Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it... again

"Poverty stole your golden shoes, but it didn't steal your laughter.
Heartache came to visit me, but I knew it wasn't ever after.
My hands are small I know
but they are not yours
they are my own...
and I am never broken
we are never broken." --Jewel "Hands"

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been an emotional mess for the last two days. I feel like I am back to square one.

Back to school night was a bust. I sat in that room listening to the teachers present their class outlines and I started fuming. I know this is misplaced, but I started thinking of my H and how I struggled with him to get him into teaching. How I pulled overnighters with him so many times getting his student teacher assignments done, lesson planning and grades his first year, baking muffins for the credentialing coordinator when he didn't make his deadline. All that for what? So he can have an A w/ a fellow teacher? These teachers that pride themselves on leading our future while they are secretly breaking up families?

Sorry, MK, I know you are a wonderful teacher that would not do this. I'm sure the teachers speaking are wonderful too, but these were my thoughts as I was sitting there.

I cried all the way home. Blasted! I know it doesn't really matter where he was. Once he opened himself up to it, it could have and would have happened anywhere.

Thankless jerk. Oh, yeah, I forgot, our marriage was a sham and I NEVER was there for him or supported him. Guess we remember things differently.

Sorry guys, I'm on the grumpy bus today. Tomorrow will be better.

"Thankless jerk. Oh, yeah, I forgot, our marriage was a sham and I NEVER was there for him or supported him. Guess we remember things differently."

yes, yes, and yes. I could have typed that myself.

Its ok that you cried, you're done and I bet you feel a bit better about it. I have misplaced anger a lot. Probably normal in our crazy situations.

Well, it's official. It appears he is really moving in with her. I don't know what posessed me to drive but the school, but I did, and his van was there (he's supposed to be on vacation). I just snuck a little peak. He's reloaded all the stuff that was at his aunt's. Guess he's making himself cozy. I sat there for almost 2 hours ready to follow him. Luckily, I came to my senses before he came out. I left.

I can't believe he sits at that school all day just waiting for brief little moments with her while his kids are 10 minutes away asking for him.

I think I'm getting to the point where I am just done.

Ok, first. Breathe.

Second, how do you know he isn't getting his own apartment? Wasn't that discussed before? Well, he better know that if he is living with OW, your kids will never sleep there. I am just so sorry!!!

This is speculation, of course, but if he got his own apartment, I think it would be because he is distancing himself from OW, even if just a little. Seeing his car parked out there for hours when he isn't even working tells me he's not distancing. Second $100.00 at Trader Joe's is a lot for one person.

I don't think he will be looking to see his kids for at least another week. So I have time to get myself together. I feel like such a DB failure.

I don't know if I can stay sane trying to wait this out. The limbo kills me. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. If I move on, I'm not looking back. If I stay put, I think I'll go insane. I'm trying to find a middle ground here--a place where I can truly move on without shutting the door on him completely.

We have/had a storage unit. Since he has depleted the money, and rent was due today, I figured I better empty it. Now what do I do with his stuff? Should I just be nice and store it for him so he doesn't have to crowd OW? Should I let reality really set in for him and make him deal with it? He would probably just resent me for it. Doormat or Bi#@h? What a choice!

I could spend $100 at Trader Joes for myself.

I know, this isn't funny, but I wish you had some concrete things to go on. Isn't it ironic how we leap to these conclusions? I would present to H what I thought was going on, and I would be SO wrong and he would be so puzzled as to how I got there in the first place. Well, if these H's would keep us 'in the know' we wouldn't have to make ourselves crazy!

What did you decide about the storage unit?

Whew, I am gonna go to town with you Neph!

First of all, your H is insane because even at his young age he is in classic MLC. Nothingyou rationalize to him will make any sense in his childish brain, no matter how well yo put it or how smart he was!

Second, I totally thought about you and your H today as I walked my school grounds and noticed the male teachers. There is always such a buzz of gossip and self righteousness at every school I have been to. If one of those old hens got wind of your sitch, they may collectively pound on his ass. But since he is high school, your H may have more atonomy.

Marriage Builders does not say to keep quiet but rather pool supporters who can put pressure on the affair and that may include coworkers that will say he is throwing his life away. He has abandoned his wife and kids. He is throwing his life away and he will regret it and you may need to help him and forgive him.

OW-He says this OW is a friend. Many EA begin as "friends". Who knows what they are up to but we all know it is wrong and innappropriate for married folks to get attached to friends outside of marriage. Their R has crossed boundaries even if they are still considered "friends".

Living Arrangements- You can still DB and make the primary home a safe haven for him. Because he has expressed himself with physical violence he may never feel as comfortable without a lot of trust rebuilding and that may take counseling. He has to be willing to do that in the least. You cannot control where he lives. Believe me. But once they get their own apts. is it any better? They will still be up to no good but just have less money. They do this because they think it is easier to start over, but how they are soooo wrong. A R mired in deceit and sneaking around with no history, approval, or foundation is just a damaging fling. It will end most likely.

Please, please, how do we stop this cycle so my D does not grow up feelinglike her Dad abandoned her? In my Mexican family the cheating goes back at least three generations!

(((HUGS))) neph, a lot of wisdom here with mk and lwb. take care of yourself. take a breather, don't think about his stuff unless its in your way.

I did pull h's stuff out of my room, I needed to not see it, so I put whatever was left in the basement. he still has some stuff there...he has no real place to put it all, but at least it isn't a daily reminder of him, at least I'm creating my own space w/o him. but this doesn't have to be done right this minute, if at all.

good luck, and stay strong!

(oh, and I could spend $100 at trader joes in a heartbeat)