"he does say that I am a good mom, at least he's never used that. what hurts is he has decided I wasn't a good wife. its bizarre the stuff he would throw out on that front, because it was like he had forgotten every single good thing in our R, every thing I had done for/with him. he had forgotten that just a year earlier he was bragging about me to his buddies. I think this is why I like the fog analogy so much...it just seems to describe him so well, its like he is in a fog, and doesn't see things clearly anymore. doesn't see our life as it was anymore, just sees the things that were not so good."
Yes, yes, and yes!!! H uses 'always' and 'never' way too much when discussing our past together, but I hope its the fog. Remember, I was told this was MY marriage, I got everything I wanted, he got nothing.
Glad your not feeling as much pain, be careful with your chest, but enjoy your sexy voice.......
good day, busy. I'm wiped out...its like my energy is sapped. still going to try to get to the gym when H comes over. its a great motivator having him here, I don't want to hang around, and the gym is as good a place to go as anywhere else. may not be an impressive w/o, but hopefully will be something. of course, cute running guy is there, and do I really want him to see me looking like such a troll? hmmm. oh well, hey, ya take the bad with the good, right?
had a great appt with therapist today, was able to do a home depot run as well before getting the kids. got some more fall stuff (hay bales, corn stalks, outside stuff). in case I wasn't troll like enough with my red nose, I had a reaction to either the stalks or the hay and my arms broke out in hives. and because I'm an idiot, I rubbed my eye which immediately turned bright red. lol....c'mon and get me, boys. after ferociously washing my hands and splashing water on my face, things calmed down a little, at least.
have an apple crisp in the oven and a chicken to follow. yum. I tend not to cook a ton in the summer, but come fall I love to.
the kids are all doing so well in school, really having fun with it, which is so nice. overall, a good day. lets hope H's visit doesn't change that.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
no gym for me. by the time h got here I was just too tired to move...my body felt like spaghetti. I ended up going upstairs and laying down while he played with the kids. think I'll be feeling well enough tomorrow, I just felt too drained to do anything tonight.
h was fine. it was weird, actually. he has that buzz about him...the excitement of the trip this friday, almost like an aura around him. I understand it, I do...I get like that, too. I love to travel, especially with someone I care about. and if I'm honest, I understand that that is exactly what he is doing...going somewhere fun with someone he cares about.
I, on the other hand, am crushed by it. but hey, just again shows how we are in two very different places and I need to find a way to accept that for good. just keep on detaching, its getting me there.
funny, how still I expect/hope him to see/appreciate me. the house looked great, new fall decorations out front, roasted chicken for dinner with apple crisp for dessert. yes, he came after dinner was cleared (my kids want to eat at 5pm on the dot, without fail) but still, it was weird that he didn't make a plate for himself. how's that for inconsistency...I comment when he makes himself and home and eats the food here, but then I'm offended when he doesn't. lol. he didn't say a word about any of it.
yeah, I know, I don't need his validation on anything I do. I do it for me, I do it for my kids, not for him. but my response shows me that there is still a part of me that is still hoping. guessing that will fade over time.
one month from today is our 10 year anniversary. yeah, I know i need to let that go, too. I'm a sentimental person, so days are very important to me. and it just makes me a little sad I guess.
don't get me wrong, I am okay, and know I'm going to be okay. I really do see that I am and will be. but still, a little sad.
funny moment...again, h and I and our parallel lives. he is bummed because next week is his old company's national sales meeting, and he won't be there for the first time. he's bummed, feels a little left out, told me next week will be hard for him. he just doesn't see the humor in it...doesn't see the parallel, his responses so similar to mine, but mine are about us/our R. I don't bring up how the similarities, just kind of look at them myself, I just think its funny how clueless he is.
Last edited by morgan; 09/19/0712:10 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
He noticed the house, he smelled dinner, and recognized the parallels, he noticed you weren't feeling up to par. But the rulebook states he is not allowed to comment on those things. HMPH
And that is sooo funny about you feeling odd that he would make himself a plate, then you feeling odd that he didn't make himself a plate! LOL So true though.
There is always going to be that part of us (at least for a long time) that has that hope in the background, that possibility that things will turn out with H. But the difference is, now we are learning to stand on our own first. Then by the time it does or doesn't happen, we'll be ready.
thanks, ladies. I'll head to bed soon, just kind of wandering the house right now, snuffling.
he is all fired up about the trip. I'm excited because things feel homey here and look nice, but if I had a trip coming up I'd probably be focusing on that, too. just kind of exemplifies his choice...I'm home cooking, while she is vegas. nothing wrong with either, but if you want vegas, home cooking is going to seem, well, boring.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
But home cooking is familiar and warm. Vegas just isn't. I understand what you mean though. I am sorry you are 'off' tonight. That would make anyone feel pretty rotten. HUGS!
the funny thing is I am actually feeling okay. well, physically still congested a bit, but really, emotionally and such, I'm okay. just a bit bummed. kind of in this weird mood I guess.
I think I need a weekend away somewhere. a change of scenery, a bit of a break. need to keep an eye on ding rates...if I can get a good one to florida I may head down and float in my friends pool for a few days. or maybe head down to VA to see my sister. too bad CA is too far for a weekend trip, would love to spend some time with some friends out there.
you know what I've always wanted to do? go to montreal. I've never been, have heard it is beautiful, and its not very far from here. maybe will plan something with a friend. although right now I am thinking warm rather than cool/cold, so south, must head south.
you know what i need to do, I need to get a passport...that's what I'll do next week, I think, finally get my application in. hey, not a bad idea to have one, who knows what the future might bring.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
