Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #6

that and the promise of a new hotwheel. yeah, I bribe my kids...1st pee/poop on the potty yields a new toy. it works, usually. he is still sitting there, singing about hot wheels. he won't budge off it, says we are going to target today. stubborn little guy, my son.

so I have plenty of time to think today. I realized earlier that it is 6 months today since I found out about H's affair. wow...6 months. in some ways it feels like a minute, in others, years.

I rememeber very well the day when I realized my h was having an affair. he had been in boston for a week prior for business. yes, we live not too far outside of the city, but typical for him to spend a few nights at least in the city that time of year. this was longer, the whole week. and that whole week he had seemed distant/preoccupied when he called on the phone. I knew something was up, but just figured it was business stuff. it wasn't till he got home that I even suspected anything. he hugged the kids like he had come back from war, and barely looked at me. it was very strange.

when he went upstairs to take a nap (exhausted from his week of what I thought was all work) I went downstairs to do some laundry and saw his bag sitting on the landing. I don't know what posessed me to open the zipper, but something did...I'm not a snooper by nature, and at that point, still didn't supsect an affair. that's when I found what I wasn't looking for...a lifetime supply of condoms and nearly a week's worth of room-service-for-2 receipts.

even with concrete evidence, my mind still tried to find ways to excuse it...that it wasn't really happening. that the condoms were left over from a trip we took a few months earlier. that the receipts were because a buddy crashed in his room (even though I know that would never happen). I could rationalize every single thing I found...but I knew, I knew my life was turned upside down. that what I knew to be true (a loving, loyal husband) was no more. I'm forever grateful for the support that rallied around me. my sister and my friend and my therapist were godsends, each and every one of them.

I've come a long way in those 6 months. I can see how far I've come, my life might not be going in the direction I had hoped it would go, or even expected it to go, but I am okay and have made huge strides in personal growth. I remember my therapist saying to me when I first met with her (6 months ago tomorrow) that no matter what, I would be okay. I looked at her like she was high, no way would I be okay without him. there is still a huge part of me that holds self-doubt (the financially independent insecurities), but I know at least emotionally I'll be okay. there are still plenty of hard times ahead, especially if things keep going the way they are going, marching toward divorce. but I can truly say that I am a stronger, better, wiser person than I was then. so that, right there, is something.

Wow, Morgan. That was so profound. You have come a long way. It amazes me how we can look at WAS's and have a script for them. Then, the LBS's have their scripts too. We are all so human. We just play different roles. It does suck hoew nature toys with our clocks, though. Just like male and female sex drives. What a cruel joke! I guess that's where human consciousness comes into play. We can choose what we accept, how long we wait, and whether we are willing to put ourselves back out there to risk going through it all over again.

Good for you for not only making such great strides in progress, but also being able to acknowledge those strides.

neph, thanks for the kind words.

I think I am sick...truly, I think I am sick in the head. H just called, he can't come over tonight, is a bit swamped and won't get out for a bit and by the time he would get here, the kids would be more than ready for bed (you can push my kids to 7:30, but any later and they become bears).

he was obviously upset about not coming, even though he's going to come tomorrow night to make up for it. but I felt so bad for him...he started to cry and I asked if he was okay and he just said, no, he isn't. breaks my heart. I hate when he is hurting...how twisted is that? he misses the kids so much, and they miss him. I will never understand the choices he has made here, it frustrates me to no end, but still, I just hurt when he does.

of course, I also start reading into things, because this is me after all. maybe the new job isn't going well (ack!, please god, no), maybe ow is cheating on him! or more likely, maybe ow is pressuring him to D me! maybe he is starting to understand the repercussions of his actions!

but I'm also far enough into things to stop myself, realize that is a fruitless endeavor, and try to shift the focus back to me. since I won't be boot shopping, think I'm going to take it easy tonight...going to curl up on the couch and watch some more arrested development. omg, is that one funny show.

I know what you mean, Morgan. We still love our H's. It is hard to watch them suffer. They do suffer. My H looked heartbroken when I didn't take those silly toys he bought S2. I still feel horrible about it. After all the rotten things he's done, I feel like a horrible person for not taking the stinking toys, and I feel horrible that he will have no money for 2 1/2 weeks, but he has to go through this on his own. It is very difficult. Your H probably is coming to terms with all of those things (it was probably the apple crisp:) ). Will it be enough for him to make changes, I don't know. Don't hold your breath.

I was thinking. I know that, eventially my H will realize he has made a horrible mistake. However he is very proud and a "I've made my bed I have to lie in it" kind of guy. He may never come back just because he is stubborn.

Does this DB stuff ever backfire? Here we are GALing and showing how we can live w/out our H's. Does this ever send the message, "Don't feel bad. We are fine. Go and be happy." Does this stuff make it easier for them to say, "she's fine. She doesn't need/want me. Good thing I still have this OW."?

I was thinking of spending the cash to talk to a coach. Have any of you tried this? Is it worth the $?

Hey, Morgan, how did the potty adventure turn out?

Sorry for highjacking your thread.

neph, my friend is constantly reminding me to let my H walk his own walk, to stop trying to do it for him. took me a while to back off, and there is still a part of me that wants to take away any pain/make it better for him.

as for the gal stuff backfiring, well, not sure about that one. it was pointed out to me time and time again that the tears/anger/neediness I did pre-db didn't really accomplish much of what I wanted. it seemed so logical that if h saw my pain, he would respond to it in the way I would expect...he'd want to make it all better, he would hate for me to hurt, etc, etc. But it seemed to do the exact opposite. GAL, on the other hand, has helped remind him of what he is losing. it may not change anything in the end, but I just see GAL/180s as win-win, because either he does see it and comes back and we make a new life for ourselves, or he doesn't care and moves on...but I'm stronger, with a new, active life all on my own.

