for the suggestion. I just may be at another level in the game.
RJ, I've seen you mention recently that your H had an affair... I don't remember that from your past posts. Was it a PA or EA?How did I miss this? I thought I had followed your sitch pretty closely.
You know Lil, I don't think I talk much about it here, probably due to embarrassment over the fact that I missed the boat for so long. And getting into the details hasn't been a path I chose to take, rightly or wrongly. But the OW is someone who worked in his office about 5 yrs ago; after less than a year she left, and apparently was struggling to get new employment ( she has a history of job instability). She contacted my H ( singled him out from 5 married male doctors working there...guess he was projecting those vibes)to " help" her with an application. Apparently she was " just a friend " for awhile, however, I was never told about their lunches, and indeed never knew about her at all. And so it began...an emotional and physical entanglement.
Oh ,and thank you NOP, for never once saying " I told you so."
I am very proud of you for talking about it. I know that is hard.
If there is anything I can do for you, just let me know.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
