Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Should I bring home the flowers?

My husband and I have been separated for nearly five months. He's been involved in emotional affair for about 3 years and going through MLC. But lately, he's been coming over more, showing interest and we actually had a date recently that went very well. But we still have very little communication. I'm seeing solution oriented therapist and he's considering. Recently, another man has shown some interest in me. We talk sometimes and might have an occasional drink. Today he sent flowers to my office. (which felt pretty good after feeling so little attention for so long) So, my question is, do I bring the flowers home where my husband will see them or leave them at work and say nothing? (BTW - the man is well aware that I'm hoping for reconciliation with my husband - been honest with him)

I am going to say no. I don't think it's a good idea you bring the flowers home, since you have to ask. It comes across to me as though you are feeling guilty about the R you are in with this man who gave you the flowers. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me in this case.

I am going to say yes. Dating others for the LBS shows how much you value yourself and shows your spouse how much others value you. Dating others will bust your divorce.

You know him better then we do. How do you think your husband will feel? How do you think he will react? How would you feel if he brought home a gift that OW gave him? How would you react?

You say you are separated. So why is this an issue? Are you sharing your home? If you share the home, I would tend not to bring the flowers. If it is your place and he visits sometimes, I would definitely bring the flowers. To me it has to do with who the space belongs to.

Hi Sara,

Just thought I'd ;et you know I am here for a few mins - in my sandbox

Saffie

I say what Sara says. If you are not living together then bring them home. If you are, then leave them at the office.

I've been off line for a few days and greatly appreciate the posts!
I did bring home the flowers and have been dating the guy. Funny, though. I posted some information about dating (and feeling good, yet guilty about it) on the Midlife Crisis topic and got some very different answers. I'm still confused and that probably means I need to put things off with the guy.
I don't need any further complications, even though the attention is really nice.
Anyone have any experience with whether outside dates have helped/hurt??

This is a touchy one, only you can really evaluate the question you pose and what it means to you. As a good friend told me "There are no rules".

I started to poke my head out of my "cave" and date after 6 months of separation. And only after I felt like I had exhausted every possible resource at winning my husband back. Looking back it seems like I "stood" for a very short period of time, compared to many on this site. But H made absolutely no mention of reconciliation since he left, and has been 100% adamant about wanting out. No doubt there. After 6 months I also realized there was very little hope.

I decided to date for a few reasons. I had exhausted all resources, except for the "jealousy" card. Not like I was going to flaunt dating in his face, but I figured, if fate has it's way, it might get back to him, and then we'd see what response it would generate. Did not do a darn thing. Then again, I don't know whether he ever found out or not.

I dated mainly "for me". For validation that I was still desired by men, that I "still had it". Dating just felt weird. I mean, I enjoyed the men, they were really nice and the dates were fun. But I was worried I might be a little co-dependent. That I could no longer stand being alone. I was afraid that if I could not have my husband to fixate on, then I would re-direct my energies elsewhere, on other guys.

That made me feel like I did not meet my goals "working on me".

Back into the cave I went. I did not need to find a replacement for my energies. Went back to concentrating on work, etc. etc.
Oh, by the way, no kids here, so that is not an issue. Dating also served as a distraction. I was bored, was tired of bugging my friends all the time. Tired of spending every weekend alone in the house. Just really wanted to get dressed up to go out for dinner and a drink.

Finally, met a guy I really liked. I am honest about the situation with H, and he has actually been a very good person to talk to about it. I have learned a lot from him.

The biggest thing I have learned is there ARE quality people out there. And the right one will appear, in time. I have been wasting my time on a damaged human being. Not worth it. I won't waste one minute more of my time trying to prove I am worthy of his love.

Date if you are ready. Date if you are DONE with your marriage. I am not pushing for the divorce. I feel it is inevitable. I am just taking advantage of opportunities that present themselves to me as they come. I consider it GAL, because I have no choice in the matter. There is no marriage to work on anymore. Husband is done and gone. Just paperwork to deal with now.

Dating has helped me examine myself in this whole process. What I want out of life. What I will no longer compromise on in life. It has helped me learn that life WILL go on, and happiness can be found. I am not really ready to go looking for that, but it comforts me to know that is it out there. When I am ready to love, there will be a guy out there to return that love 10-fold.

Helps me face the upcoming divorce. Actually, night give me something to look forward too. Being truly single might not be all bad . .

You speak very wise words, Ponygirl. It's a shame your marriage seems to be moving towards divorce.
I guess I'm in a bit of a different place. Kids are a factor and husband may not be willing to engage in full blown repair but he certainly shows some signs of coming around. He spent almost the entire last weekend at the house installing a new fence. We went to dinner as a family and he hung around watching movies, etc.
He seems to miss home and enjoy being here.
I worry about the same co-dependant thing you describe. Although I think we are all a little co-dependant if we really love unconditionally.
I now know I still got it and I recognize my husband is damaged - I'm just not sure if it's a waste with him. He still has qualities I desire and respect... all those things I married him for. I just don't know how long I can wait for him to recognize he's worthy of happiness and that happiness can be found right here at home - with his family.