I have never used the db coaches. I'm very lucky, one of my best friends is a therapist, so she is pretty much at my beck and call (I've rewarded her greatly in big boxes of Sees from time to time). my own therapist is also very available. but friend is more like a coach when I need her to be, and will lay it on the line for me in a way that no-one else probably would.

the potty adventure was interesting. my poor, clueless son. he tried 2x today (we were busy outside gardening/playing for a bit). he just has no clue if/when he does anything. probably why I'm not pushing more with him. he did nothing and was so sad, he started crying tonight when he realized even if he did something he'd have to wait till tomorrow to go to target for his new hotwheel. he said he's getting right on the potty as soon as he gets up in the morning...we'll see if the interest holds. its supposed to be warm tomorrow, so thinking after school I may just let him run around outside naked and see what happens...maybe he can start making that connection. who knows.

you didn't hijack my thread, btw. I like having conversations in threads. of course your h was sad about the toys. he did it to buy your son's affection...no doubt he feels huge amounts of guilt. my h does the same thing, although has toned down a bit. your h was probably upset because he feels like its a rejection of him, to not take the toys. and he probably knows just how lame it all is, trying to buy affection (my h does). as for the rest of it, you are smart, you already know to let him walk his own walk.

Hey, Morgan. Just caught up again--you all are fast!

My son took forever for training. My D wanted big girl underpants, we bought them and threw the diapers away--done! What a difference.

btw, your H and mine sound SO alike, it is spooky. The rest of us on this thread, too (neph, L, mk, etc.).

I think my H is as stubborn as neph's--so many have told me this, too, that he won't even let himself consider going back on his momentus decision. Too bad, really. I can't believe how quickly my own feelings are shifting, to wondering if I would ever want this person to be so intimately close in my life again. And how much of our lives together were ever real.

Right now, he is trying to buy away his guilt with the kids--bowling, mini-golf, toys, eating out, etc. He doesn't understand that this will not redeem what he has done.

I have heard that one very effective way to potty train is to let them run around pantless for a few days. Since he is trying so hard, you may want to consider a smaller reward for his attempts each time he tries. Maybe you could go shopping for the hot wheels in advance and put it in the bathroom where he can see it. Then it is readily available when he reaches his goal.

As for stubborn H's, I think the whole point is that things on both sides need to change. Our spouses need to want things enough that they are willing to make changes too. If they don't, there is nothing we can do about it. I know, that is as frustrating as hell

thanks, ladies

wow, its gorgeous out today...nice and warm. heading outside with the kids, sticking close to home so I can continue to work with S3.

in a good mood today, still a bit wiped out from my cold, but was able to do tae bo and my ab tape. just ordered a bunch of books my friend and my therapist recommended, if anyone is looking for new ones (including parenting ones), let me know.

Isn't H coming tonight? Hope it goes well.

if anyone is up for praying, tonight I need some. My h needs some. he is a mess, in a way I have never seen before. I am petrified right now that he won't live thru the night...not that he will harm himself, but that he will get in an accident driving.

he got here around 6:30 and hugged the kids like he was coming back from war, but couldn't look me in the eye. I took myself to target, of course speculating a little...slightly freaked out as to why he isn't looking me in the eye. the only thing I am sure of is he can't actually get married in vegas, since he is still married to me.

cleared my head, came home, and he was ready to leave. said he was sorry but that he had a long drive ahead of him so wasn't staying to talk...which was fine, I hadn't expected him to. he turned back and I just was horrified by his face...he looked like a wreck. I asked if he was okay, and he lost it. I'm not talking crying, I'm talking hysterics, to the point that I was wondering if we had a paper bag in the house. I mean, I have never seen anyone lose it like he did...probably very similar to what I look like when I do. I pulled him into my arms, tried to hold him, to comfort him, as best I could. I tried to hold him like a child, even...not easy, I'm 7 or 8" shorter than him, I felt so inadequate. he wailed/sobbed in my arms for a while, kept trying to get himself together and would lose it again.

I asked very little...asked if it was the kids, the job, he just kept saying it was everything, he is just so sad right now.

my heart broke. literally, it broke. I kept trying to soothe him, but there was nothing I could do or say but hold him as best I could. he kept trying to say it was okay, and that its not my problem. I actually said straight out to him that in spite of everything, I love him very much, and want him to be happy in his life, I need for him to be okay, he has to be okay, he has to make sure he is okay. I kept telling him to please take care of himself.

he's really scaring me, folks. this spiral he's been on, this person he's become that I don't even recognize. I think he does okay and then realizes he doesn't even know himself.

he said he had to go, that it was a long drive to his moms (???). I was suprised he was going there, and yes, I did glance at his keyring, her keys are still on it...maybe her son is there and he won't stay over then? not sure. all I know it my heart hurts for him, and I'm scared that he is driving right now...its a 1hr drive, a lot of it is very dark, and he should not be driving.

I swear I should have fought him, made him stay over. but I didn't...I let him go. made him promise to call me when he got there. started crying myself because I was getting to scared, which seemed to make things worse so I pulled it together.

my mind is telling me this is a co-dependent panic attack, a mlc spiral. I know what it is (and will be talking to my friend shortly to see what she thinks). but I'm telling you, I can't see him hurt like this...it tears me up to see him like this.

if you have any spare prayers for him tonight, as big an ass as he has been, he's overall a good guy who desperately needs them.