Hi Jethro. I guess I'm just a few days behind ya in the R department. Today I just feel like I deserve better. Why should I have to "suck up and deal." I'm sure there are others out there who could love me even better than my W can. It wouldn't matter how long it takes because it would be better than what I have now, right?
I am so full of doubt. I sometimes doubt her sincerity, and then I feel guilty for doing so. We go out to dinner and the date is nice, then something reminds me of the affairs. Then I think, "how can saving the marriage be right after all of the wrong that has happened."
I told my W about this and it really hurt her feelings. For one microsecond, I felt glad it hurt her. Then I felt guilty again. Then I got angry with myself for feeling guilty when I did nothing wrong. The emotions fluctuate. I seem to be going through the stages of grief. I guess we all are. There's denial, anger or resentment, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. My wife, being the psychologist that she is, explained to me that it is perfectly normal to feel the way I\we do. In fact, she said we wouldn't be human if we didn't bounce around the stages. This isn't a linear process.
Pisses me off, but better the devil I know than the one I don't, ya know? MAL or KAW said it better when either said something about investing the time into a new relationship having no way of knowing if the OP can recipricate the things you give. At least you know your W can and did at one time.
I don't know where my path is leading and I am terrified of the future, but I feel as though I am on the right path. Each day will be different and one more day past the betrayals. When you're going through hell, keep going.
I know it is hard but I believe that once it is out in the open if you want R to continue you cannot bring up A again,you both know it happened and if the WA came back and you or working on it then start over
I disagree, RH. Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. We cannot just leave the past in the past. We must analyze it to discover not who is at fault or the most guilty party, rather what went wrong that led us to this awful place.
Thanks for popping in everyone. You know, ever since last Monday I've felt a shift in myself. Before I found out about my W's A, I was DBing her, but feeling great myself. When I found out about the A I didn't revert back to the old Jethro, but I lost the PMA that I had. It seems that ever since Monday it's beginning to return. Don't really know why but it is. My W's not acting any differently...it's me...
So, in the wee morning hours I had an interesting dream. I went to visit my W at her friend's house. I guess she was staying there thinking about what she wanted to do about us (our M). So, I went to her friend's and she came outside and gave me a nice hug from behind. I turned around and she said, "I guess you want to know where I stand." Well, I said yes and she said, "I don't want a D." Then she gave me a deep kiss and hug. My spirits lifted when she said this... (On a lighter note, the other part of the dream was kind of funny because my W's friend was dating Mel Gibson and he was in the other room with the flu and taking a bath. ) Dreams are weird...
About 4:00 this morning I told my W about the dream. Neither one of us could sleep so we just talked for a bit. She said that she didn't want a D, and I told her I knew that... It was kind of a funky morning, but pleasant. I can't really explain it...
I have a theory. Lately I've been experiencing alot of that Good Weirdness , I think it's when our subconcious agencies are chiming in with their situational analysis results. Some part of our minds are constantly busy analyzing and interpreting our environment.
Good Weirdness is , I think , a reflection of these. Conciously we may not be aware of all the nuances but our subconcious is obviously pleased about something. Go with he flow and enjoy.
Enjoy those 4AM chats with W. There can be no more intimate time between two people than the deepest dark of night, snuggled in the bed, sharing thought,time and space.
Peace Out
Brought to you by a preadapted, preeminent analysis engine, and therein lies the root of all evil.
Jethro - I HAVEN'T read any recent posts on here, and I wanted to ask that you read my latest post on the Sadbuthopeful thread "Sadbuthopeful's SAM" - I need a little perspective adjustment, I think...
SBH has gotten a lot out of your exchanges with him. I really appreciate your being there for him. Hope your sitch is improving as the days go by...
Hey SBH-SAM. Funny, I was already posting to your thread when I read your post here...
I'm glad I can help. You guys have a lot going for you. It's just going to take time and patience from each of you and I'm confident you'll have a better R than you thought you could ever have.
Hi bud, just swinging by to see how you're doing these days. Sounds like you're plugging along pretty nicely. Glad to hear that. Hey, be careful about posting dreams. Shiny will be along any minute with her analysis.
Off topic, there is a group of us planning a get together later this summer here in Arizona. You interested? There's a thread in Just For Fun about it.
Jim
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
True, but then again, the past is the past. If we cannot let go and learn to forgive, we cannot open ourselves up to be loved either. Holding a grudge and loving unconditionally don't go hand in hand. We're human, affairs have happened for thousands of years, doesn't make them any less painful but they are what they are., a part of the world we live in. More often than not, we have to accept partial responsibility for why they happened, and take the steps necessary to assure they not happen again in the future if reconciliation is in the cards. Just the way it's gotta be or you have to move on to someone new I guess.
) Dreams are weird...
