I think it's been about a week since I started to consistently do a 180 -- friendly, no R talk, lookin' good, but...
H spent a grand total of about 10 minutes here, and he *might* grace us with his presence Sunday or Monday.
Now that he and OW are cozy in their cohabitation down the street, what's a W to do but make nice and catch a few leftover crumbs?
OUCH. I've been replaced. Maybe it's too soon to tell, but I honestly don't think he'll ever *detach* from her now, since he's taken on that *daddy* role for HER kids. History is repeating itself -- he did the same thing with me when I was a single mom (only he wasn't married to anyone at the time).
Pretend I don't care, eh? Pretend it isn't absolutely killing me? Someone please tell me this 180 stuff works! Someone please tell me I just need to be patient and hang on for a rough ride until things get better!
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6
PW, My H moved out in Oct.'06. We have two teenaged DDs. He filed for D in June '07. I haven't heard anything else from his lawyer since then, so I really don't know what is going on. I'm not pushing though, I've always heard that time is your friend. OW is his secretary so they see each other daily.
As far as detachment, working to get them back home I don't know if it works, because he is still out of the house. But I will tell you this. It has helped me become stronger. I'm not walking on eggshells like I was when he was around. I finally came to the conclusion all I could do was to work on my ownself and become stronger and not so dependent on him. Recently I've seen him a couple of times and he was very pleasant. I'm not getting my hopes up, I'm just taking it as it is. Detach for your ownself.
My best advice for you right now is to have minimal contact with him until some of the pain has lessened. It seemed like everytime I saw him or talked to him, it tore me up inside and I wanted to pursue more. Don't pursue or plead, it certainly doesn't get you anywhere. Just be pleasant when you do have to see him and make converations short and sweet. I'm certainly not saying that the pain goes away, but it does lessen with time.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Listen to Yoyo. She has great advice. She has found her strength and dare I say happiness back by detaching and GALing. She has come a long way in a short period of time. I think that detaching and GALing are the only way to go if your H is still having an A.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I think the question you asked is one we all have asked at one point or another – does DBing work? Will it cause our spouses to come back? The answer is no. Whatever caused them to bend their morals and hurt those closest to them is based on what’s inside them and can only be fixed by them.
What DB does do as yoyo and hope can surely attest is help YOU and give you the confidence and strength to make it through these hard times. Think of it as you starting life anew free of the constraints of self-doubt and fear that so often comes with this situation. If your H is wise he’ll see your new life as something he wants to be a part of and can join you in it. But even if he doesn’t you feel so much better about yourself. The amount of growth and strength will be something to be proud of no matter what the outcome of your M.
What’s helped me is to detach from the situation. I know everyone talks about detaching from the person but I think you have to detach from the situation as well. Sure LBS’s aren’t perfect but what our spouses did was completely inappropriate way to handle the situation. That is to say, the WAS’s infidelity is THEIR problem. They may never own it but it is theirs in its entirety. Once I was able to see it that way and let my W either fix HER problem or not, then I was able to work on my self. Don’t own what’s not yours because you can’t and will drive yourself crazy trying.
Hope this helps.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
That is to say, the WAS’s infidelity is THEIR problem. They may never own it but it is theirs in its entirety. Once I was able to see it that way and let my W either fix HER problem or not, then I was able to work on my self. Don’t own what’s not yours because you can’t and will drive yourself crazy trying.
...so true. The breakdown of the marriage can be attributable to both people, but turning to an affair is the WAS's problem. They have to fix it on their own...you cannot do it for them. Some, like my XH, cannot do it. They will choose a life of running and hiding from themselves rather than taking that good hard look in the mirror and say I have to change...I'M THE REASON I'M NOT HAPPY...IT'S TIME I QUIT BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Yes, I've been watching my grandson all week, and I'll be watching him tomorrow, too.
H dropped by for a few minutes today, and my grandson went absolutely bonkers (in a good way) -- he was so happy to see him. I think it really got to my H, because they were always so close. Just picture Dino from the Flintstones.
He said he wanted to hang out with us, but he had *babysitting duty* again. He didn't seem happy about the arrangement at all, and he hesitated a bit and looked sad when he left. He called me later about a business matter, something that wasn't all that urgent, and again he seemed to just want to hear my voice. When he was on the phone with me, OW's kids were being bratty in public, and he was having a hard time getting them to behave.
Once again, he seems to be flip-flopping. Cold as ice one day, warm and fuzzy the next day.
Another positive thing was that he still wants both of us to go with our son to this big field trip next summer. Someone who really wants a divorce wouldn't make plans w/his W that far in advance, AND invest thousands of dollars in field trip expenses. I may be wrong, though.
Maybe I'm just being *temporarily* replaced?
BTW, now I get up extremely early every morning, and put on my make-up and most flattering clothes. Now it doesn't bother me as much when he makes unexpected visits. The house looks better, too.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6
