Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #6

ya know what's funny, H has always been very respectful about what I do as a SAHM. He has. He especially knows how good he has had it...he had a cushy job that paid well and got to go on lots of wonderful trips and such, all paid for, while I did so much of the drudge work. then suddenly when the bomb dropped he started telling me how I have done nothing for 3 years (um, hello, remember, 3 little kids, trust me, there is a lot of work involved, buddy) and kept making cracks about how he has a JOB. it was bizarre, because me staying home was very much a mutual decision, and only a year before he had spent time telling me how much he appreciated what I did and such.

Guessing OW, who he worked with, changed his mind...she has a good paying job/is raising her son all at the same time, and me, well, apparently I went from being appreciated to being a big fat failure.

gripe gripe gripe.

I was really upset about that stuff when I first started therapy, and finally my therapist got it into my thick head that I don't need him to validate what I do...I know what I do, how hard I work, if he can't see it, well, that doesn't mean I didn't do it.

much better now.

Its the alien spew. I have experienced similar rants. Things that used to be ok, even appreciated, are now used to show terrible we are. It is just a way for them to justify there bad choices. I accepted so much cr@p from H about all of my failings, until he implied that I was not a good mother. I lost it, and he apologized, even admitted that he said it to hurt me, "get back" at me for pointing out the things that CW does that we would have never thought were good parenting behaviors. He couldn't defend her actions, so he attacked me.

My IC said that this isn't even conscious--the WS is just trying to protect his psyche / ego from the damage that they caused themselves, and the guilt that they can't take on completely. How else can these people look themselves in the mirror each morning?

How funny!!! Yes, to go from being appeciated to being talked down to.....lovely.

One of H's major complaints is that I love my job too much. Umm yeah, HE was there when I took this job, supporting me, telling me to give it my all because I could really be happy here, etc. Now, I love it too much?

morgan, think about it this way. You are still the wonderful mother that you were pre-bomb and what H says/implies doesn't matter. Guess what? Who's sitting 'pretty' now, with free time out the gazoo, no home responsibilities and can come and go as he pleases.... HMPH to your H for making you feel even the tiny bit unsure of how important your job is.

Yeah, HMPH to your H for even going there! My H hardly even calls to check on the kids b/c he is so wrapped up in himself. When he does, if someone sounds even a little fussy, he jumps all over me. Whats wrong with _______? Are they ok? He/she sounds stressed/upset.

Translation: Are you taking care of my kids while I do what ever?

Of course I am! I'm a parent!

Oh, yes, we do have CVS on the west coast, at least here in LA. CVS recently took over Sav-On. I grew up on Thrifty ice cream too! What a treat that always was!

Oh puleeeeze morgan's husband, do not even worry about your kids. They are in the best hands possible. They should be in YOUR hands too, but unfortunately morgan is cleaning up YOUR mess for YOUR kids, since you can't do it yourself.

Ok, done.

Nothing to do with DB'ing, but now I want to go to Jimboys and get food, teach me to come in here and read late at night.

lol, what a nice way to wake up...you all make me smile.

its really funny because when he first started saying stuff that made no sense, like I do nothing, I would try to validate myself to him...point out what I do. then he would sneer at me and ask if I wanted credit. essentially he wanted me to agree that I do nothing at all, and if I didn't agree to that, if I pointed out the things I did, he would mock me for pointing them out. it was all very weird, made no sense, until my therapist and my friend made me realize that yeah, he needs to do that to protect his own damn ego from what a jerk he is. my pointing out concrete things would throw him off (I was lousy with confrontation in the past, I've gotten much, much better).

he does say that I am a good mom, at least he's never used that. what hurts is he has decided I wasn't a good wife. its bizarre the stuff he would throw out on that front, because it was like he had forgotten every single good thing in our R, every thing I had done for/with him. he had forgotten that just a year earlier he was bragging about me to his buddies. I think this is why I like the fog analogy so much...it just seems to describe him so well, its like he is in a fog, and doesn't see things clearly anymore. doesn't see our life as it was anymore, just sees the things that were not so good.

okay, rant over.

my face doesn't hurt today, but I'm conjested and I feel things working into my chest just a wee bit. not quite there yet, so should be able to get a w/o in at some point. I am, however, getting that sexy lauren bacall voice . if my nose wasn't so red, I'd really be somethin'. lol

busy day, therapy today, will try to do tae bo and H is coming after work so will nip out to the gym for some cardio. we'll see how I'm feeling as the day goes on.

Good morning Morgan...

Hey, a honey, lemon, and whiskey shot will kill that chest cold before it has a chance to take hold.

I can sense progress and optimism in your post these days. You've come a long way.

damn h, he took the whiskey!

yeah, feeling pretty good...but you know me, I have good and bad days. starting to get that detached thing going again, that helps. concentrating more on myself again, which is good.